Very unlikely we can have a second child - trying to get my head around it

[CC81]

Hi all, I've spent some time on the conception thread... then the infertility thread... and now I'm here, hoping for some kind words! :)

Our daughter is nearly 3 years old. Conceived immediately, straightforward pregnancy, etc. We're a happy family of three.

We started trying for #2 earlier this year, but due to my age (nearly 39) had some tests. All normal EXCEPT low egg supply - which unfortunately is the one thing that makes IVF very unlikely to work. It's also unlikely we'll conceive naturally, on a statistical basis (as less eggs overall means fewer healthy ones - therefore low probability).

So... it's most likely we'll be staying a family of three. This isn't entirely unwelcome to me, as it was never a long-held, definite aim to have two children - but of course, now we probably don't have a choice, I'm worried about it. It's a massive thing to get my head around and I'm not sure what my true feelings are.

My concerns are all stereotypical ones - the 'only child' stigma, not having a sibling companion to share experiences with, loneliness, etc. I was close to my sibling as a child, so it's hard for me to imagine a different sort of childhood.

But I wonder how much of it is actually peer pressure, as we know lots of people who've automatically had 2-3 kids as a priority (and didn't wait until 36 to have their first, like us!).

We might give IVF a go next year... but at the same time, it's very appealing to accept what we have (which is great already) and get excited about moving forward with life. Going through this process has made me realise how immensely fortunate we are, to have the child that we do.

What do you think? Am I worrying too much about our child not having a sibling?

We only have DD (8). She is a gorgeous child and has never said anything to us about being an only. I feel for her sometimes when we are too busy or knackered to play with her. A friend asked her about it by email (lockdown has brought out computer skills a lot earlier than expected). And I shamelessly read (a condition of her having email and computer access). She said that she is half and half. Half of her feels a bit bored sometimes without a sibling, but happy the other half as there is no-one to annoy her. Also I know that she loves our attention.

I have a friend that so appreciates her relationships with her siblings that it destroys her not having a sibling for her child. I had 3 siblings and god did we hate each other growing up. Now, they are mostly okay. But I know that my relationship with DD is so much stronger as she is an only than I ever had with my parents. I have no doubt that being the oldest of 4 definitely diluted my relationship with them.

I guess we can only ever really see it through the lens of what we experienced. But that doesn't make it a concrete thing. It is what you make of it.

Good luck with your IVF

I think families come in all shapes and sizes. I’m an only child - and that was great in many ways, although now that my parents are divorced and elderly, I find it a bit of a burden. My DH is one of three and found that pretty miserable growing up and isn’t at all close to his siblings. My friend has the textbook family of boy and girl, two years apart - and they constantly bicker and life’s a bit miserable. I have two who are the best of friends and it is one of the greatest joys to watch their relationship. But I know that I am very lucky!

I suppose what I’m saying in a roundabout way is that there are pros and cons with any situation; all you can do is accentuate the positive (one child = more money, opportunities, lots of adult company and attention) and try to mitigate the negatives (play dates, time with cousins etc).

FWIW - I have a friend in a similar position with an only child due to circumstance. And, while she acknowledges that she’d have liked two or three kids in an ideal world, she’s never made what I think is the huge mistake of letting that detract from the enjoyment of the child she was able to have. Whereas I’ve seen a few other people go to extraordinary lengths to have a second child (years of very stressful IVF, remortgaging houses, multiple losses etc) and, while they’ve been successful in the end, have ended up with a far bigger age gap than they wanted (so never did get the scenario of kids being pals and playing together) and God knows what emotional and financial toll taken on their family. You sound like you’d be like my first friend, who really has her head screwed on the right way, so would probably able to approach the process of trying for a second in a measured (great if it works, still great if it doesn’t) sort of way.

What do you think? Am I worrying too much about our child not having a sibling?

Very much so, in my opinion. I'm an only, 47yo now, and I had a wonderful childhood. Loads of friends and always did amazing things with my parents. My parents were only able to have me due to fertility issues, and my mum said she worried a bit, too, but quickly realised she was being silly. She was just so grateful to be able to have me. I know many other only children and they love their life, too. Having siblings has nothing to do with having a happy childhood.

