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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Original poster

Too old to have any more

23 replies

yesiknow23 · 04/11/2020 11:54

I'm 44 and a second child hasn't happened for us. I've had 2 losses in the last year..

It won't happen now and I just feel a but sad that I've run out of time

I'm truly grateful for my dc and I know I need to just try and move on as I feel like my life has been on hold for many years

Anyone else feel the same?

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caringcarer · 04/11/2020 12:37

Sorry for your loss. I know it.is miserable. I remarried at 41 and got pregnant at 42 we were delighted. I miscarried at 16 weeks which was awful and it took me months to get through the whole day without crying. We tried hard but I never got pregnant again. We have for the last 8 years fostered a child who now feels like our own. We want to adopt him but we can't as his parents block it. He says can we adopt him when he is 18.

Original poster
yesiknow23 · 04/11/2020 13:13

Sorry to hear about your losses too @caringcarer

I hope you manage to adopt your son

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Original poster
yesiknow23 · 04/11/2020 19:50

And well done for fostering I really admire you doing that

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BooseysMom · 04/11/2020 21:36

@yesiknow23.. Yes I feel exactly the same. I had DS at 41 and was never able to have another and I'm now def too old. It is hard to accept he'll never have a sibling but he's happy and has friends. I try to count my blessings and make things as good as I can for DS. Our house is too small for another anyway and we can't afford to move.
I'm sorry to hear of your loss and hope you find peace Flowers

DigOutThoseLemonHandWipes · 04/11/2020 21:49

It took me over seven years to have DS so I was 37 when he was born. For the next five or so years we kept trying for a second with no joy, another four years on and I am still sad that DS doesn't have a sibling but I wouldn't want to start again now because I'm forty seven and we are beyond the "young child" stage and I would not want to go back to it now. I still have sad moments but most of the time I am more grateful that we did get to be parents and have the glorious wonderful bundle of crazy that is DS.

JustStuck · 04/11/2020 22:14

@yesiknow23
I am going through something similar..I think it's the initial shock that threw me that I might only ever have one child..I am very very slowly adjusting..I notice more one child families and count my blessings..I think once the door to growing my family is fully closed, I will of course be very sad but also relieved to be able to move on with my life.

Original poster
yesiknow23 · 05/11/2020 13:54

I think that's it @JustStuck I'm still holding on to a teeny bit of hope that it might happen and I can't move on until it's really too late .. maybe next year I will feel better

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Original poster
yesiknow23 · 05/11/2020 18:38

And I should add in an only .. I was very happy. I have no doubts that dc will be ok as an only too .. but I just want to do it all again. I don't feel ready to move on and close the door on the little kid years yet.. it's all been over too soon!

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Original poster
yesiknow23 · 05/11/2020 18:49

I'm an only not in an only!

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BooseysMom · 10/11/2020 20:58

@yesiknow23.. I feel exactly the same, that it's all over too soon. DS is 7 in a few days and all he wants to do is go on YouTube and play games..all I want him to do is watch his old CBeebies progs! I reminisce about the "old days" way too much. But tell myself no matter how many you have, you will always have to let go at some point. It's just so hard.

@DigOutThoseLemonHandWipes... what you say resonates with me alot. I was nearly 41 when we had DS after 2 mc's and we tried for a second but like you it never happened. But I do feel blessed every day to have DS.

@JustStuck.. I am also very slowly adjusting. I feel so grateful to have DS and find chatting to those in the same position really helps.

BML123 · 15/11/2020 17:50

I had the same feeling, unfortunately we tried for 3 years with 3 MC before conceiving our now 2 year old by which time I was 40 yo. We briefly considered having another one but after 3 years of either being pregnant or having just recovered from a MC I could not fathom going through the cycle again. Now I am 42 and although I would have lived a sibling at least we can now afford to give him the best in life.

Original poster
yesiknow23 · 15/11/2020 19:10

Sorry for your losses @BML123

And I really understand how you feel @BooseysMom

My dd is my world but I would love another chance

I think by the time I'm 45/46 then I'll know I can move on but I think at the moment I still have a sliver of hope and that's hard

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BooseysMom · 17/11/2020 15:30

@yesiknow23.. thank you. That's exactly how i feel too! I thought that if it hasn't happened by the time I'm 45 I have to draw a line under it and move on. But I honestly thought I was this month until today when AF came..3 days late! It's like every month I go through the same thing like bloody Groundhog day!!

