One and done after difficult first?

[JenWilson19]

Hello all! I’d like to prefix this post by apologising to any families out there desperately trying to conceive a second child. This post may come across as self indulgent and may be triggering. I don’t mean for that at all.

I’m a FTM to a 16 week old. To cut a long story short, after a very traumatic delivery, DS was a horrendously colicky, sleep fighting, refluxy mess for the first 12 weeks of his life. Weeks 13 to date have not been much better. Instead of colicky screams, he now just spends all day crying and fussing (and still fighting sleep). Nothing me or his dad do seems to be correct.

I love my son dearly but I have hated every minute of motherhood so far. I miss my old life desperately. In my darkest hours I feel I have made a terrible mistake having a baby.

As I am a bit older (34) I assumed we would crack on with a second relatively quickly. We had no problems conceiving DS.

I’m now however seriously contemplating the possibility of ‘one and done’. There are pros to that both for me: mainly that I’m not sure my mental health could take this again, but also it would impact my career less. There are also pros for DS: we could afford to privately educate him, more hobbies, better holidays etc. The big con however is the lack of sibling(s). I grew up very close to my brother and I feel it’s wrong of me to actively chose to withhold that from my son. I also am fully aware this is a decision i could live to sorely regret.

I’m a very pragmatic person and, if and when DS becomes easier, I do not want to look back on this time with rose tinted glasses. It’s been utterly horrendous. I’d love to hear from anyone who relates to this situation, what decision you came to and why. It would be so useful for me to look back on in the future. I really don’t want to forget how it felt in the thick of it and be swayed by that. Thank you.

First, v sorry you’re having a hard time. Wondering if worth getting DS checked out? Eg I know several friends/family members who had rough first year due to reflux.

It’s v early days!

We had DC2 after secondary infertility. Know lots of people with one DC, some through choice and some not, and there’re (of course!) pros and cons, as with anything. A big pro is more time for the parents for things other than parenting!

I personally don’t think ‘depriving’ a DC of a sibling seems one of the main cons. lots and lots of siblings don’t get on! Our DC1 didn’t especially want a sibling and though they love and are usually good to each other they’re like chalk and cheese and there’ve been some big challenges too. (Now secondary age!)

Hi OP. I felt exactly the same as you, we both decided very quickly after DS was born that neither of us wanted any more children he was a terrible sleeper and a very clingy baby and I didn't take to being a mother like I hoped I would.

DS is 4 soon and we have never had any doubts, DS is now a very easy (for the most part) toddler but I will never forget how much I hated the first 2 years I am not a baby person and do not want to go back to that again. We love our family as a 3 it just works for us we feel complete. We do always get the oh but you need to give DS a sibling. We do not. He is a very happy boy with plenty of cousins and friends children the same age he will have to play with.

The decision is obviously yours and your partners. We did make the right decision for us only having one.

I read an article somewhere that having one child is literally the best of both worlds. You get the experience of being a parent, the joy of loving and watching a child grow up but your life bounces back very quickly to where it was before kids. I loved the idea of that and have adjusted my attitude to mindfully experience everything with DD as the "first and last" memory of that stage. She was a much-wanted rainbow baby but I had an extremely difficult pregnancy and first year (silent reflux, colic, PND etc).

I'm an only child and have plenty of friends who are only children, all of whom are happy and well-rounded adults. So in that sense there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty about not giving a child a sibling for their development. I actually find it very offensive if people imply that my life is "lesser" than that of people who have siblings, and that the experience of being an only child has damaged me in some way. I grew up loving reading, arts, crafts, video games and never felt lonely. I couldn't wait for school holidays because I always had tons of projects/books lined up for myself.

To be perfectly honest, I think the intense pressure of having more kids is extremely societal and often times a trap because nobody cares about how the mothers are coping once the kids are here. People pretend that everything is great but I daresay many women who went on to have more kids are very, very unhappy. There was an honest MN thread a few weeks ago about people who regret children. The surprising part is how many talked about DC in plural. Makes you wonder why on earth someone would have more if they struggled with the one(s) already there, but at the same time it's not that surprising since the urge to give kids a sibling and create a big family is so ingrained into society.