Hi @Yogatomorrow, @Aquamarine1029 and @NataliaOsipova - thank you SO much for your replies :) It really helps. xxx

I'm going to do some counselling with a fertility specialist, which I think will help.

IF we do any treatment (and it's an if), we've already decided that it'd be next year only, not beyond; and that we'll set a limit on number of cycles / total spend.

If the IVF confirms the probabilities (i.e. poor response), I think we'll have our answer and stop. But if I respond better than expected, we may be encouraged to try more. But either way, there has to be an end in sight.

My DS is the same age as your DD, and will be an only. I had an awful pregnancy and we just can’t risk it again.

I have very sad moments. BUT on balance, I think we’re fine as we are. I am loving having a more independent child, who can ride a bike, go on long walks, doesn’t need a nap... several of my friends are plunging back in with second and third babies, and I honestly couldn’t imagine going back to square 1 again.

DH and I both had difficult sibling relationships, which have extended into adulthood. If I’m honest, I know very few siblings who are genuinely mega close as adults. I’m therefore not convinced that DS is ‘missing out’ as such.

What is obvious now is that DS needs us to play with him more than other children we know who do have siblings. Thinking ahead, I think we’ll need to have a very open house as he gets older, make sure he has friends over regularly, and also think about having to take a friend on holiday with us when he’s a pre teen/ teen.

I think you just have to make sure you reconcile with it, you would have seen plenty of people on the fertility thread who haven’t and are clearly missing out on what they do have. You seem sensible, just don’t loose sight of that!!

I am an only child, as is my husband. For various reasons we will probably only have one child (currently have none). We are both perfectly happy being only children. When I was a kid I suppose I had the fantasy that if we had a sibling we would play together, but my experiences of friends’ siblings was that they were annoying so I wasn’t that bothered.

Recently my friend who is one of 5 asked me if I felt like I’d missed out on siblings and I could honestly say no. I’m sure some people do have great relationships with their siblings, the same way that some had great childhoods growing up in the countryside and therefore think that growing up in a town would be boring. But I don’t miss what I’ve never had. My husband is actively pleased that he doesn’t have siblings because it means he’s always been the centre of attention .

I have a chronic illness and don’t think I could cope with more than one child (based on experiences with friends’ children). I may change my mind, but I’m fine with it. I like the idea of being able to focus on them 100% and also practical things like life being cheaper, holidays easier etc.

As for parents growing old and needing help etc, my mother died of cancer and my father is luckily in good health. He can also afford care should he need it. I will do my best to make sure I can do the same for myself.

Honestly, I think there are a lot of positives to being an only child and it is often associated with better outcomes. I very much doubt your daughter will feel disadvantaged when she’s older.

Oh this is such a difficult one OP❤ I think it's a good sign that your dd hasnt asked for a sibling and is happy being an only.
I always wanted 2, had my dd 18 months ago and will very likely not have another. 98% I'm happy with that decision for several reasons. The other 2% I'm sad she wont have a sister as I have 2 wonderful sisters.
My DP already had 2 boys so she has 2 half brothers who stay with us fairly often so shes only an only child most of the time. They are quite a lot older then her so she won't really get that childhood upbringing with siblings though.
It's a hard one but you can only do what can and theres so many who are happy being only children and many who hatedhavjng siblings. It's not only one way

My DD is about same age as yours. We had fertility treatment to have her which means it’s highly likely that we’d have to do so again for a second. I found the process of ttc the first time round so all-consuming the first time around I don’t feel like it’s fair to DD to do it again. Perhaps the stakes wouldn’t feel as high while trying for a second as they were for a first, but if it felt like it did the first time round I’d feel like I was missing her early childhood.

My child is a teenager now and I was desperate for another but due to low egg count, blocked Fallopian tube it wasn’t to be. It took me a long time to come to terms with it but once I did life genuinely got better. I still get sad occasionally but very rarely now, I can even hold a baby and be ok with it.
My ds is more than happy, he’s never wanted a sibling which I think makes it easier and now he’s a teenager he enjoys not having to share resources with siblings

I would say you are worrying unnecessarily. I only have 1 who's now 14 and I'm much closer to him than I was to my parents.

