Sticking at one when you still have frozen embryos

[flipflop76]

So I'm 44 and have a 9 month old (I was 43 when she was born). We went through 7 years of numerous IVF treatments to conceive her and on the successful round (with donor eggs), we had two extra embryos which were frozen. Although hubby has always been adamant he only wants one child, I really thought I'd want to try for a second if we were ever lucky enough to have extra embryos and I always dreamed of having two children. I felt so lucky that we still had two embryos left.

The reality is, although my heart would love another, it's been the absolute hardest time of my life and I'm exhausted beyond belief. I've been diagnosed with PND and I really struggle each day as I'm so tired and find it hard to know what to do all day - it doesn't help that we are in a pandemic of course and I've had no post natal support and everything is closed. The sleep deprivation was utter torture and although we are coming out the other side, I don't think I could go through all that again. I don't think I'd have the energy and stamina for another one but I do feel bad that those embryos are potential genetic siblings for our baby. My husband did say that if we were 10 years younger he would probably have wanted to give it another go but we're just too old now and too knackered. I don't disagree with him at all but I know it will be so so hard to let go of those embryos and wonder who they might have been. I don't want to donate to another couple as that will add to the complications of the donor conception stuff (not explaining myself well there but I'm so tired). Just wanted to get my thoughts down and I wondered if anyone else has had IVF and has had a dilemma about frozen embryos? I do wish I was younger !!

Oh flipflop...I could have written this post myself, word for word! And the truth is, I am 10 years younger and still struggling the same. After 6 years TTC, 1 failed and 1 successful IVF, my sweet and utterly amazing buba is now 10 months old. We have 4 frozen embryos of various grades left and although we always said we'd wait at least 2-3 years between children (so there is no immediate pressure), I'm already dreading the sheer thought of having to go through this again. I too had PND and there were very dark days when I really thought I shouldn't have defined God with science as clearly there was a reason I wasn't supposed to be a Mum. I still have enormous guilt every time I find myself being negative about motherhood as so many people aren't as lucky as me...and my baby is truly so amazing, it hurts me to even imagine him knowing how much I struggle! If that makes sense at all LOL!! I'm sure the pandemic didn't help at all as we don't have family support near us and all our friends are in a lockdown bubble with their own families / siblings so it's just us...well, DH is working full time so dare I say it's just me.

I hear you, and I really do feel you. Would we be happy as a family of 3? Would my baby miss out? Am I selfishly denying my baby to have the opportunity to have siblings? Or maybe they wouldn't even get along!! Will I feel better as time goes on or are we just wasting hard earned money on embryo storage? My husband is all on board for another one but let's be honest, as much as he helps and supports me (because he has and does loads!!) he'll be the one working / sleeping again, potentially having all the fun with our then older one.

I just really started to enjoy life being finally back to normal (ish) and enjoy our time with our child who now can have dinner with us, sleeps through the night, gives cuddles and kisses and engages more day by day.

I'm sorry for the essay, I don't actually think I have ever said / wrote down these words down before

I have been going back and forth on this a lot over the past year. I have a toddler and numerous embryos in the bank (i overstimulated). I found the baby time very tough and tiring, didn’t really enjoy it but got through it with the help of some very good friends I made with kids. I have finally fallen on the side of trying for another - starting the cycle this month. I kind of thought in the end, why am I paying to store them if I don’t want another? Deep down, I knew I wanted one more. So I’m going for it and am hoping I don’t go back to the dark side!

I want to experience the relationship that my child will have with a sibling - how they will be similar / different - how they will interact. Companionship for them when we’re on holidays etc. I am close to my own siblings so want that for my child. But it’s not been an easy decision.

I felt like this until my DC turned 2 then was desperate for another. Still trying 4 years later.

Good luck 😌

Hello,
I think you need to give yourself permission to have “just one”. For different reasons we are a one child family (DD now nearly 8) but I struggled with pnd and yes I have had so many days of wondering if we should have tried for a second child. But honestly we are living our best lives with our only child and life is good!! Our child is NOT a stereotypical only child (which is just a mean untrue stereotype) - we are very social and have lots of friends and often holiday with her friends and their families. There is no worry about not being able to share or socialise and we have a life that we can juggle our jobs and lives and look after our delightful child and make life fun for her. If that’s what you want it is absolute fine. There are LOTS of only children these days - we are friends with lots and none of them are weird or seem to be missing out.
Hope this helps. Very best wishes

Thanks so much for your comments ladies, it helps to ready others' viewpoints. It really is a tough one. I think I would be happy just being a family of three; I think the tough part is letting go of the embryos and wondering who they might of been. That does hurt me to the core. I never thought I'd feel like that!

@ScottishDiblet

Hello, I think you need to give yourself permission to have “just one”. For different reasons we are a one child family (DD now nearly 8) but I struggled with pnd and yes I have had so many days of wondering if we should have tried for a second child. But honestly we are living our best lives with our only child and life is good!! Our child is NOT a stereotypical only child (which is just a mean untrue stereotype) - we are very social and have lots of friends and often holiday with her friends and their families. There is no worry about not being able to share or socialise and we have a life that we can juggle our jobs and lives and look after our delightful child and make life fun for her. If that’s what you want it is absolute fine. There are LOTS of only children these days - we are friends with lots and none of them are weird or seem to be missing out. Hope this helps. Very best wishes

Thank you so much for this ScottishDiblet, your message really helped me! True about giving yourself permission. Just because I have those embryos doesn't mean I have to use them if it isn't right for us. Still got some thinking through to do but yes there are lots of only children these days. xxx

I’m glad it helped. I know it’s a struggle but do not feel guilty. My boss (who is one of four) told me (when I tearfully told her our DD was going to be an only) that there’s some research about only children being the happiest because of all the undivided love and attention they get! Who knows if that’s true but I do know we love our unit of 3. And we have lots of other units we fit in with when we want to.

Thank you. My husband has said we definitely aren't having another (or at least trying to) so I guess that's it. I'll need some counselling or support though to come to terms with this as I know I'm going to find it so hard to let go of those embryos.

Hi @flipflop76 - we have IVF twins and last year I finally said goodbye to our three frozen embryos we'd had them in storage for three years by then. I always thought that we'd go on to have another DC but quite honestly I'm exhausted (I was just under 40 when I had the DTs, if that makes any difference), DS1 has been challenging to say the least, and DP has been much, much less supportive than anticipated.

Like you if we'd been younger I probably would have considered it more - say had another baby when they went to school - but DP would be in his early 50s by then and I'd be mid 40s, and it just felt too late.

TBH disposing of the embryos didn't affect me as much as I thought it would, but that's probably because all the COVID panic started around the same time and in that way was a helpful distraction!! I did have a few sad days but realistically it was the best decision for us; I had medical issues after the DTs' birth too and wasn't sure if I'd be able to cope with another pregnancy,

One suggestion I did read was to have a little ceremony/ remembrance event/ memorial if it helps you - perhaps planting some rose bushes, naming something after your potential DC or sponsoring something in their memory. Obviously it's all individual what people will find helpful - you might want to forget it altogether - but apparently it can be quite healing.

Sending and I hope you come to terms with everything soon xx