Grieving a child I never wanted

[Livpool]

So DH have decided to stop trying for baby no. 2. We are both 40 and DS is 5. We have tried since DS with 1 although have been pretty relaxed about it.

I had awful HG for 20 weeks and was in and out of hospital and then had a 29 hour active labour followed by an EMCS. On top of that I had post-natal depression and anxiety.

So why am I sad about agreeing not to have baby number 2. I was pretty half-hearted about having another so unsure why I feel so sad?!

We would also would struggle financially with another child and our parents are in their 70s so would be unable to help as they have with DS.

I also feel sorry for DS even though he is a very happy and sociable little boy.

I feel very similarly to you. Both partner & I are in our 40’s & for various reasons have decided we will most likely stop at one. That doesn’t mean I don’t find it hard when friends announce second pregnancies though. The only way I can make sense of it is to think that the craving for a child is a very primitive one & so even if you know rationally it’s the right decision not to have another one you can still feel torn. I also feel sad for my daughter at times. No real advice but just wanted to say I’m in the same place.

I think you are grieving the option rather than the child. When we have a choice we don't have to confront the reality.

Please don't feel sorry for your ds. It's perfectly possible to be very happy as an only child. My teenage dd loves it, and has an abundance of friends for company. Your ds will be fine.

Also, just to add, we never intended to have an only child, but secondary infertility came along and got in the way of our second. It took me a long time to come to terms with this, but I actually now think it's the best thing that could possibly have happened and I'm grateful for how everything turned out.

DD has benefited immensely from being an only child, and we have an amazing relationship. There are pros and cons to every family set up, but you can definitely create a happy family for your ds without siblings.

@AlexaShutUp, have you got to know many other one child families? The thing that bothers me is that the vast majority of our friends have 2 or are in process of having two (even the ones that weren’t decided before). Or does that not matter? I think I’m very susceptible to pressure from others. I don’t want my daughter to feel the odd one out but I guess one child families are more common now.

I'm an only child and my husband is one of four. As an adult being an only child has been bliss. My husband hated the noise, scrapping and general stresses of his childhood.

My son is an only, he is the only one amongst his friends that doesn't have siblings and I sometimes feel a bit sad about that. That being said he is sociable and friendly with a nice circle of friends.
I too had an emcs, suffered with pnd & anxiety. By the times I felt better about life ds was 6 or 7 and I was over 40 and did not want to put us through that again. It has worked well for us, we have been able to devote a lot of one on one time to him, have not had to worry to much about money and been able to indulge him without spoiling him. It's not what I thought would I would do, but I have no regrets and would make the same choices again.

AlexaShutUp, have you got to know many other one child families? The thing that bothers me is that the vast majority of our friends have 2 or are in process of having two (even the ones that weren’t decided before). Or does that not matter? I think I’m very susceptible to pressure from others. I don’t want my daughter to feel the odd one out but I guess one child families are more common now.

We know a few one-child families but not many tbh. I don't think it makes a lot of difference, really. DD is older now (teenager) and obviously chooses her own friends. Most have siblings, one doesn't; some of her friends get on well with their siblings, others don't. It's just not an issue for her at all. I worried about it far too much when she was younger, and wish that I hadn't.

Thanks @AlexaShutUp, that’s really reassuring. I’m an over thinker so it’s really to hear that you wish you hadn’t worried so much. My best friend when I was growing up was an only & I never thought anything of it. I guess like you say they choose their own friends anyway & it doesn’t matter if those children have siblings.

Lucy40ishere, I have asked her several times over the years whether she wishes she had a sibling, and the answer has always been no. She sees that some kids have great sibling relationships, but she says she can't miss what she doesn't have. She sees that other kids have terrible issues with their siblings, and is glad that she doesn't have to deal with that. She also knows that she has benefited from having more of our time and attention than many of her friends have from their parents, and more financial resource as well, which has enabled her to engage in some expensive hobbies. I also think our relationship is much closer than most.

It does help that she has a cousin of the same age who is also an only child, and they get on brilliantly, though we don't live nearby. It also helps that she has excellent social skills and has never struggled to make friends, so she hasn't ever felt lonely.

I used to worry a lot about what would happen when she reached adulthood and might have to bear the burden of supporting an elderly me and DH alone. However, I'm now doing everything for my mum and dad, without any help from my sister who is too busy and too far away, so I have realised that having siblings doesn't really offer any guarantees about anything. We will therefore plan ahead to ensure that we minimise any burdens that we might put on her in the future, and stop worrying!

Thanks all - I think it is just the option has gone now. There are 10 years between me and my DB and we have never gotten on so I feel like an only myself.

DS doesn't seem bothered and as I said in my OP is very sociable.

Thanks so much @AlexaShutUp. I really appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. I know a few adult only children & they say the same. One friend mentioned that she does dread her parents dying but more because she has such a lovely relationship with them. Like you say only children are often closer with their parents. And I agree that there are no guarantees that siblings will get on or help out equally when parents get older. I’m not sure having a sibling will make it any easier for me when my parents die. But I totally agree about minimising any burdens on our children. Like your daughter, my daughter is very outgoing & sociable but she also likes her own space so I’m hoping that being an only child will suit her.