Am I being selfish?

[ChefMum4920]

Hi all
Looking for advice on how to approach a sensitive topic with my partner, I've battled with Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and Ovarian Vein Reflux for 9 years which has drastically got worse after having my daughter 11 months ago via emergency caesarian section. I had a consultation with my gynae 2 weeks ago and have been told the only 'cure' for my Adenomyosis is a hysterectomy, which for me isn't an option at 26. I've always dreamed of having 2-3 children, being told in the early years of diagnosis that i'd never have children due to the severity of my conditions. My partner is happy with just our daughter, and I can't help but be a little upset if i'm honest. I've tried Zoladex (goserelin) which put me into chemical menopause but it was awful, and don't really wish to go through it again anytime soon. I know my daughter is only 11 months and have been told by many people that i 'should be grateful that I even had my daughter' but being told I have to choose either another baby or have the surgery to remove everything, I don't know how to feel, it's like my bodies gone into survival mode, I can't explain it! How do I talk my partner round?
Thanks everyone

And for the record I'm so grateful that I could have my daughter and I love her to the moon and back, but it would also be lovely to give her a sibling as I grew up an only child and found it quite lonely to be honest, my partner has a step brother so grew up with him from the age of 7. I've been told by a fellow user in inbox that I need to get professional help for my daughter's sake, I'm not a bad mum for wanting to give her a sibling before my conditions take over again, am I?

Just ignore who ever inboxed you

We all have a vision in our heads of what our family would look like - for some that's 1 child and for others it's 2-3. I also wanted 3 children but lost both tubes to ruptured ectopics after the c section for my DD and was infertile by age 36. We (I??) have put our family through huge financial burden and 5 rounds of IVF with all the hormonal changes and stress that brings and multiple miscarriages to have another baby (I also nearly died twice from the ectopics and could have left DD motherless) - is that selfish? Maybe? Am I doing it to fulfil my dream of 3 kids or am I doing it for my DD to have a sibling? Im now pregnant with twins so completing our family in one go. DD is so excited so I feel like ultimately I did the right thing.

Did the doctors say you are able to get pregnant again? Would you have to have fertility treatment? If it was me I'd try and have another baby first before agreeing to the hysterectomy as I think it would always play on my mind "what if" otherwise and I might regret having such drastic surgery without giving it at least one go?

I've been told with my conditions it would be possible for me to concieve again, but the miscarriage rate is higher with the Adenomyosis as it affects the thickness of the uterus which can make the embryo struggle to attach. I haven't spoken to my consultant about fertility treatment as yet, I've got a MRI in the next week to assess how severe its got since having my daughter he said there is the option of surgery but he quote 'wouldn't touch me with me barge pole' as they'd have to excise the lesion at the back of my womb leaving a horizontal scar I've already had a emergency section and he said he's worried as I had the emergency section after 64 hours in labour less then a year ago, he doesn't want a uterine rupture to happen which would be likely if we tried again and managed to concieved. I'm between a rock and a hard place at the moment to be honest

Also I'm so sorry that happened to you, I can't imagine what you went though 😭 x

Thankyou!

I think if it was me (and obviously I don't know all your medical history) I'd have the MRI to see if it's worsened and then try naturally for a while? If you get pregnant and miscarry it could be "bad luck" ie something completely unrelated to your condition or it could be related to it? I guess you'd need to ask yourself if you could go through multiple miscarriages in the hope that one sticks? (I had 5 miscarriages in addition to the ectopics)
Set yourself a timeline/goal - try naturally for a certain amount of months/year and then have the operation? Or try naturally then try IVF (is maybe enquire with a couple of IVF clinics first to see what their opinion on success is) x

Thank you hun 😊♥️ just nice to be reassured that I'm not selfish sounds silly but have been struggling with this. X

I'm not sure I understand what you're asking (not meant in a snarky way, just explaining why I'm not answering), but I think it's ridiculous for people to be telling you you should be grateful for having your daughter! They're only saying this because of your health problems. Your health problems don't mean that you don't or shouldn't have the same wishes regarding having children as anyone else. No one would tell a woman who fell pregnant easily to be grateful, and no one would say it to a man either. You're allowed to want more than one child, and I'm sorry that this is not a straightforward decision for you. All the best

I thought you were going to ask if you were selfish having an only and I was going to say absolutely not.

But I also don't think you're selfish for wanting another DC.

I had a few mc after dd1 and my DM tried to tell me I should be grateful I had dd1. I was grateful, but that didn't mean I was prepared to give up on dc2.