Tremendous sadness over not having another & guilt for not giving my son a sibling

[jellybean55]

Hi Ladies. I haven’t been on here for a while & am writing now as I really don’t know who else to vent to & I am so emotional. My husband & I have a beautiful 6 year old boy & have been trying the past few years for another baby. I had 2 miscarriages last year which was just heartbreaking & am at the point now of thinking of giving up.

My reasons are I am 40 years old, soon to be 41. I am a type 1 diabetic which can cause a lot of complications, my daughter was stillborn at full term 16 years ago because of it 😔

I want another baby as I just love been a mum, my bond with my son is so special & can’t imagine not having another baby. I feel guilty that my son doesn’t have a sibling, he often asks for a baby brother or sister & it makes me feel so sad.

Also with Xmas approaching, I keep thinking of when my son is older & won’t believe anymore, I keep thinking that a lot of these moments are ‘lasts’ & it honestly breaks my heart. Little trips out to the park holding his hand & little moments are things I should be enjoying but at the back of my mind there is always an aching sadness that this stage won’t last long as he’s growing & I must make every moment count. I know this isn’t a healthy way of thinking, I wish I could just enjoy these moments without wanting to cry at them also. I’m actually crying typing this.

I realise I sound slightly mental here but it’s on my mind constantly.

Then I think, well would my son really be happier with a sibling? The effect of pregnancy on my diabetes makes my life very hard. He wouldn’t have my full attention, The age gap would be quite big & also my age is a big factor.

I’d love to hear from anyone who has felt like this & how you got through it? My husband is so easy going. He does say he’s happy with just 1 & that we would struggle financially but he would also be happy if I fell pregnant again.

I feel like because of my age, I definitely don’t have the time to ‘wait & see what happens’ Am I selfish to want another? Can I really go through this again & the worry of another stillbirth? Am I selfish not to try & give my son a sibling? It’s getting me down so much.

Are there any other 1 child Mum’s out there who can relate to this & advise me? Is your child happy been an only child or is anyone reading this an only child themselves?

I’m so sorry to ramble on, it’s just upsetting me so so much.

After 6 mcs I had to give up, it wasn’t fair on my DS to focus on a child I didn’t have he needed my focus. Yes I’d have loved another and I do worry about the future. But nothing is guaranteed siblings don’t always get along. We have an amazing bond and although he’d like siblings he gets that he’s very lucky in other ways. We do allow him more play dates and as he gets older we will give him the option to bring a friend on holidays etc.

Hi jellybean55 I do indeed relate to what you are saying and feel exactly the same. I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. It must be devastating with the guilt and desire for another baby being forefront of your mind.
I have posted numerous occasions here and have received so much good advice and it has really helped me to try to find acceptance. It's a long process with many ups and downs. People have said here that you must only have another if you want one, not for your existing child or your DH. My DH is the same as yours, happy one way or another. I had DS at 40, nearly 41, and I knew I didn't have long to have another. It never happened due to many reasons I won't bore you with!
I think that a sibling is not always the answer to true happiness. Your child will find his own way in life. I try to think that we provided as best we could for ours.
I completely get the obsession with everything needing to be special and documented even as if you know this will be the only time you do things. I write diaries, take photos. I hope DS will share them with his own family one day

Finally just to say iI'm kind of an only child. I have a half sibling I rarely see and who never bothers with me or my DS except when forced to. So I feel that sibling relationships aren't always all love and happiness that's for sure!
I hope you find peace and acceptance x

Mum of one DS aged 8. We tried for a few years after he was born to have a second but it never happened. He never asked for a sibling except on one occasion when he was around 5. I told him the truth “mummy is broken and can’t have anymore children, you were our little miracle and we are so lucky to have you. I’m really sorry but you won’t get a brother or sister”. He accepted this and has never said he wanted a sibling since. Now that he’s older and having had play dates with larger families he often says he’s pleased he’s an only so he doesn’t have to share his toys or us and because he gets all the attention and it’s quiet. Honestly there are still days when I get a pang of longing - but for me not DS and the older and further away from the baby years we’ve gotten the easier it is.
I had a family member who spent years focusing on the second child she didn’t have, she had numerous miscarriages and her first child was always aware of the baby to be and then the subsequent miscarriages. Finally they managed to have a second and this child far exceeds the first, is treated so differently from the first and it’s so sad for the first that she is aware how much a second was wanted (almost to the point where she wasn’t good enough!). I vowed never to make my son feel that way no matter how devastated I might be inside.

