Dd lonely and wanting sibling.

[Happybunny00]

Need help.

My dd is 5 years old, me and her dad have co parented since she was around 4 months, and honestly we are great at it. Although not together we are still a very close family of 3.
However, dd has expressed multiple times how she’d love a sibling, she says and I quote “can I have a baby brother or sister because I only have you and Daddy to play with” when we reassure her of the multiple cousins she has (over sixteen, and five of them her age or a year difference) her reply is but they are not always there. We remind her of friends and again her rely is the same.

I’m really confused and torn as to whether we should give her another sibling. Again, if we did the baby would be with same dad (awkward I know, but we’ve discussed this) I just really am at a loss. Before I didn’t worry as I believed there was many pros to being an only child, but with dd expressing the want for sibling and lonliness. Should we?

This is my first post, hope it makes sense.

Well, by the time the baby is able to actually play with your daughter I doubt your daughter would have much interest due to the age gap.

Can you find another way to ease her loneliness? Do you play with her often?

I think I depends more on whether you want to have another baby. It sounds like you have a really good set up if you did want another but ultimately I wouldn’t have another child just to please your existing child. You have to do it because you and the potential dad/ex want it.

You need to have a baby because you want baby. Realistically your daughter would be six/seven before baby is around, and then how much would they play together? My seven year old hadn’t really clocked if I had a baby it would mean just that - a baby - and not a ready made play mate. You could have a baby to appease her and then she doesn’t have much interest given the age gap.

Giving a child a sibling is not a valid reason for having another baby.

Sorry should have mentioned. I would love another baby, and my ex would too. We have had two previous miscarriages, and that’s solely the reason why we didn’t try again. I think we were both too scared as the miscarriages happened one after another.

So my question should really be. Do we try for a sibling even though we are both extremely worried there may not be a happy ending. Do we still try for the sake of our dd? Or do we resign to the fact we are meant to only have one child.

I was similar at that age. In all honesty, I do wish my parents had went ahead - I still wish I had a younger sibling or siblings and was extremely lonely growing up despite having close friends. Its just having someone to play with (even with the age gap), someone to fall asleep and wake up with, chill out watching tv, eat meals with etc - be “the kids” instead of a mini adult (obviously just my experience). As I’ve got older I see that I’ve never had the grown up meals out, wedding involvement, nipping round to each other’s homes for a chat and a brew, having someone to talk about parents getting older with etc etc. It’s a real ache I still have. I’m really quite jealous of my friends’ bonds with their siblings. One of my best friends has a sister 6 years younger who is her absolute best friend in the world, she calls her “sent from heaven to me”, they were each other’s chief bridesmaids, they had babies months apart, helped each other move home, through uni, through all the milestone and they are just so close and of course so are their children and so the cycle continues. It kills me that I will never experience that. I made up my mind that if I ever have kids of my own or adopt, I’d always ensure that I didn’t have an only like me.

That being said, I understand my parent’s reasoning. I was unplanned. They never wanted kids but did the best they could when I showed up. It probably wouldn’t have been great for them to have more that one and they decided to put themselves first, which I understand.

I also understand that you’ve got to do what’s right for YOUR family and the fact you and your dd’s father are not together and the previous losses all make this a very complicated situation. Pets helped a tiny bit. I felt a little bit less alone and they were comforting. Would a dog or cat be a reasonable option?

My sister and I have an 8 year age gap and have always been incredibly close .

What worries me is the parental set up? Together or not? What message are you sending your child? Are you good friends? Could you live together to coparent for the first year? Will you end up doing most of the work??

No, don't have a sibling because your dc is asking for one. It isn't a good enough reason for having a baby. Also, your dc might think she wants a sibling but not really understand the reality of what that might look like.

My friend's dc repeatedly begged for a sibling and said that she was really lonely and unhappy without one. When the much desired sibling finally arrived, the older dc really couldn't adapt. She had thought about the sibling as a playmate for herself, but she hadn't considered having to share her parents' time and attention, or that the sibling would have its own personality, strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes etc, which might not be compatible with her own. it turned out that having a sibling was not what she had envisaged at all; she subsequently developed significant mental health issues which she blamed on the arrival of her sister. To be clear, I don't actually think she became ill because of her sister; rather, I think she was just the kind of kid who always wanted what she didn't have, and a sibling wasn't ever going to fix that.