I'd suggest welcoming her friends. My best friend at school was an only and I went on all their holidays so she had someone to be with. That was lovely and I am still very close to her parents as I was made to feel like part of their family.

I have a brother and we hated each other until the day I left home and physically fought as well. I'm glad I don't have to referee that! Sometimes friends kids have such ridiculous arguments about who looked at the other one etc and DS is glad he doesn't have that too.

Also get pets if you can. DS has 2 cats of his own and absolutely adores them. He talks more to them than I ever did with my brother.

@PatchworkElmer and @AnneElliott - Yes, I've been thinking the same, in terms of friends. We want to make sure we do lots things with our own friends who have children of similar ages.

@Bringonspring - Very true! Thanks for saying I sound sensible :)

@AFireInJuly - That's very reassuring, thank you. Sorry to hear about your illness. We're in good health, but there have been some difficult and exhausting times! The autumn/winter months can be hard-going when we all get consecutive bugs.

@8elate8 and @BikeTyson - It's always good to hear from someone who's made the choice to stick with one! I think we're halfway to doing that. Regardless of money, the thought of the IVF process is not appealing and I know I'd rather spend more time with our daughter.

@Chickentraybake - Yes, I think it'll take me ages to get used to the idea, but I'm definitely on the right track.

Now if I could only make up my mind about flipping IVF!

I'm an only and I hated most of my childhood. However that's probably more to do with circumstance than anything else. Df in the military, dragged around Europe, dm with mental health issues, a fairly toxic work environment for df and a toxic marriage meant I heard and saw things small children really shouldn't have. If I had a sibling, we'd probably both be in therapy.

If I'm being honest, my childhood was definitely a factor in why I have 2 children but being an only child was just one part of the problem. I suppose in many ways I hated being an only because I had shit emotionally abusive parents who used me as marriage guidance/referee from a very young age.

I was really happy with my one DD but I personally wanted to give her a sibling. She is such a sociable child and has no cousins etc around the same age. I would have been fine though if it didn’t work out. I knew I definitely didn’t want a big family.
I had DS this year and boy is it hard work with two! I do sometimes dream of the days when it was just the three of us and DH could take DS out for the day whilst I relaxed! Or when we went on holidays we could take it turns to watch her etc.
You need to make peace with both outcomes OP. There is all the chance that IVF will work and you’ll get your second. I think it’s good that your realistic about things if they don’t work out and have put a limit on how many times you’ll try. Some of my friends are trying for their first via IVF and it’s just awful watching them struggle.

What I meant to add (got distracted by oil delivery) is that I don't know anyone who missed having a sibling just because of that. It's always been multi factorial and mostly involved parents with problems.

Also there are 3 years between mine and I think the age gap is worth thinking about too. In many ways toddler dd currently feels like an only (and is asking for a baby for that reason) because ds is at school/doing out of school activities or having playdates. Dh is the youngest of 3 with a 4 year gap to his closest sibling and felt that apart from language classes he might as well be an only child.

I will add, I desperately wanted a second but before we started trying, we set hard limits on time and what we were willing to do (ivf was a no) for reasons very similar to those Natalia gives upthread.

I don't have children but I am the eldest of a large family. It wasn't wonderful or terrible growing up, just life as I knew it.
However when friends had the conversation with me about having a second to give their first a sibling I reminded them strongly that my sibling closest in age was more sparring partner than confidant in childhood and very distant in adulthood.
We don't fight or anything but it's best my parents had the second for themselves, because it would not be the best present I was ever given by a long shot!

There's pro's and con's to any family set up.
I was an only child and very happy. My relationship with my Mum was very close and I have never felt sad about not having near age siblings.
My DD is my only and she has 2 siblings from DH's first marriage. In some ways this has been the best of both worlds for her. She has the background love and support from older siblings but has enjoyed most of her childhood with undivided attention from her parents. Siblings are 10+ years older.

I do like having a sibling but DH and SIL basically hate each other. And although I like my brother when it comes to caring for my mum when she was terminally ill for a year he did exactly nothing. Last year my dad was ill, also nothing. So having a sibling doesn't have to be nice or helpful or help against loneliness imo.