It’s hard, be kind to yourself, it will get easier and it is not a selfish decision in the slightest.

@ILoveMyMonkey.. hi, I found your story very interesting. You handled it well when your son wanted a sibling. Mine has never wanted one so I'm lucky that way. I do get alot of pangs esp as my periods are still bad and I get very hormonal, worse than ever now I'm hurtling towards menopause.
Interesting to hear about your family member who ended up having a second and then their first felt pushed out. I do think that would be the case if we had a second now. DS is 7 and would not handle it well at all. And frankly I don't have the energy or patience to cope with it!
We got a hamster recently and that will have to suffice!

I can relate to this. I have extra guilt as it was partly my fault that dc hasn't got a sibling as I just felt that we didn't cope that well with the one we had and thought two would push us too far. Then I changed my mind and started trying and have had two losses since ( possibly age related as I was over 40 then) Now it's almost certainly too late and I now realise that even if I had a baby it wouldn't create that close in age sibling relationship I now realise I want for my dc who is now 8.

I also think this year has been particularly hard for us as lockdown and isolation with an only highlights the lack of children to play with and not allowing play dates and activities that would normally fill our time brings it home even more.

I am still trying but know deep down we won't be successful. When this shit year and covid is over I will make sure that dc can have lots of play dates and sleepovers and that's all I can do now. I think a pet is also a good idea and we might get one next year.

Has your ds got a ddog op? Possibility of getting one? As an only dc I had a ddoggy sibling. Honestly she was amazing. My dc have ddogs and the bond is immeasurable...
No arguing and no tears either!

I am an only child and married to DH who has 2 siblings.

I can't say I ever wanted a sibling, and I had many opportunities growing up that I couldn't have had if I had had a sibling - my parents couldn't have afforded lots of the stuff we did if there were more of us for example.

I also look at DH and his siblings now and well, OK they don't hate each other but they aren't close either. And the experience when we had ill parents was miles apart - yes I felt a lot of responsibility but I was v close to my parent and spent lots of time with them and we jointly sorted out what to do. Whereas for DH a lot of time was spent bickering with his sibs about who was doing what, what was best, who was closest etc etc. I know which I'd prefer!

So as an only child, I've never known having siblings and I can see a load of advantages in not having them

I think for your boy the age gap would be quite big so he also prob won't get what he is wishing for - does he realise your attention will be split in two, it will be ages before the new sib can play with him, they might not even like him! Even worse it might be a girl

There are good and bad things about being an only but there are many of us onlys about and apart from having to put up from ignorant people asking us if we are spoilt I'd hate to go back in time and have a sibling.

I have 1 little girl who is 8 now. I am 1 of 3 and we get on so well, I just wanted that for my little girl. Due to medical reasons I couldn’t carry another child. I tried coming off all my medication and had tests, but sadly my heart was not strong enough to cope with another pregnancy. It has taken years to come to terms with. We considered surrogacy, met someone who wanted to do it but then she changed her mind. It was so very hard. I was becoming consumed with having another child. It did get easier but now both my friends who also have 1 child are now pregnant with their second. It is really tough to see.
My little girl has also been desperate for a sibling, but I had to tell her mummy can’t as she has a bad heart.
Covid has been very difficult as she loves to see her friends.
Many people say you should be grateful for having 1, but it is so difficult constantly seeing families of 4.😔

I am struggling with the same thing. I have one daughter who is 5. Early on, both my husband and I wanted another. Covid was very isolating (she was 5 months when it hit) and we had no support for 1.5 years. As she got older, my husband became more opposed to the idea of another child. He was worried about finances, the strain of raising a child, and our ages (we are in our early forties). I have eggs frozen from when I was younger and I tried to get him to consider IVF. He has since changed to a firm "no". I am absolutely devastated. It's been 9 months since his decision and I am still experiencing overwhelming grief that renders me barely functional. Amongst my daughter's friends and peers, there are virtually no families with only children. She has asked for a little sister or brother and it kills me that I don't get a shot at giving her that. I know my husband gets to make his own decision and I can't dictate what he wants, but I am so desperately sad. I don't see a way out of this grief. I have a therapist and she says there is nothing that can lessen the grief.

