Don't know if my child will benefit from a sibling

[Overmylimit]

My DD is 4 and would be 5 if I chose to have another, I'm just so on the fence and not sure if another child would enrich her life or make it worse?

She is very high needs, still doesn't sleep on her own or much at all really, and has some autistic traits which I'm looking into.

I just don't know if another will ruin her life completely, she needs so much attention but then maybe this is because she's on her own?

Did anyone else go on to have another when they felt this way?

Thanks for reading

I think if you have another you will find it very hard with a demanding child already. Can you imagine a newborn and your 5 year old?

@Craddle64 that's what I'm worried about. I'm not sure if it's worth the risk, although her behaviour could improve it could also get 10x worse and then I'd be completely stuck

If she has a sibling it will be for life though, not just while she's a fairly demanding child, but someone (hopefully) she will have a strong relationship with through teen years, adulthood, someone to share the 'pressure' of her relationship with you, potentially the 'burden' of caring for you/making decisions etc when you are older, someone who will be around for her after you have died etc etc. Not sure I've explained that well.

She doesn't need the attention because she's on her own, but she almost certainly 'gets' the attention because she's on her own. A sibling would very definitely split your focus... It's also quite a big age gap so the chances of them being playmates are slim. That obviously doesn't matter so much in adulthood (my brother and I adore each other and there's 12 years between us). But that said, we don't have many 'shared' memories or anything like that.

I didn't phrase that well - you're currently giving her what you need, as much as you can. Your capacity to do that will split with another child.

By the way, my brother is my only sibling and I have an only child... I think I'm relatively unusual having been an only for 12 years and then becoming a sister and it's probably quite interesting that I then very much chose to only have one child.

My dd didn’t get a diagnosis until she was 10. She has “high functioning” autism. She was a high needs baby and has been challenging to parent, but she has absolutely thrived with lots of parental attention. We have also been able to access private testing and therapies and not worry about money when making some life adaptations to best raise her. None of that would have been possible if we had a second child. Add in that the rules we have are definitely not the same we would have with a NT child. It would be very hard to explain things like your sibling who appears 100% normal and passes as NT when she feels like making the effort doesn’t have to eat her vegetables (because we negotiated they are mixed into the afternoon smoothie), but you do. It’s hard enough when we see extended family. I’m very happy that my parenting can be 100% customized to my only child and while she asked for a sibling when she was 5, she now says she feels luckier than her cousins who have to put up with living with multiple kids in the house.

I agree with pp, there are 8 years between me and my first sibling - we are close and have some shared memories but more of me taking him out when I was a teen when I was babysitting rather than family days sort of thing.

I did actually only plan on having one myself but ended up with a surprise when DS was 7... He's 14 now and as much as we obviously wouldn't be without DD - I can almost definitely say it's had a negative impact on #1. He is Autistic and quickly retreated into himself and struggled a lot with relating to a new baby and the change in dynamics as she was/is a high needs person.

Don't get me wrong there were lots of days in the beginning where he was absolutely besotted but when she started getting up and about he lost all interest. I'm hoping they'll be able to be in the same room without an argument again in the next few years 😂

My DS is 4 and has some special needs.

For many reasons we have decided to stick with one. One of those reasons are his needs and being able to physically and emotionally be the best parents we can for him, plus we have the money to spend on private speech therapy. He hasn't been a good sleeper, that combined with PND, an awful delivery and worrying endlessly about his development we decided we couldn't do it again, I'd worry our marriage would be irreparably damaged too.

Yes, we could have a NT, super easy child but obviously there's no guarantees and I can't go through what we've been through again. Plus like he'd be 5/5.5 by the time a new baby arrived if I fell pregnant now, I feel the age gap is too big to go back to the baby stuff again, also they may not be playmates due to age gap.

Thanks all for your comments these are really helpful to read. I've noticed she also gets really overwhelmed after she spends time with other children and wonder how another child would fit into the mix.

Thing is it's such a gamble isn't it, you don't know how these things will pan out but likewise you don't want to run the risk of making things worse. It sounds like a lot of people are prioritising their existing DCs which seems the sensible option.

My cousin had 2 NT children but her 3rd child has severe disabilities, non verbal, in a wheelchair and medically complex. She went on to have a 4th, not quite as medically complex but with severe autism, non verbal etc.

A pp mentioned having another (presuming NT) would be someone to share the burden with particularly as you age how we if I was that child and understood this was part of the motivation for being conceived, I think I'd be extremely resentful

I agree, I would never have a child with the expectation that they would look after me in old age.

As an autistic adult, my siblings are an essential part of my life. I have a few friends but my sisters fill any gap and as we get older I find I am more able to help them.

Life would be less of a pleasure without them.

I have a child with ADHD who we have had to parent in a very specific way. He needs a lot of work pretty much every day to avoid meltdowns and keep on track. Especially now he's at school.

We happened to have a 2nd before he was 2, in other words before we really knew.

You definitely have to have different approaches. I have to discipline him in a different way and you would be very conscious of not making the NT child think you were "harder" on them just because you're able to actually lose your rag at a NT child and it doesn't become WW3 for the next hour. So it makes you really be very conscious of how you're parenting both of them and how to have a happy middle. We will likely have challenges with DS the whole way through school and maybe beyond. Dd simply hasn't had the same issues.

On the other hand, they are as thick as thieves and have definitely saved each others sanity through our lockdown, which here was from early March to September. So literally 6 months where they didn't see another child. They are very very close. But then there is only a small age difference. DS is so used to DD that he knows what she likes and doesn't like and doesn't get upset when she doesn't want to do something, because she's never liked x or y.

She has also given him a lot of courage. He is anxious and she always has to do everything first. In the playground, she is fearless and bounds across the jungle gym whilst he watches. And after a few weeks, he quietly starts following her. Whatever she does, he observes like a hawk and its good for him to see that nothing bad happens.

They also can really relax and switch off with each other. They don't have to make an effort. They can just flop and watch TV together. There's a lot to be said for that kind of easy undemanding companionship.

I also think that if we didn't have DD, we'd be much more obsessive about DS. It can be pretty intense, having these meltdowns for the smallest of triggers. But having a NT child there reminds you that he is just a normal child too, and we have to relax. And we also have to encourage independence.

So we think its been very beneficial to him and has socialised him a lot and made him braver. But every child is different.