Positive points about having just the one

[Oriflamme]

I will preface this with the fact that I myself am an only child, but I would like a parenting perspective!

I have one DS 8 months, and my DH is a lot older than me, so while we would both like another, we are agreed that the sensible course is to stop now. DS has adult half-siblings.

I know it is the prudent course to have only one, but I’m finding it difficult to accept it! Stupid, as I’m an only myself so I don’t even have experience of sibling life, but there it is. Probably part of it is having had DS during lockdown and not experienced a "normal" new baby time (whatever that is 😆), and part of it is nostalgia that I won’t get to do any of this again - the old pram is too small, he’s outgrown his lovely tiny clothes etc. And of course most of my friends and family have missed out on those tiny baby cuddles, and I wish I could have shared him more.

I’d really appreciate some positive words about being the parent of an only child - the advantages that having just one can bring. Anything to help me get over the disappointment of not having a second, and that might actually make me welcome having just the one to devote my time and attention to!

Largely comes down to finances for us - with one we can afford better holidays, any clubs or activities she wants to do, tutoring, days out, we don't have to worry about the cost of uniform or clothes, childcare was more affordable etc.

We also find people are more likely to offer to babysit when it's just one
We have more time to spend with her one on one, helping with homework or reading.

The sleep deprivation stage was much shorter with just one to get through.
Childcare stuff is easier to juggle with one.
She has lots of cousins and quite a few of her friends are only children, so always someone to play with.
And no bickering and squabbling (well, only with me ) which drives me up the wall with other kids.

Kids are more connected now than we when we're younger, so I think there's less of the 'lonely only' that used to happen - once they get to the age of phones etc at least.

I agree with cocoaone.
I was a twin and my oldest brother is much older than us. Having 1 mum was able to devote more time and money to him. He came on leaps and bounds. With is my mum barely had time to do more than put dinner on table. I think by the time we were reading she'd decided to just wing it. Time, energy and finances are what you sacrifice for every child you have and when they're older you'll be left worrying if it made a difference.
For me I do wish my mum listened to me read more. I was lucky my older brother did. Not everyone has children old or mature enough to listen to their siblings read.

Oriflamme You started this thread but never returned to it. How are you?
If you, or anyone else for that matter, is interested I have been on a journey to come to acceptance that we have one and no more. It's been the most difficult decision of my life and it was more of a matter of fate rather than deciding to stick to one.
Positive things then...
As Cocoaone says it largely comes down to finance with us too. We have had a rough ride financially and have only just come out the other end...at 48 another just isn't an option. If we had another now, I'd probably have to give up my job and if I couldn't get another, I'd be reliant on DH for money. Does anyone else have this with with their OH? He tends to like making me feel guilty for working part-time whilst he works full-time so if I was to give up work at first it would be all the sweetness and delight of a new baby, but would soon wear off when he sees he has to keep working while I stay at home.
Other positives are I'm knackered but not as knackered as I would be if I had two! With one it's manageable.
So if op or anyone else is out there and would like to share their experiences it would be lovely to hear from you.

I'm glad someone started this topic of conversation.

My DD is now 2 and I'm torn whether we have another or not.

I keep thinking how lovely it would be to have another but then if DD has a bad night...that epic wave of exhaustion makes me think "absolutely not!"

Oh what to do! Love to hear from happy mums of one...

We never set out to have just one, but we've found it so challenging and overwhelming that we made the decision not to try for siblings...!

Positives for us include:

• Being able to have more time & space with my husband
• Easy childcare - cheaper paid childcare & grandparents are happy to contribute towards school pick up, occasional sleepovers... We could never ask them to take on a second child
• Less financial strain
• Less physical strain (pregnancy, breastfeeding, being woken up 43 times a night for years on end)
• Less emotional strain (only one child's meltdowns to contend with...)
• More time and energy to dedicate to interests and/or work
• More time and energy to dedicate to friends and family

In short, I feel like if we had nore than one child, it would be very difficult to lead the varied, well rounded life that I want. I can't sacrifice my mental health for an idealistic vision of a family.

From the other side of the fence, I have three and the squabbling is horrific. I get very little quality time with each one as they all interrupt. Yes they can play together but they don’t have the same interests so prefer to play with their friends. They all talk to me constantly rather than talking to each other. We live in a strong community so they spend a lot of time with their friends. A sibling isn’t necessarily a playmate.