I am struggling with the same thing. I have one daughter who is 5. Early on, both my husband and I wanted another. Covid was very isolating (she was 5 months when it hit) and we had no support for 1.5 years. As she got older, my husband became more opposed to the idea of another child. He was worried about finances, the strain of raising a child, and our ages (we are in our early forties). I have eggs frozen from when I was younger and I tried to get him to consider IVF. He has since changed to a firm "no". I am absolutely devastated. It's been 9 months since his decision and I am still experiencing overwhelming grief that renders me barely functional. Amongst my daughter's friends and peers, there are virtually no families with only children. She has asked for a little sister or brother and it kills me that I don't get a shot at giving her that. I know my husband gets to make his own decision and I can't dictate what he wants, but I am so desperately sad. I don't see a way out of this grief. I have a therapist and she says there is nothing that can lessen the grief.

BreezyLilacZebra
I have just read your post and wanted to say I'm so sorry you're struggling so much. I totally get how you're feeling. The decision was taken away from me too for other reasons. I had my only when I was 40 and was so tired and we we were renting an unsuitable house and had money issues. Now I just wish we had tried for another.
What I would wish for is to go back to before DS was born and rewind my age by 10 years..if only!
I think the only thing to be done is to love your daughter and explain to her that it's not going to be possible to have another child. She will hopefully come round to understanding when she's older.
The maternal drive is so strong that even now at 53, I am more broody than ever but it's cruel too as my eggs would not be viable.
I wish you luck and send strength to you going forward. Hopefully we will both find peace x

I’m sorry for your loss, OP. I had DC at 40 and prior to that a miscarriage. I recognise both pregnancies and recovery took a big toll on my body especially as I was older.

In my family tree on both sides, all family who had siblings ended up estranged from them. I almost ended up estranged from mine. DH is in low contact with his sibling.

We need to be a two income household too. So DC goes to childcare five days a week. I value the time we have together outside of this and it always seems too fast and we don’t do everything I would like to do because of the limited time.

Balancing with health, work and time I can’t do it all again.

I focus on DC and I know DC is a well-adjusted child. I always craved attention from my parents because they expected my siblings to be automatic friends to me.

So I want to focus solely on DC and the family unit of DH, DC and I.

I hope that some of the posters from 5 years ago might be able to tell us it gets easier although @BooseysMom still feeling broody at 53 is where I suspect I may end up.

@BreezyLilacZebra I’m feeling similarly sad as it looks increasingly like we will remain a one child family. I’m also immensely grateful (do you ever watch Dr Becky going on about how two things can be true?)

We had multiple rounds of IVF with many failures and disappointments along the way and we’ve had more IVF with no success and have to stop somewhere to enjoy the family we are.

DC does ask for a sibling but knows (in an age appropriate way) how hard it was and that the doctors helped me to get pregnant before and that lots of the time it doesn’t work.

Lots of DC friends’ mums happen to be pregnant - some with their third. I socialise a bit with some of them for DC’s sake. They don’t know how much older I am and I’ve been asked a few times if I will have more children.

My own friends have children who are much older and are navigating phones and social media while we’re navigating toddler football and when to take stabilisers off the bike.

It’s a lonely place to be but I’m very conscious that the more headspace I allow the loneliness to occupy the less I’m feeling the joy of being a family at last.

We could have afforded to travel and have a nice lifestyle etc even with another DC in the mix - I know we could because the tens of thousands we have spent on IVF could have been channelled to a holiday fund.

I just feel that to be the mum I want to be I’m just going to have to continue to be exposed to all these larger families of DC’s friends and I find it very hard.

I’m from a large-ish family myself. I love all my siblings, we’re very different people but get on really well and always want the best for each other. I know not all siblings get on, certainly no rose-tinted glasses as in the wider family there are some really fraught sibling relationships. Like soap opera plot fraught!

I think this is something I will have to work on, in order to avoid spoiling any aspect of DC’s childhood with my feelings.

commenting as I’m in the same boat. Cry every day :( sending love