I wish you luck x

@BML123... your experience sounds very similar to mine. I was 40 when we finally conceived DS after 2 MC. Yes we would struggle if we had another so like you say at least we can afford things.

Original poster
yesiknow23 · 25/11/2020 14:22

Sorry to hear you haven't got closure @BooseysMom.

I am hoping a new job will help me...

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JustStuck · 26/11/2020 20:56

I am also sorry @BooseysMom, I have read your updates on various threads.
@yesiknow23 for me, I think building a fufilling happy life for myself e.g. pushing with career, looking after my well being, indulging in hobbies will help with the grief and I can start moving on to the next stage of life...x

BooseysMom · 27/11/2020 05:38

@yesiknow23.. thank you Smile. I hope your new job works out..good luck xx

@JustStuck.. thank you too Smile. I have up and down days and it gets worse with menopause edging ever closer. I must be getting a reputation for my moaning on mumsnet!!! You are absolutely right that the way forward is to build a strong career and foundation for your family. Sometimes I think another DC is actually not the answer as it would disturb the equilibrium we have now. That's how I feel on a good day! A bad day is caused by a hormonal low and something will trigger the sadness and guilt like seeing a baby with a mother and small child...anyway I'm not going there today as I'm currently on a high!!

It really helps to get it out here so thank you xx

Sunnyone1 · 17/01/2021 08:41

@yesiknow23 just to say I am going through something similar. It is really painful and I hope your new job helps to give you a new focud
@boseysmum I am in a similar position, ds at 41. Since had failed ivf and 2 spontaneous pregnancies resulting in mmc. I'm now 45. I just wish I could draw a line under it. Even during the brief weeks I was pregnant I was riddled with anxiety about whether the baby would be healthy/ resent me for being an older parent/ would we manage. As soon as the miscarriage happens my longing to try again returns.
I just hope my son doesn't feel lonely and is happy in life. I don't know how to come to terms with it.

Mum2baby07 · 27/05/2021 07:17

I’m currently experiencing a slow miscarriage at 42 it was a total surprise and my daughter is 13 and due to cancer treatment and an ectopic since I never thought I’d have any more so I stopped trying. To find out we had caught by accident was such a shock but a lovely one and we were all starting to look forward to it - my daughter included - but sadly not meant to be. It has rewoken my yearnings for another though and I want to actively try after this but am worried with my age and previous chemo if left it too late to ever have a happy ending.

On a positive though my daughter who has grown up is a well-adjusted, bright, wonderful girl and I never feel she has missed out on not having a sibling. If anything it’s made mine and her relationship so much stronger - she’s a proper mummy’s girl even now Smile the only thing I do worry about now I’m getting older is her being alone when I pass away and I regret she won’t have a brother or sister to lean on when that happens

Extrahotcoffee · 31/05/2021 08:20

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage @Mum2baby07
I hope you get what you wish for x

FelicityPike · 31/05/2021 08:35

Me.
I’m almost 44 and think my family (parents) would lose their shit if I had another now.
I had such a tough time to have our DD that I don’t know if it’s really worth it now and it breaks my heart.
We’ve had no loses, but no luck either.

Extrahotcoffee · 31/05/2021 10:46

Sorry to hear that @felicitypike. I'm 43 soon and will give it another attempt. I want to be able to say I gave it a good shot. Society tends to judge older mums.

springseason22 · 04/06/2021 06:39

@Extrahotcoffee can I ask how old your first is? We might be in the exact same boat 😊
My DD is 2.5years and I turn 43 in August.

Thinking about a second but also really worried how I'll cope. Have loved being a stay at home mum but DD is generally a good sleeper but even so part of it I've been really hard. Don't have family close by and DH works full time.

Oh well.... 😊

Extrahotcoffee · 04/06/2021 08:02

@springseason22. I have a 6 year old, I have had other pregnancies since then that haven't worked out. Having another one now feels a bit like starting all over again and as a result I question things.

I wouldn't let those practicalities deter you, things will work itself out, those tough years are short in the context of things x

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