Failure to have second child

[ybd88]

Hi everyone, my first post on here so please be nice. I’m not sure if this is the best place for my post but I wanted to share my story and hope there is some comments that could help me. I know it’s a really long post!
I have a DS age 9 he is an only child. My DH and I have been ttc again for 4 years and I have also had one round of IVF that ended up unsuccessful. It was never our intention to only have the one child and we always talked about having a minimum two, ideally three! The problem is my age as I turned 46 last month. My DH is 39 soon to be 40 and as he is much younger than me, he has been finding the ttc a second child and the failure to be successful incredibly stressful. He feels that he has failed our son and cannot shake the guilt to the point it has affected his MH. I'm really so heartbroken to see this and feel such guilt for not trying much sooner after DS was born.
When DS came, I was age 36.5. He was conceived in the first cycle. It was so easy we did not even try.
Our finances were not good as we had just bought our first flat prior to conceiving him (he may have been conceived the first week we moved in!), which was a 1 bedroom property that needed a lot of work. We were in that flat for 4 years and in all honesty, it was a struggle.
DH was on a low salary with his job when DS was born and was stuck there whilst I was on maternity leave and then I started going back to work after a year. As I was the main earner, I felt pressure to go back so that we could have a good level of income so that DS had the best we could offer. DH felt the pressure to improve his position and decided to change career to something that offered a much better salary. DS was 2.5 when he did this and as soon as he got into the job, he had to work incredibly hard to make it happen. Looking back this was probably the wrong decision as he was ending up putting in an incredible amount of time and was constantly under pressure. Over the years since then he has continued to develop gaining promotions and his salary has gone up considerably.

About the same time, he started his new job I ran into difficulty with my job. A long story but I ended up going through HR to fight my corner but couldn’t stay there any longer due to my boss having issues with my work which was incredibly unfair and stressful at the time. My DH supported me through this period and helped me to fight my corner and find another job. So then at age 40 I found myself in the position where I had to take on a new job that meant starting all over again. By this time DS was age 3.5. The next two years was incredibly stressful and just passed with a blink of an eye. We then finally got to a position to move to a small house that meant we could provide DS with his own room and into a good primary school.
Come 2016 we started ttc again, but nothing happened, and it has continued to be like this for the last 4 years. Once my IVF round failed, I gave up, but DH is still adamant that we must still keep on trying whilst I know it is absolutely futile. He suffered a breakdown last year and I had to take him to the doctor, and he was prescribed medication to control his anxiety and depression. He loves DS so much and wants to give him absolutely everything and when DS started asking for a brother/sister in 2016 DH just wants to do absolutely everything to make it happen. He feels such guilt for not providing DS with a sibling and as he is also the one that would have loved to have more children he just feels completely at a loss. I really don’t know what I can do. It is absolutely heart breaking to see him like this. He has tried to stop taking medication a few times as he is concerned that it could affect his fertility but after a few months he’s back to square one again. He thinks he’s a failure and that he’s affected DS life. We’ve talked about trying donor egg but I really don’t know if that’s such a good idea at my age.
I really don’t know what I can do to help him. DS is incredibly close to DH and they spend a great deal of time together, but in bed at night with me, DH just keeps talking about what can be done about this situation. He wants to try and “fix it” and keeps analysing the past with what if we did this or that. He now totally hates his job even though he has ended up in a really good position with a good salary, he just thinks it wasn’t worth it as he has failed to give DS a sibling. It goes on and on and he can only find calm by going back on medication to control the anxiety. I really don’t know what I can do. DS would have loved a sibling I know that and DH has ended up with MH issues following this. I am at a loss and cannot change the past. What can I do? I’m desperate to make things work.

I'm so sorry to hear you're in this position. It's very sad that your dh is struggling so much to come to terms with just having one child. Would he consider having some sort of counselling? No medication would be required which might make it a more favourable option.

I'm not in the same position but I posted last year on this board about giving up trying to have a second child because I'd had multiple miscarriages and had reached the point where I felt like I was close to losing appreciation for what I do have (a beautiful ds). I had counselling and really did find a lot of peace from in. In my case I decided to try one last time and was fortunate to conceive but I was resolute that this was my final roll of the dice and I had genuinely made peace with that.

I found this quote last year and it really helped me realise how important it was for me to find joy in my life as it is. For my sake, but most importantly for my son's.

Your dh sounds like he needs help to find his joy too. The sad reality is that his desperation and depression caused by wanting a second child so badly could cause your son far more sadness than any he might feel at being an only child. He no doubt picks up on the upset and stress this causes even if you both try hard to keep it from
him.

It's incredibly sad when you want a child and it's out of your reach and I know coming to terms with it isn't easy. I really hope that your dh finds a way to move forward and I strongly recommend he speak to someone professionally if he's unable to feel any better on his own.

@Aria2015

I'm so sorry to hear you're in this position. It's very sad that your dh is struggling so much to come to terms with just having one child. Would he consider having some sort of counselling? No medication would be required which might make it a more favourable option.

I'm not in the same position but I posted last year on this board about giving up trying to have a second child because I'd had multiple miscarriages and had reached the point where I felt like I was close to losing appreciation for what I do have (a beautiful ds). I had counselling and really did find a lot of peace from in. In my case I decided to try one last time and was fortunate to conceive but I was resolute that this was my final roll of the dice and I had genuinely made peace with that.

I found this quote last year and it really helped me realise how important it was for me to find joy in my life as it is. For my sake, but most importantly for my son's.

Your dh sounds like he needs help to find his joy too. The sad reality is that his desperation and depression caused by wanting a second child so badly could cause your son far more sadness than any he might feel at being an only child. He no doubt picks up on the upset and stress this causes even if you both try hard to keep it from
him.

It's incredibly sad when you want a child and it's out of your reach and I know coming to terms with it isn't easy. I really hope that your dh finds a way to move forward and I strongly recommend he speak to someone professionally if he's unable to feel any better on his own.

Hi Aria2015 many thanks for your post and glad to hear that it worked out for you. My DH is back on medication again and I think your suggestion for therapy is something that he really will need to consider. I'm lucky there as he is one that would be open to try if it meant he could get better. I just feel so guilty and regretful for not taking responsibility for my age. I know when I look at it logically the circumstances at the time was just making it impossible to have the stability to ttc agan, but when I was 38 or 39 that was the time to ttc again. Whats enhancing this even more is the fact that there is virtually no other one child families living around us and you always see families of 2 to 3 kids out and about. I know DH is going through MH issues that has developed from the years of ttc. He used to be fun and outgoing, but he is more and more retreating into his shell especially when it is just the two of us. He just seems to be beating himslef up going over things and wants to try and fix things that he just cannot control.

I think it's normal to have some regrets but you really shouldn't be so hard on yourself. It's so easy to look back with hindsight and say 'I should have done this and that' but when you're living your life and getting on with the day-to-day, time can just slip away.

You mention that there aren't many other one-child families near you but when it comes to your son making good friends, it doesn't really matter if they have siblings or not. Speaking to my friends who are only children, they all said how they value their friendships in the absence of not having siblings. In fact one of my friends said her spending time with friends who had siblings made her realise it wasn't all roses and rainbows and she appreciated the peace and quiet she had at home!

I think your husband speaking to someone would be beneficial. TTC can send you down a bit of an emotional rabbit hole and it's so easy to get lost. Hopefully your husband can find his way out of the hole and get to a place of peace and acceptance regardless of what the future holds.

Really hope that things get better for you all soon.