Very unlikely we can have a second child - trying to get my head around it

[CC81]

Hi all, I've spent some time on the conception thread... then the infertility thread... and now I'm here, hoping for some kind words! :)

Our daughter is nearly 3 years old. Conceived immediately, straightforward pregnancy, etc. We're a happy family of three.

We started trying for #2 earlier this year, but due to my age (nearly 39) had some tests. All normal EXCEPT low egg supply - which unfortunately is the one thing that makes IVF very unlikely to work. It's also unlikely we'll conceive naturally, on a statistical basis (as less eggs overall means fewer healthy ones - therefore low probability).

So... it's most likely we'll be staying a family of three. This isn't entirely unwelcome to me, as it was never a long-held, definite aim to have two children - but of course, now we probably don't have a choice, I'm worried about it. It's a massive thing to get my head around and I'm not sure what my true feelings are.

My concerns are all stereotypical ones - the 'only child' stigma, not having a sibling companion to share experiences with, loneliness, etc. I was close to my sibling as a child, so it's hard for me to imagine a different sort of childhood.

But I wonder how much of it is actually peer pressure, as we know lots of people who've automatically had 2-3 kids as a priority (and didn't wait until 36 to have their first, like us!).

We might give IVF a go next year... but at the same time, it's very appealing to accept what we have (which is great already) and get excited about moving forward with life. Going through this process has made me realise how immensely fortunate we are, to have the child that we do.

What do you think? Am I worrying too much about our child not having a sibling?

I have read this thread with great interest. I have just one DS who is 6 and for many reasons, the biggest being age as I was nearly 41 when we had him, we couldn't have another. I am learning acceptance.

Like so many others have said here, there are a lot of positives to having one. I think now that DS is older my reasons to have another would be selfish as i long to be pregnant again and to experience the feeling of the first few months, even the sleepless nights! But realistically I know I'm too old at 48 to cope!

@PatchworkElmer.. what you say resonates with me. I have found DS to be more needy and so I'm his no.1 playmate! The guilt can be awful, guilt that I'm not providing him with a playmate, so I try really hard to make time to play.

Also as many have said here, siblings often don't get on. I have a half bro I only see at Xmas and maybe one other time in the year. I don't know him at all.

So whatever happens OP, I wish you luck. You will be fine. There are so many reasons to be thankful once you find that peace within yourself like I am trying to do now.

Hi @BooseysMom - Thanks for your reply :)

At nearly 39, there are already days when the thought of a second child exhausts me!!! I think I would make the short-term sacrifice for the long-term benefit... but it doesn't mean it's the 'right' thing to do (whatever that is!).

I'm realising more and more that while the main driving force is the sibling thing, my desire for a second is influenced by social pressures. But then, I also remind myself that we know numerous people who have no children (by choice or otherwise) or just one, like us - and I don't look at them as if there's something 'wrong'. It's just how they are.

I've started seeing a specialist fertility counsellor, which is very helpful... but it really churned up my feelings. It's probably beneficial in the long term, as I need to confront and deal with the painful stuff, in order to move forward.

@CC81.. I totally get everything you're saying.. the sibling thing and the social pressure. I wish you luck with your journey x

It’s a really tricky one OP. I had DD, nearly 3, at 37 after 4 years of trying and two full rounds of ICSI. Before the second round I had very similar thoughts questioning whether I could go through it again if that one didn’t work, and starting to imagine what my life would look like without children.

I think when it comes to fertility treatment, you have to ask yourself in 5/10 etc years time, will I regret not doing it? Will you be happy with the decisions you made? There’s no right or wrong answer for this, for some it’s no treatment at all, for others it might be 5+ rounds. IVF isn’t for the faint hearted and if it doesn’t work it feels like a lot of money, hassle and heartache. But in the grand scheme of things a cycle might only last 4 weeks and can work.

I was also a poor responder and made few embryos but 1/4 of the embryos became DD.

Earlier this year I faced the to have a second question- I decided to have some up to date fertility tests and make a decision then. I am still awaiting my clinic referral due to Covid delays but in the meantime I have miraculously conceived naturally, at 40 after all my history. I am only about 8 weeks so very early days and I have a long journey yet, but it goes to show that age and low reserve isn’t a barrier to conception.