I was also 34 when DD was born so age was a factor in my decision. I just about coped with the sleepness nights at 34 but I'm sure I won't be able to do the same at 38-40. (This is not even considering the fact that rising age increases the risks of miscarriage/complications). I want to have my life and career back and share that with my DD who is already here, rather than gamble it all for a second baby if that makes sense. I love DD so much and want to be fully here for her and enjoy our life as a family of 3 to the max for the next 10-20 years. I don't want her sitting in the sidelines alone & worrying while I go through a miscarriage/difficult pregnancy or feel sidelined by a new sibling.

I think you are far too soon post partum to make a decision on this. You are still adjusting to your new life. However, it is certainly possible that you will feel this way long term.

read an article somewhere that having one child is literally the best of both worlds. You get the experience of being a parent, the joy of loving and watching a child grow up but your life bounces back very quickly to where it was before kids.

I disagree very much. Two children make their own little ecosystem. One child is either alone or waiting to be included in your life.

Oh god it took me until my first was 5 before I even contemplated another and I was 33 when I had my first.
Life was difficult to the extreme with my first.
Similarly to your child except mine didn’t sleep a full night through until he was 5 and school full time, with the colic, teething, vaccinations, chicken pox, clocks going back/forward etc he was extremely difficult to parent.
Additionally I had no help, support or a break from it.

I could not have done any of it again.
But it did get easier and memories faded.

You are only a short way in, it will get better honestly it will.

I always wanted two children but DC1 was a big shock to the system and we had a hard time. We weren't ready to even consider another for ages, and only decided to TTC after he turned 2. We have DC2 now and it's bloody hard work but no regrets. We know from first time around that the annoying phrase "this shall pass" is true!

The newborn phase is always difficult but reflux makes it even harder. DC1 had silent reflux caused by CMPA which we didn't realise until much further down the line - I think it would have made our lives much easier if we'd realised sooner, or I would have been less stressed, at least, knowing what was going on.

Please do look into CMPA and consider whether that could be causing the reflux - see if baby has any other symptoms that suggest CMPA. If that is the cause, the fix is simple (cut out dairy if breastfeeding, give hypoallergenic formula if formula feeding) and it can completely transform unhappy, unsettled babies into happy settled ones. See www.allergyuk.org/information-and-advice/conditions-and-symptoms/469-cows-milk-allergy

If it's not CMPA you can still treat the reflux. Have you discussed it with your GP?

16 weeks after giving birth it really not the time to be making a decision like this.

I probably could have written your post after having my first - awful birth, difficult baby/toddler with long term health issues. However, although it seems like a slog now it really does pass in the blink of an eye. You will come out of the other side - and may actually find you enjoy parenting once they eventually a bit more 'human' ie can walk, talk etc.

I couldn't even entertain having another until DS1 was about 3. It wasn't until this point that I started to enjoy being a mum and things seemed much easier once he was walking, talking, sleeping and toilet trained. Also wanted him to have a sibling for his own sake as much as actually wanting another child.

Don't regret it for a second. Second time round was completely different and helped me put some of the demons from the first time to bed. DS2 is the light of my life.
Won't be going for a third though

"Won't be going for a third though "
Ditto!

It is very early days yet. We had a reflux baby (silent so her throwing up every feed wasn’t a problem for GP and only Dx’d at 6 week paeds check). And I was back at FT work at 18 weeks having taken an extra 4 weeks leave (Mat leave was much shorter then).

When she was 5, after Creche noticed at age 3 and we started pursuing straightaway, she was dx’d with ASD (would have still been called Aspergers Syndrome 6 months earlier before the medical manual changed) and ADHD.

And we live 250 miles away from family.

We love DD dearly, but we had decided long since that we were happy with 1. DH and I both have difficult and very stressful jobs, and lots of pressure from them. Including a need to travel overseas so juggling diaries has always been a factor in our lives. Dd has grown up to be a lovely girl in lots of ways, has overcome a lot of issues, but still has a need to keep very busy and be very focussed and routine based, and has channelled a lot of that energy into being an elite athlete with all the added requirements on parents which that brings. And teenage hormones added to the mix.

But because we only have her, we can spend time and money on supporting her. We have been able to continue working at the level we do and not make hard decisions about someone stepping back. We all fit in a (family) hotel room so can go on great trips at times together. DH and I have also got some opportunities to be a couple again as she’s got older and have the money to go out for the odd dinner or theatre trip.