Not listening to two children fight all the time. I feel I would have more of a family feeling if I had just either of them. Our family the three of us (I'm a single parent) is not functioning atm and I'm struggling. My daughter went to my parents house at the weekend to get a break from her brother. My parents aren't speaking to me so that was difficult for me but I wanted her to be safe and have a break from him. When she was gone, my son was suddenly chatty to me ''see how heavy my school bag is!''. And ''these masks are so funny''. And ''would you like a cup of tea?''.

I am just struggling to make this work. I cannot outsource one of them even though it's like they both are easier and better company when the other one is not there. I don't know what to do. Perhaps this is tied up with being a single parent. I don't know.

Also, I have enough money to put dc1 through university with grants but dc2 that could be a real struggle.

peakotter - thank you for being so honest.

It was hard during lockdown to watch an only child spend so much more time alone than usual but I can see it might have been hard on siblings too. I tend to assume siblings are all happily playing together all the time but when I think about it, I know quite a few who really don't have many shared interests and constantly compete for their parents attention (rather than going off and playing together).

Interesting to hear people experiences of having 2 or more. We have stopped at one for financial reasons and the fact we're getting old! I see toddlers running off with mums dashing after them and felt glad it wasn't me having all that stress again! Not at nearly 50 anyway! I know I'm done.

@WiserOlder.. sorry to hear you're struggling.

I can't sacrifice my mental health for an idealistic vision of a family.

This is so well put

@BooseysMom could I ask how old you were when you had your first?

I'm an older Mum and I'm still 50/50 weather to have another..my DD is now 2 and I'm 42!! So I think the horse has certainly bolted there! And that tilts everything.

Although a friend recently had her second at 44 nearly 45!

@summerinthecity22.. I was 3 months off 41. He was my one and only. I had 2 mcs previously and had given up ttc! I was on the 40+ ttc thread for years and lots of ladies were mid 40s so at 42 you're not too old! I wanted another by 45 but sadly it never happened. Now I know I'm too old cos I feel completely done in!!
Good luck whatever happens

I’m so sorry, ladies! I hadn’t actually realised I’d had one response to this, let alone 13! 🤦‍♀️ I appreciate all the replies and will go back to read them more closely in a moment.

Since I posted, one of my best friends has announced she’s pregnant and rather than the jealousy I expected, I’m just happy for her. I have also had a slight pregnancy "scare"…and I actually felt more apprehensive and worried than I did excited. Fortunately it came to nothing😆

But I think I’m reconciled to DS being an only child and I think I’m actually ok with that.

I'm an only child and I loved it, I'm very close with my parents but still had a lot of friends as a kid so never felt lonely! Pregnant with my first and would like to have two but wouldn't be surprised if we stopped at one even though finances or age wouldn't be be issue. I think people just presume only children will be lonely but my mum only had one sister with only a year and a half between them and they were like chalk and cheese growing up and never had the same interests or even played together much so does go to show that siblings aren't necessarily always going to be playmates for one another. Whatever suits your family unit is what's best, whether that's 1 or 11😊

Have an only DD who is nearly 9 and have never regretted our decision not to have another. Really love our little unit of three. I see lovely, busy families with 3 or more kids and can really see the benefits. Personally, I couldn’t cope with that. I feel that I wouldn’t be a good mum to more than one child, and know the best thing I can give my DD is a happy, calm mum.

Some great posts here which have helped me too. Thanks all. I get good and bad days depending on where I am in my cycle. I feel like you @SpikeWithoutASoul that I would find it too much with another, even when I was a bit younger. Our little unit of 3 just ticks along nicely!

My DD is 9. We live very near my sister and her 2 so DD gets to join the gang when she wants to but more often she’s happier to come home to me. Too chaotic up at my sister’s! DD says she has no desire for a sibling and I believe her. She and I are very close and I’ve always enjoyed playing with her. I divorced 2 years back so she alternates weekends with me and her DD. The pros are: more quality time with parents, less compromising over what activities to do, more disposable income to do them, not listening to 2 kids fighting ALL the time (and my sisters 2 definitely do). We holiday with the extended family a lot and Xmas with them. I’m more than happy with my choice to stick to one and DD seems to be too!