Some sibling relationships are wonderful. Others can be really toxic and damaging. You have no means of knowing which type you're going to get, or how your existing children will react to your new arrival. Have another baby for you if you want one, but please do it for yourself and not for your daughter.

Hey, that’s a relief to know.

Parental setup, me and dc dad are best friends, we was best friends before dc and after we separated. Dc has always known us to be separated but has always thankfully had the support and love of both parents being able to spend time with her.
We do the same amount of work with our dc now, and would imagine this is what we would continue to do if we were to have another. Honestly, we give our dc the message that we are a family and we will always be there for each other, all three of us. Whether mum and dad are together or not. :)

@EleanorOalike thank you for your opinion!!
Definitely have to do what’s good for us all, just a super hard one as I know we would all love another baby, but I don’t know how I would personally feel if I was to miscarry again. And it’s nice to have an opinion from an only child so thank you.
@AlexaShutUp certainly, think I most definitely worded my post wrong aha. As I would never have a baby just because another baby wanted me to aha. We all very much want one, however us parents are on the fence, due to two previous loses, it would be very very hard to cope with another lose. But also we always wanted more children as we didn’t want an only child etc etc and plenty of more reasons why :)

Speaking as a mum of an only. I think it’s a good enough reason (obviously you have to want a baby as well).

There’s nothing more disappointing watching your child play with other children and then when they go in with their other siblings your child has no sibling to play with. If I had of realised this when my DS was younger I would of have another child.

There’s no guarantees OP but tbh I’d risk risk as I think it’s worth it a sibling is not just whilst they are kids it’s about later on in adult life too.

Although it’s interesting you say your DD mentions it often. My DS has asked but generally it doesn’t bother him too much.

@Lillysnotroses thank you!
Yes dd has mentioned it a couple of times this week. Partly because all her friends have siblings and she has so many cousins but not one is an only child. I think the loneliness truly hits her when her friends leave our house or cousins and she is left without another child to play with. (Exactly what you said tbf)
I just don’t want to leave the age gap to long and I also think it’ll help more in adult life having a sibling.

The reality of another sibling when she is five or six is not what your DD is imagining. In my honest opinion you have left it too late. My sister and I are five years apart and never played together as kids because she seemed so young. We became closer as young adults when I unexpectedly had to move back home aged 20. In my experience if the baby is a boy it’s even less likely that they will be close.

I understand why people are focusing mainly on how having a sibling impacts on a childhood, but they’ll be adults much, much longer than they’ll be kids wanting a playmate.

My sister and I are exceptionally close. It’s now as we’re adults that I appreciate her and our relationship. Someone is who always on your team, but can and will be brutally honest with you when you’re being a dickhead. Someone who loves my DC nearly as much as I do, and I feel the same about my niece. I know this isn’t how it is for everyone, but I don’t think there’s any replacement for a sibling.

A few days ago my she reminded me of a really funny anecdote about my dad from our teenage years that I’d completely forgotten. I was bowled over laughing and it dawned on me that if it wasn’t for both of us, some of those memories would be gone forever if we didn’t have each other to reminisce with.

It’s so difficult to make the decision as your daughter may not get the sibling they want. For example they may want a sister & end up with a brother or vice versa or they might end up with completely different personalities & interests. Out of my adult friends I know it’s about a third that get on really well, a third that are not particularly close & a third that actively dislike each other. But I agree with PP that if you really want another baby then maybe you don’t have much to lose.

Oh dear god, no. I have two siblings. I still felt lonely. Didn’t have people to play with, they were always busy, with other friends, doing homework. Etc etc. Had I been an “only” I’m sure I’d have imagined everything would be so much better with a sibling. Not so. Absolutely not! Basically, what’s important is a good relationship with you.