Hi op, we were in a very similar position to you. I had quite a few mcs and it took us eight years to have one child (who we nearly lost twice) by which time I was 39 yrs. We always wanted three DC but in the end we had to come to terms with the fact that DD was going to be an only. Acceptance didn't happen immediately. Like you, I am aware that we are immensely privileged to have one child, but I was really upset for her that she wouldn't have the relationships with sisters that I have with mine and that we will be potentially leaving her "alone" in the world. (A conversation with my 94 year old aunt reassured me recently - she was an only and she is now a hugely loved member of a large extended family with three children of her own seven gc, and many good friends.)

As Chickentrwybake says, "It took me a long time to come to terms with it but once I did life genuinely got better.

^ This is key I think.

Of course you will still have sad moments about it every so often as it is what it is, and bluntly I happen to believe that DC , like horses and dogs, are happier and possibly a bit more rounded and grounded, growing up in in a herd or pack However, the most important thing is - beyond how we feel about it - is how our DC feel about it. And the sooner we accept it and try and look at the positives, the sooner they will.

Be prepared to have quite an intense relationship with your child (which is both good and bad) and also be aware of the potential ups and downs of living in a triangular relationship which can feel a bit unbalanced at times depending on the personality of your oh. On the other hand you will have flexibility to travel etc and you each get a full rest when your oh is looking after your only.

On a practical level, agree with PPS who say fill your home with pets (it teaches a child responsibility be and how to care for someone more vulnerable then themselves) and invite other friends on holiday. My DD has found friendships fairly easy because she has had no choice to turn up to things by herself sometimes. Also though it's a good idea to enrol your DC in to holiday clubs and extra-curricular courses with a friend. My DD has a mix of "only" friends and friends from large families. Don't expect other families with more than one child to necessarily be able to reciprocate with playdates all the time as they will have more logistical challenges.

I wouldn't worry at all about stigma btw. There are "onlys" in most classes in school nowadays and people are more aware of infertility issues than they used to be.

You are worrying too much. I have an only child who has had a lovely life with no stigma. There were quite a few 'onlies' when he went to school and it will be the same for yours.

However - you may become pregnant, who knows. Just try to think of other things and enjoy the three year old you have. You are very blessed.

I also think you’re (understandably) worrying too much

I’m from a big family - immediate and extended. My husband is an only child, as are both parents

Neither has done either of us any harm

Sorry for mispelling your nn there Chickentraybake

My post waffled on but my main point is that as soon as you are at ease with it op, so your child will be. It's how they feel about it that is the most important thing and they will take their cue from you. It's not easy though I know

Similar to a PP, DS conceived very easily but I became very ill after pregnancy and have been told to not get pregnant again. Plus some days I can barely get out of bed so I wouldn't cope with another.

I used to feel very sad and guilty for DS but then I watch siblings bicker, older siblings barely speak and I realize that it isn't all perfect no matter what set up you have. DS is three and it finally feels a bit easier, going back to newborn would be very hard.

Hi @CC81 - I haven’t got advice as such but just wanted to give you a huge virtual hug because I’m going through a very similar thing and I know how emotionally exhausting it is. xx

Hey everyone, I massively appreciate these responses. They're an enormous help (for an enormous emotional issue).

I want to reply to everyone individually, but it might take a while!

A few people have mentioned pets... we actually already have a dog (our true first child, haha); and may well get more in future. It really does make a house feel like a home.

My husband and I have a very equal and open relationship, which also helps. We talk about everything in great depth and at length, so I do feel very supported and we share a lot of childcare responsibilities.

I'm definitely more 'hung up' on the sibling thing than he is... partly because he found the birth a scary experience (from a witness's point of view, rather than an active participant like me!) - and afterwards he said he was just glad me and our baby were here and healthy. So a second child would just be a bonus.

In truth, I think that's how I feel, too. I'd love a second child BUT I'm not genuinely thrilled at the prospect of another pregnancy, recovery, newborn, etc. Especially after a year of IVF. It seems like a lot of attention/energy to take away from our daughter, at a pivotal time for her (age 3 to 5).

I need to wipe from my mind the vague picture-perfect image of siblings playing happily together (which I know isn’t necessarily realistic!).