And we can protect her from those who didn’t understand her or made problems for her or us back when we needed to keep to her routines or not attend certain events because she couldn’t manage them (loud noises or bright lights) or that we had to leave some things because it was all too much for her (and no, her meltdowns were not just “being naughty” but couldn’t handle so much change and new things and expectations on top of sensory overload of too hot/bright/loud etc....🤬🤬🤬 at some of the comments we got at times). So having just 1 meant that we could easily remove her from a situation if necessary and not worry about DH or I having to manage other DCs.

But reflux and a hard start doesn’t mean YOU will face all that - it was coincidence that the reflux and a heart murmur were there as well as the ASD/ADHD.

I’m
Happy we have 1. There are things, looking back in recent years, that I know she has taught me which make me a better person than if it was just DH and I. I also got back into Scouting, which I always loved back home, to support her initially - she enjoyed her years in Cubs and 2 years in Scouts but is too busy to keep going right now, but I am still having great fun as a Cub leader. And I wouldn’t have time to do that if I had more DCs to mind as well.

But that’s our particular circumstances.

I was 31 having dd, who is now 14, BTW

Thank you so much for all of your replies.

I’m aware 16 weeks is very early to be considering this. I’m in no way saying my decision is made. But as I said I want that decision to be informed and not clouded. I know hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I don’t want to regret having another child, when the experience with this one so far has been awful. Maybe I need to just accept being a parent actually isn’t what I wanted. But now I am it’s about making the best decisions going forward. It is very raw at the moment, but I almost feel I need to remember this (I don’t think I’ll forget it to be honest) so I’m not thinking ‘what if’

But if you want to make an informed decision, you need more information. 16 weeks of parenthood is not enough information.

I've always wanted 3 children. All through my pregnancy with DS I still wanted 3 even though it was a hard pregnancy. The second he was born I knew I didn't want anymore. He's nearly 2 now and I haven't changed my mind. There is just one con to so many pros to sticking with one.

I had a similar experience and stuck with 1 who is now 15. I think there are advantages and disadvantages really. She felt different when she was in infants where they did a lot of work about your family, with photos and projects. And there are times when I did feel sad, for example being at home in the school holidays and hearing children laughing and having a great time in the gardens along the road, where ours was sort of quiet and sedate. We tried very hard to ensure she had other dc around her. But sometimes people dont want to do things with others, so I'd take her trick or treating on her own or something. Now she's older I don't think she minds at all. She has a big pack of friends who visit regularly in hoards. She goes out a fair bit to meet people. For me I ended up very depressed in her early years so it would have been madness to have another. I'm well now and my career is taking off again. So I dont regret it. It was right for us. I hope to leave her a home so that she doesn't struggle like we've had to. But I would say there might be moments where you feel a bit sad for them. Having pets helps. But for me I'm very glad my life has returned in that I'm working , improving my career and free to come and go as I please.

The early days can be very hard. My dd is 2 now and I feel broody for a second, but I certainly didn't feel that way in the early months. You have time, you don't have to make a decision this minute. See how you feel when your dc is 1 or 2.

I think everyone wonders what the hell they've done in the first 16 weeks and maybe even the first 16 months! The early months are just about getting through it.

I was exactly the same as you, in fact I decided I was done at one straight away.
Had v traumatic birth, bad pnd, not a baby person at all. Etc
Knew I would be OK by time he was 2/3 as better with that age and older!!
Almost 3 years later I'm now 38 and have never and will never change my mind. However much people said you can't know yet, it's to early, give it time etc
Couldn't imagine having another one and have been v adamant about that since ds was born
I'm happy with one, and am not worried about him not having a sibling, he has lots of friends and is v sociable.
Sometimes you just know your own mind early on dont be worried about if that's your choice, and on the reverse If you do change your mind thats fine too.
Don't let others pressure you into thinking one way over another, you will always know best
I hope you get some sleep soon

Me and DP swing between wanting to TTC and never again. It depends on the current situation.

Currently we never want another baby and would be mortified if I were pregnant.

If you’d asked me a month ago the same question, actually I think I posted here on TTC whilst bfing. Because we wanted another at some point..

It’s hard, and either choice is correct because it’s what you want.

Ultimately I know deep down we want more so probably will try. Just not after the last fortnight.