I completely understand wanting to know what’s going to happen, and being able make plans as a family of 3 or 4. But 39 isn’t necessarily the cut off for fertility, plenty of women conceive into their 40s. And really you haven’t been trying for that long.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

@TheMagicDeckchair.. I'm not the op but I have this thread in my list so check it from time to time. I was interested to read your story. What an incredible to thing to happen to you! Congratulations I have heard this happen to others trying. I didn't have fertility treatment and also conceived my beautiful DS at 40! I always wanted a sibling for him but sadly it hasn't happened and we couldn't afford IVF. I'm 48 now and we don't use contraception which some would disagree with due to my age but we have TTC for so long I'm not taking anything now or having the coil! I'm just trying to accept things as they are.
But what a journey you have had! It's a real story of how things can suddenly work out.
Good luck x

@BooseysMom thank you very much for your best wishes! It does prove that sometimes the odds can be stacked against you and yet it still happens in a heartbeat. I feel thrilled but also less ready than if I’d tried again for a while. You may still be in with a chance at 48!

@CC81 apologies for the thread derail- hope you’re ok and that the counselling is helping you to come to a decision.

You may still be in with a chance at 48

But imagine a newborn at my age!! I might even be now as I'm awaiting AF. But the chance of mc is high. Aagghh!!

@BooseysMom I only mentioned it as there was a poster on Babycentre who was expecting at 47- so it can happen. I would be knackered at 48 too though, 41 with a newborn and 3 year old will be tough enough!

@TheMagicDeckchair - Sorry for the slow reply - your story is amazing! I hope the pregnancy is still going well?

Re: IVF - Do you mind me asking what your AMH and AFC were, and how many eggs were collected?

We're trying to decide IF we do any treatment, which one to do - conventional or natural modified. The latter may be a better option, due to my low egg reserve. I worry about quality (and it's unlikely they'd collect many, if any - my AMH is 0.9 and my AFC is 5).

Either way, we'll continue naturally in the meantime, but only for another year. I would find it difficult to go through the wondering for longer than that.

PS - I should clarify, our current thinking is to do no treatment and accept our family of three, which genuinely does make me happy. All the medical stuff makes me feel miserable!

@CC81 I’m afraid I don’t remember my AFC. My AMH was 13, (I think yours is measured on the different chart) which dr said was a bit on the low side, would expect around 17 at 37.

Before my second (successful) cycle I read It Starts With The Egg and started taking ubiquinol and extra vitamin D. I would definitely recommend you give it a read if you have concerns over egg quality, even if you decide not to go ahead with IVF. It might just give you a better chance of natural conception. I had 7 eggs collected on each cycle, but only 2 good embryos which both went back. First cycle ended in CP, second cycle DD. None left to freeze.

I was thinking about doing one last cycle this time if our results came back with a decent shot at it, although I wasn’t looking forward to the prospect! My thinking was that they would tell us there was perhaps a 10% chance of success and at that point we’d draw a line under it and move on but fate had other ideas!

I’m 8 weeks now so still not out of the woods, but I’ve booked a private scan and NIPT when I’m 10 weeks so if that goes well I will probably relax a little.

@TheMagicDeckchair.. Too right about the exhaustion! I really need to get realistic about what I can manage at 48! But I am now a few days over when I'm always early or on time...eek!!

@BooseysMom that would be a sign for me too, my cycle is really short. Are you going to test?

My DC1 was conceived within a couple of weeks off me coming off the pill. Pregnancy and birth were straightforward and DC was a pretty easy baby. I was 27.

DH and I started trying for DC2 2.5 - 3 years later. I then went through a year of getting pregnant fairly easily but miscarrying a couple of times but also a ruptured ectopic pregnancy that required emergency surgery and the removal of a fallopian tube. After various investigations I was told it was unlikely I'd carry another baby to term.

At this point DH and I decided we'd try for one more pregnancy and if that didn't happen, so be it. If it did happen but ended in miscarriage again, he'd have a vasectomy and we'd focus on being a family of three. During this time we did a few things which were about making the most of being three including booking a frivolous holiday and staying in fancy hotels every now and then. We also did a fair bit of loaning DC1 to friends who had more children so their eldest had company or borrowing a friend so DC1 had company.

