Thinking of baby no2

[Newbiehere123]

Hello All,

Basically I have a 15 month old extremely high needs baby. I'm currently at a stage closely monitoring him as he still isn't pointing but has started to share interests and bringing his toys to me.

I really want a second baby because I feel I need to give my DS1 a sibling and want to complete our little family unit as a 4. However, because DS1 is such hard work and I hardly have any time for myself, I'm frightened of the idea of having to juggle between two and missing out on 1 to 1 time with both.

My pregnancy with DS1 was extremely bad with 9 months of full on morning sickness but also had the chance to lie down and rest a lot, so if I fall pregnant again, I suspect it will be the same but only difference is I won't be able to lie down as DS1 will be demanding attention all the time so I will also be missing the well needed energy to get through the terrible twos stage.

I don't want a large age gap as I want them to play together or at least do the same activities together instead of having to split them up as there would be no point of giving DS a sibling if he isn't going to grow up together with his sibling but don't know if I can go through it and have breakdowns all the time.

My husband works a lot and has a very stressful job and isn't very helpful either. Occasionally he will take DS out or will occupy him for a short amount of time if I need to get things done at home or shower but if I'm going to do it, I will have to risk the fact that I won't have any support. My gut instinct tells me that the second baby won't be high needs and will be much easier to manage but obviously this isn't guaranteed.

What would you do if you were in my position? Would you go ahead with it? Would you wait for a couple of more years until DS starts full time nursery or would you be content with just 1.

I just don't want to be the type of mum who doesn't have time to brush her hair. At the moment, I don't have time for self care i.e make up or hair straightening. The only time I take pride in my appearance is when my mum is over and she looks out for DS when I get ready other than that, I really don't have any time because DS1 is really full on.

I would wait until he’s in nursery. If he’s high needs he may become jealous of a sibling too close in age. There were nearly 4 years between my brother and I and we still played on the stairs pretending we were on a bus, in the laundry basket as a ship etc. It’s fine to have that kind of age gap and to be honest I think it helped us both as I could work out the practicalities but he always had the ideas.

Only my anecdote, I know but....

dc1 was incredibly hard work. Almost broke me.
dc2 was a doddle in comparison
dc3 just fitted in with whatever we were doing

They really are individuals.
However, with the sickness, it does seem to make more sense to wait until dc1 is likely to be in Nursery regularly, then at least you would get some time to lie down.

They will still play together if there is 3,4, or 5 ears between them.

Thank you for your quick replies. Thinking about it, I have 4 year age gap with my sister and although we were not playing as much when I was young but we grew so close overtime and she did finally catch up with me to play together. My mum also made us share rooms despite having a spare room which did help us with our bonding although the teenage years were full of fights and fits but honestly she is my best friend and was even at the birth of DS1 and normally i am such a private person don't like people seeing me in pain.

It's just the idea of having 2 siblings in close age is nice and also the practicality of having them grow up together in one go instead of starting all over again when one starts nursery is just worrying me. I think I am going to wait at least until ds is between 3-4
and understands better. Right now he would probably throw toys at the baby or poke the baby or stuff things in the babies mouth. Keeping one alive is hard work right now

Do you actually want another child, because I get no sense of that from your post at all? Or are you simply feeling that you need to give your baby a sibling? If it's the latter, frankly, that is no reason to bring a whole new person into the world!

Your child does not need a sibling. Statistically, the research does not suggest that this will make him any happier or lead to better outcomes in the future. If he has a sibling, they may adore each other and play together all the time, or they may hate each other and make each other's lives a misery. Or something in between. There is no way of predicting which way it will go. Same if he remains an only child - he may love it or he may hate it.

You need to think about whether you and your DH actively want another child or just feel that you should because two is somehow the default number.

Just to add, my dd is an only child, and is now a teenager. She has never once wanted a sibling because she considers herself lucky to be an only child. She has tons of friends and better social skills than almost any other kid I know, and I am confident that she will never be lonely.

I also feel that I have enjoyed motherhood much more as a result of only having one. It has been easy to maintain my own career and identity, and some sort of social life. I don't spend my time refereeing fights or dealing with sibling rivalry. And dd and I have the most amazing relationship.

It wasn't the nice neat family that I had once planned - I miscarried her sibling and couldn't conceive again. However, I now believe that it couldn't possibly have worked out any better, and I feel really grateful.

AlexaShutUp lol love your username.

Well to me I would love 4! I love babies but the current one is such hard work and the pregnancy was really bad which is the only reason why it is stopping me. Of course siblings could hate each other as there are so many examples right now in my adult social circle and family circle where it is at a stage families have broken up because of it from jealousy to inheritance. I would hate myself and regret if we end up like that. One strange example, my DH's best friend is a twin and they fell in love with the same woman. One of the twins got married to that woman and the other twin moved to New Zealand to get over it (didn't attend the wedding) and they haven't spoken to each other for 6 years. Although they were identical twins, DH said that they were always jealous of each other since they were small as DH were close childhood friends.

DH husband really wants a second baby too as he loves being a dad and I can see that strong bond he has with DS but he just works too much and has a stressful job and won't be able to give that support I would need.