@Doobiedooo.. Not the OP but was getting more and more depressed reading about how important siblings are to each other then I read your post..thank you for saving me from my wallowing! Basically we were never able to conceive a sibling for DS as I had him at 41 and another just didn't happen. I beat myself up over it endlessly. As a pp says above, what I seem to find upsetting atm is that DS will have nobody to share memories with when we're gone. I said this to DH and ever the practical no emotional nonsense type, he said well who wants to dwell on the past!! And anyway he'll have his own family to talk to about his past.

I never see my half brother esp now with the virus I can't even remember what he looks like!

All that said, if I had the chance again I would try harder to have another. I still have this dream that I could give DS a proper family. But there are no guarantees in this life and we are all different.

Good luck op.

@BooseysMom your DP is right. Just yesterday, my sister texted me with a traumatic memory about her babyhood (yes, really). I get sucked into this sad history (we had difficult parents). I’d rather have been an only child with happy parents and a loving household, rather than one of three in an unhappy family. And I hate the memories, haha.

Also, interestingly, the research indicates that single children tend to be happier. This may be down to the fact that siblings can be terrible bullies to one another (again research shows the most childhood bullying comes from within the family). I’d link to the research if I could, but I can’t recall where I read this (it was some time ago!)... but it makes sense when you recall that most abuse comes from those we know, often within the family.

Of course, there are kids who are blissfully connected to their siblings - the adults who say “my sister Js my best friend” etc - these are probably the kids in the aforementioned happy households! Good parenting, with parents who encouraged the friendship. And had these kids been only kids, they would have forged very close friendships outside the family (Again probably encouraged by loving parents).

There are pros and cons to both ways of being, but having siblings is not the answer to adult or childhood happiness. Also, once over age of 10, all (emotionally healthy) kids start looking more and more to their friends anyway. We are sociable creatures and I think the main thing in life is to have a lot of friends, whether you are related to them or not (& if you’re an introvert, maybe those friends are very few, but still you need at least one good friend!).

In short, be sure your relationship with your child is loving and everything else will be fine!

Ps and you do have a proper family! Absolutely. A lot more “proper” than one of my school mum contacts who has six kids and she admits she doesn’t have time for them. Interestingly, her daughter is (in my child’s form) is known as the class bully/pain in the ass (I think she does it to get attention since so little given at home). And btw even if you had no kids and just a cat, I’d still think of you and your DP as a family!

Awww your DD has very much rose tinted glasses! She has zero experience of sibling rivalry or falling out or having to properly share Mum or Dad, less money to go around etc.

Try not to take what she says to heart but remind her being an only has pros and cons the same as having siblings.

@Doobiedooo I think I love you

..No really, thank you. You saying about the traumatic memory your sister sprung on you just shows not all memories are nice rosey ones. It reminds me of DH's sister who has bad memories of hers and DH's childhood with their abusive dad.
.. another good point you make about bullying coming from within a family setting.

I can relate to the difficult parents too. I was determined to make my family completely opposite to what i had but there are no guarantees.

And thank you for saying we're a proper family. Guess that was a bad choice of words! I do get fed up of the norm, 2.4 kids etc. Why does it have to be that way? I know something, I'm bloody glad I dont have 6 and have no time for them like that mum!

So thank you for your kind post sharing these important points. You've cheered me up!

@BooseysMom 😁😘. I know what you mean about wanting the complete opposite. We also have pictures in our heads about what we think is “right”/ “best” (or at least I did/do). So it’s really brilliant to see how wrong I was about only kids (having previously had no real experience of onlies, it was a bit rarer when I was a little kid I think?!) but my child is so happy with a wide circle of friends, has a brilliant relationship with me, and is confident and kind and generous (probably to do with never having to fight for attention or stuff!!). I also encourage his friendships, and keep an eye on those that might last into adulthood - for the shared experience thing. Though in all honesty, he and his buddies don’t talk about years gone by now, so I’m not sure they will when they are adults, LOL. Oh last thing: it’s quite freeing not to be bound by childhood, your place in the family, your childhood reputation among siblings, etc!

Boosey: haha, sorry, that grimace emoji was a smiley before it posted :-)

Oh now it is a smiley. I think I need a coffee...