The one last try pregnancy is now 11 years old. DC1 was nearly five when DC2 arrived so they've never been preschoolers together, never really been interested in the same toys or TV programmes at the same time, have never been able to go along to the same activity sessions and in some ways, live quite separate lives because their needs and interests rarely coincide. As they are getting older, and more independent, their relationship is getting closer which is mostly lovely to witness.

@TheMagicDeckchair - Thanks for sharing

I've been taking ubiquinol for a few months now, along with a pre-natal supplement that has lots of vitamin D.

What dosage of ubiquinol did you take? I was on 200mg (one capsule) daily, then a clinic consultant recommended that I up it to 400mg (2 capsules).

Also considering DHEA, but think I need to check my blood levels first.

The way I see it, even if we don't have another child, it's all good for my egg supply and therefore perhaps my longer-term health!

Fingers crossed for your next few weeks.

@SE13Mummy - Thanks, that's really helpful to read

@CC81 my tablets are 300mg. Originally started on one a day then upped it to 2 (600mg) after reading about it somewhere, sorry I cannot remember where.

I think I felt healthier taking them and the vit d anyway, my heart palpitations stopped so I may just take them for health anyway again when I’m no longer pregnant.

@TheMagicDeckchair.. thanks for your post. Sorry for the delay. I had my days mixed up and AF came on hard at the weekend so i'm gutted and def giving up i guess . What can I realistically expect at 48??...I mean come on!!!

@BooseysMom sorry to hear that. But older mums do seem to be getting more common. It seems that 5-10 years ago you were written off in fertility terms by 40, but now I’m increasingly hearing about expectant mums in their early-mid 40s. And lots of women only starting families in their late thirties. If things had gone to plan I’d have had my first at 34 but I was a few months off 38 by the time we’d tried, delayed ICSI, had a failed round, had a break, then had our successful round. I suspect this happens to other couples too.

I don’t know about 48, I suspect reserves would be diminished but it does only take one good egg!

@TheMagicDeckchair.. thanks. True, there's less stigma attached to older mothers now but it's just that finished feeling I get now, that I'm one and done. Lately it's been hard to accept cos I keep thinking I've had all these years and only managed to have one! But many don't have any.

Interesting to read about ubiquinol. I have palpitations and a racing heart from hormone levels and I was on HRT patches which did nothing except cause stabbing pains in both breasts. I came off them and dont feel any different. Maybe I should try this ubiquinol.

@BooseysMom - I've been taking ubiquinol for the last few months. I figure that even if not for conception, it might be good for my general health and energy! No problems that I've noticed.

Also, I started another thread on a more specific topic, as I've been having a tough time making comparisons between us and other families. Some people there have said some very helpful things:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/one_child_families/4055588-can-t-stop-comparing-us-to-other-families-will-i-get-past-it

I've felt a bit better about the issue lately, but I have days when my feelings are so confused! We're currently 50/50 about whether to try IVF or not (simply for long-term peace of mind).

@TheMagicDeckchair - How are you doing?

@CC81 I am ok thank you. I’m about 10 + 2 by my calculations.

I had a little spotting last week and then my symptoms seemed to disappear so that was concerning. 12 week scan isn’t until mid Nov but I have a private scan as part of NIPT on Sunday so hopefully I’ll know what’s happening then. There’s nothing I can do the change anything so it’s just a waiting game.

I know what you mean about IVF. I really didn’t want to go through it but I also didn’t want to look back and regret not trying whilst I had the opportunity. It’s a tricky one to call- and if it doesn’t work it can feel like a lot of work and hardship for nothing.

@CC81.. just found your post. Thank you for the advice and link. Good luck for if you decide to try IVF, or even if you don't!

@BooseysMom - How are you doing?

Little update from me (as I started this thread and it may be of interest for others).

To my surprise, I got pregnant naturally in October, despite my low AMH/AFC and high FSH.

Now 13 weeks and all looks ok so far. And it's twins! I'm still very cautious, but we'll see.

HOWEVER, the experience has taught us that if it doesn't work out, we'd be happy with our family of three. It's been an anxious three months and made me really value what we already have.

I caught up with @TheMagicDeckchair on another thread