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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Original poster

Hes going to be an only child

24 replies

XmasHollie · 23/12/2020 22:54

Divorced. 3 year old child. With lock down etc its difficult to meet someone and if I'm honest I dont enjoy relationships and never have. I want another child but a. I'm single b. I'm getting too old. Help me move past this.

OP posts:
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Original poster
XmasHollie · 23/12/2020 22:58

Also I suffer with depression and I dont think i would cope with another child. I know its likely that relationship would end aswell so I'd be a single parent to 2 kids and it's not a risk I want to take

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 23/12/2020 23:02

What's your issue?
You don't want another and you wouldn't cope well with another so don't have one! I have an only, it's fine, he's fine.

Original poster
XmasHollie · 23/12/2020 23:04

I dont want him to be alone. If I could cope id have another

OP posts:
OppsUpsSide · 23/12/2020 23:04

Wow Code makes some good points!
All mine would love to be onlys if that helps?!

OppsUpsSide · 23/12/2020 23:05

He’s not alone he has you!

Original poster
XmasHollie · 23/12/2020 23:05

I'll die one day though

OP posts:
scotsllb · 23/12/2020 23:08

Don't think like this op. Your child won't feel alone in the way you imagine.
I grew up as an only child and I was perfectly content with it. You don't miss what you don't know.
I loved having my mums full attention etc and then as a teen you have your own friends and pull away from family life a bit more.
You are more that enough

Original poster
XmasHollie · 23/12/2020 23:09

What if he dies?

OP posts:
theconstantinoplegardener · 23/12/2020 23:11

OP I know several only children. I met them at university so I don't know what they were like as children, but they are all intelligent, mature, considerate people who have great relationships with their parents, and are also sociable and popular with their peers. They have never mentioned that they would have preferred to have siblings. Being an only child can be great!

Ohalrightthen · 23/12/2020 23:13

@XmasHollie

What if he dies?
How would a sibling help with that!?
theconstantinoplegardener · 23/12/2020 23:13

What if he dies?

Well, we all die eventually but it's unlikely that he'll die before you.

MaryMashedThem · 23/12/2020 23:14

What if he dies?

Is this what's really at the root of your worry? If you have more than one child, and one of them dies, the grief isn't lessened by having remaining healthy children. It's just as unbearable.

Worriedandabitscared · 23/12/2020 23:14

@XmasHollie

What if he dies?
You can't really replace a child with another one, even with two or more children then his death will still feel the same?

I'm an only and I'm doing okay, I have a family and friends ... didn't need a sibling, to be honest my cousins are annoying enough Grin

londonmummy1234 · 23/12/2020 23:14

@XmasHollie

What if he dies?
Quite a strange comment...
surreygirl1987 · 23/12/2020 23:15

My husband is an only child and he had an amazing childhood. We've decided to have two children ourselves, but he definitely doesn't feel like he missed out by being an only child. He had a much more priveliged upbringing than me, being one of three!

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2020 23:15

I'll die one day though

You certainly will, and your child having a sibling won't change or prevent that. I'm an only child, I had a wonderful childhood, and in my 47 years I have never wanted a sibling. Happiness in no way is dependant on having a sibling.

indemMUND · 23/12/2020 23:16

I have a child who will be an only. Age isn't an issue but pregnancy has been. She'd be one of three if things had worked out. As things are, time will run out before I'm willing to consider another partner, even with a successful pregnancy. Don't jump to the worst case scenarios, you're just hurting yourself there. Only children aren't at a loss. They have you, you have them. Live in the now, rather than asking what if.

Original poster
XmasHollie · 23/12/2020 23:17

I know families who have lost a child and they only go on because of their other children. If anything happened I'd have nothing to live for. It's not a strange comment at all it's a genuine concern

OP posts:
NeonSparkle · 23/12/2020 23:20

I was an only child, my husband is the second oldest of 11.
I had an amazing childhood, full of holidays, undivided attention etc whilst my husband never went on holiday as a child, had to essentially help parent his younger siblings and got no attention (help with homework, asked about his day etc) as his parents were always busy with the other kids and had to divide their time. I know it’s completely subjective, and it can work both ways but I don’t resent the fact I was an only child whereas my husband felt sidelined at times. Being an only child has lots of benefits and as long as you give them love they won’t even think twice about it! You have to be positive and look for the benefits in situations, life isn’t always perfect or the way we plan/would like it to be and that’s ok!

Worriedandabitscared · 23/12/2020 23:22

@XmasHollie

I know families who have lost a child and they only go on because of their other children. If anything happened I'd have nothing to live for. It's not a strange comment at all it's a genuine concern
I don't think they go on because of the other children but for them .. I mean we can do this all day, you could have two or more children and then they all pass away in an accident like a car crash (morbid thought but could happen) everyone dies, I don't think that's what you should be thinking about if you're considering having other children, you say you suffer with depression, do you have any support?
londonmummy1234 · 23/12/2020 23:25

@XmasHollie

I know families who have lost a child and they only go on because of their other children. If anything happened I'd have nothing to live for. It's not a strange comment at all it's a genuine concern
Apologies. I read it as you were thinking a sibling would replace him.

I can see your point of view but I don't think that's reason enough for having a second. You can live constantly thinking what if, you need to do what's right for your family.

I have a single child and although he's still young I'm not sure I want another... and I can't quite pin point why I just don't have that urge in me.

scotsllb · 23/12/2020 23:29

@XmasHollie

I know families who have lost a child and they only go on because of their other children. If anything happened I'd have nothing to live for. It's not a strange comment at all it's a genuine concern
I don't think your comment is strange. It sounds like it comes from a place of anxiety and loneliness. You have built your whole world round your little boy and have written off any future for yourself. I can understand that. I think you can build on something just for you? We cannot control things like death, we can only control ourselves. You cannot place your entire reason for living on your son although it's easy to do. Be kind to yourself and let yourself trust in the future a bit more, not a relationship as such but hobbies or work goals etc.
GlowingOrb · 23/12/2020 23:31

Dd turned out to be an only and it has been the best thing for her. She is a child who does very well as an only. I’m sure she would have found happiness with a sibling too, but I honestly believe that her life is better without one.

Popskipiekin · 23/12/2020 23:37

@XmasHollie

I know families who have lost a child and they only go on because of their other children. If anything happened I'd have nothing to live for. It's not a strange comment at all it's a genuine concern
I’ll put my hand up to having had dark thoughts like this - so have my friends when I’ve raised it. I know of at least one bereavement charity that has a particular support group for parents who have lost their only child as it is a very particular kind of grief: you’re a parent, but your only child is no longer living.

And I have 2 kids, but I found myself thinking (in an occasional dark moment) but what if one dies? Then everything will be on the surviving child - all my maternal weight and expectation and that’s a lot for one child to bear so should we have a 3rd to spread the load?!

So. Firstly. I think the way your mind is thinking in this respect is completely normal. I think it must stem from normal maternal anxiety and desire to protect our child(ren) and possibly the need to plan and to protect against all eventualities - although perhaps everything is heightened by your depression? I can’t obviously say. But you also need to try to accept that it is highly unlikely your child will predecease you and learn to put that thought to one side and enjoy the likely very long lifetime you will spend together.

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