Please help - coming to terms with one child

[Mooghulempress]

So, we’ve got a DS (2.5) - I had a horrible first year with PND but since then things have been great and my sun absolutely rises and sets with my lovely boy. We started trying for a second in the spring but a miscarriage led to the discovery that I’ve got a large and agressive tumour in my pelvis. It’s not cancerous but it’s locally agressive and can’t be removed with surgery. Unfortunately, these tumours are also estrogen driven, so the doctors think it’s probably grown due to my pregnancies. They think it’s too risky to have another - if the tumour gets any bigger I risk ending up with mobility issues. DH and I always assumed we’d have 2 and I was so looking forward to having another to experience the newborn phase hopefully without the PND. And now that’s been taken away and I’m so full of rage and grief and I don’t really know how to handle it. We’re on holiday at the moment and watching families with more than one child makes me cry because we - I - will never be able to give my son a sibling, and I worry he’ll be lonely. I know that we’re incredibly lucky to have him, and he’s wonderful, but please tell me positive stories about having one! I’m in a bit of a well of despair at the moment and need some balance to remember that one can be great.

It's a tough one, but without being flamed, because I understand you are grieving for the second child you will never have, you could consider fostering or foster to adopt / adoption. The thing is having a sibling isn't easy as your child gets less attention and it can bring challenging behaviour.

That said are you sure there is no treatment for your issue privately. Sometimes the NHS there is nothing we can do, isn't always the case. Worth investigating all options.

Another is to accept, a happy family or four is snapshot and there is loads of xx is ruining my game, xx took my toy, why are you always hugging xx. It's not all perfect, but I certainly understand wanting more than one.

Sorry that wasn't a positive story about an only child was it ?!

I am an only and have an only. I was a happy child, I had good friends and loved my little family. I have close friends as an adult. I wasn't spoilt but I got loads of time with my parents and we could do almost everything, I got to do all the school trips I wanted because money wasn't tight. My only is happy and sociable loves his friends and is well loved and has a great extended family. Having an only is straight forward and you can develop a really close relationship with them, they are often comfortable in adult company because they are used to you and this can be an advantage as they get older. I chose to have one, I don't regret it. I hope you are able to find peace with not getting a choice but your only will thrive, remember there are no guarantees when it comes to siblings and he will never know any different.

I have one DD, not by choice. When my marriage ended I really grieved the loss of any possibility of a sibling for DD. She was also mad keen for a baby brother or sister, and asked for one every birthday and Christmas... Which didn't help!

However, as time went on she really started appreciating the benefits of being and only and hasn't wanted a sibling since she was about 7-8. I can focus all my parenting time and energy on her, I'm not pulled in two directions, I don't have split priorities. I can host playdates and sleepovers to give her the social time she needs with her peers, but when they get tired and grumpy I can send them home and focus ih on her needs. Whenever she is asked on a playdate or sleepover I get time to myself with no sibling jealousy to deal with. Its still not the family set-up I would have chosen, but there are definitely benefits to it.

What about surrogacy?

Or adoption?

I have an only too so I can sort of relate. Things didn’t work out with his dad... and now he is 5. I think I’m slightly delusional and wonder could I have another one day.

I often observe other family’s too it doesn’t bother me so much the only thing that does if when DS says he doesn’t have any siblings I feel for him as I’m from a big family. I suppose you just have to be thankful for what you have got.

I'm sorry you no longer have a choice that you wanted to follow.

I have a teen DS. He is fab and sociable. We made sure he felt part of a wider family by seeing cousins regularly thought not even monthly. He's enjoyed a lot of team sports and seems to have a lot of good friends. He's never said he's missed out by not having a sibling.

My friend in her 50's ended up solely looking after and paying for care for her mum despite having two siblings. One just shied from any family responsibility and one lived overseas.

Families are what you want to make them by their values not quantity. No guarantees.

I can tell you plenty of horror stories of two kids not getting on, including my own! A sibling isn’t necessarily a playmate or a friend. Good community and friends can be far better imo. Your son won’t miss out for not having a sibling, except for squabbling practice.

It must be hard for you though, with such a difficult experience the first time round. Give yourself time to grieve your plans and dreams, and don’t belittle what you are going through. Yes you are lucky to have one but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to have to stop there.

I’ve always wanted a baby, since I was about 12! But only one. I love children but I want to give my full love and attention to my one, and give her everything she needs and more without worrying about finances and the feelings of guilt that can often come with bringing a new sibling home. I know a few one child families and all the kids are awesome little things. Only one of those has ever asked about having a sibling and seemed to accept her parents response regarding money- not being able to go to Disneyland every year was a big factor! Your son will only get lonely if you let him. Make sure he’s well socialised and is given lots of opportunities to be around others. He may prefer his own company anyway. Who’s to say he’d get along with a sibling his whole life? I do think about when mine is older and if anything happens to us, but hopefully that’s a way off yet and when that happens-like it happens to everybody- I hope she has a decent support network around her to help her deal with it.

Oh catch yourself on.