One child with SEN and worried for future with one child

[puglady2016]

I have one child with autism who we adore, he is in his early teens and I am early
40s, DH late 40s. Part of me would love another as I always saw myself with two children but I had a very hard birth and post birth with DS and this Is my second marriage . DS has two younger half siblings
At his dads.

I am now having second thoughts about having just one child and worried for DS as an only child as he goes through life and also us in terms of will we have a full family, will
We miss out on grandkids etc . We would never expect a child to care for DS as an adult but I do feel family is invaluable for companionship and I worry about DS being lonely . I would also love the chance to nurture a second child. Balanced against that is the big age gap, the fact I have issues with my neck and shoulders and am scared they will worsen with a second child making me less able to look after either baby or Ds!

Is anyone else in my situation where have one and a child with additional needs and worry about a lonely future ?

Hi puglady2016, I registered at mumsnet to answer your post. I came here through a Google search asking pretty much the very same question as your post title. I wanted to tell you that you are not alone.

Our stories are pretty similar. I am 41 going on 42, my husband is late 40ties, my only son is a little younger than yours and is also on the spectrum. He is relatively high functioning but have deficits which become more and more apparent as he grows.We have some extended family but very very small support network. I have had a lot of sleepless nights asking myself if I made a mistake not even trying to give him a sibling. Our story is complicated and includes infertility so partly the decision to only have one was not 100% mine. At the same time there are so many treatment options and I did not try to have a second child so it was to a great extent mine too....

My mum who grew up as a single child has had a chip on her shoulder all her life about this and to this day keeps talking about it which does not make it any easier on my anxiety. She says it is a different type of lonely that no other human connection can make better.

I thought I have closed the debate in my head but a friend of mine announced today she is expecting a baby at the age of 42 and I felt jealous before feeling also happy for her.... which in turn prompted the Google research into single child families and am I doing the right thing especially since my son has additional needs too.

I think an only neuro -typical child who has grown up in a loving family and has developed good social skills will be fine. But will my ASD child manage? Will he be lonely? Will other people take advantage of him when we are not around anymore? Then more questions rush through my mind as well- will I be able to give my imaginary second child and my DS a good childhood. Having a child at 40+ will most likely affect both my physical and mental health. I also have back pain and it is unlikely to get any easier. A lot of health risks are associated with being pregnant over 40... Then, provided all ges well in the first years, very few people over 55- 60 have no health issues whatsoever. Will it be very hard for a 10 year old to have a mum who is 50+ and dad who is 60 if most mums and dads are in their thirties and forties and healthy and active....

Best of luck with your decision. There are so many things to consider. Having said that, if I were in your shoes and had relatively good health and no fertility issues I probably would have been trying to make baby number 2 tonight... this could be just the hormones and the anxiety that today's news brought me but .

... you can tell the previous post was my very first post since I posted it in error before it was finished and I cannot figure out a way to edit it .

Anyway, I hope more people will respond and share their experiences. Both people who have SEN children and people who have had children late.... I continue with my research...

Hi both! I have one DS who is 4, just diagnosed with ASC, fairly high functioning but lots of sensory needs and he needs our attention. He gets funny ideas stuck in his head and one us about new being better which worries me about giving him a sibling. I'm 37 this year and DH is a year older. I was keen to have another a few years ago, but DH has always been resistant, and although the question comes into my head every now and then I am pretty sure we are complete as we are. When people announce pregnancies now, I'm happy for them and then I get the twinge, which is the other way round to a few years ago! I really don't feel like I want to start again and I don't think DS would cope well! We are a happy triangle family! I'm an only child too and I never missed having a sibling.