Reconciling with having one child

[Timeforanamechangeagain1]

I have recently had a third miscarriage and while it is my heart's desire to have another child (and my DH) and we would love our DD2.5 to have a sibling I am thinking I may have to make my peace with only one. It is not fair on my daughter to have to put up with sad mummy every couple of months and I'm not sure my DH and I can endure any more heartache and a constant cycle of hope and loss.

My DD is wonderful and I know if she is the only I ever have I will more be than lucky, but I wondered if anyone had been in this situation and how they coped.

Tbh op after secondary infertility it took me about 5 years. Made my piece when my DS was about 10. It’s been a difficult and often unsupported journey, with the ‘well you have one don’t you’ line being used all the time.
My saving grace was meeting a friend who was also experiencing secondary infertility- it was a relief to be able to talk to someone who got it.
I find the joy of having one now, we get to go to amazing places, my sons future is more secure, we get to give him all of attention and as he grows we get more time together as a couple.

Thank you, I know it will take time...I wouldn't wish the time away but I know when our DD is 10 for eg, it will seem more like a memory than constant pain. It's very raw at the moment, I never thought I'd be contemplating this because of my three miscarriages

Hi OP,
Do you really have to give up on another child? Could you pause things for a bit?

I'm 41, turing 42 in a few months. I have a 5 year old. We have been trying for number two as soon as my period returned after having our first. I have had three losses, my last miscarriage was a month ago. I am also now finding it difficult to get pregnant. I have done everything I could to have another child but everything seems to always go against me, I am now thinking this could be it, just the one child and those are Gods plan. Initially it was very raw and painful but now not as much.
My child is now five and her personality is shining through, she is a very loving, affectionate child and good fun. Because I get so much from her, it doesn't feel so bad if she is an only child. We as a family have lots to look forward to. I took bit of a career break to raise my child, once I return and find some time to focus and invest in myself I think things will get easier as I will be spending less time focusing on what I don't have.

I hope that helps.

Thank you @Extrahotcoffee I forgot to mention I am 40. We had some fertility issues resolved which resulted in our DD (after trying for quite a long time) and I have gone from not conceiving at all, to three miscarriages in six months. I've spoken with the consultant who treated me who said given my age and the fact I have a child already it's very likely that it's the quality of my eggs due to my age. Taking some time off etc is only going to make that situation worse, and I run the risk that when we try again we miscarry again (becuase I am older and my eggs are that bit worse quality)

Hi. Im currently going through this. ivf for our first child. Second baby lost at 26 weeks due to rare chromosome disorder. Just had ivf again and a miscarriage at 10 wks. I am 39 and don't think I can bear to do it again, I worry there would be something wrong with another child and my partner does not want to try again.

How do people get past it and come to terms with it?

The thought of getting rid of all the baby stuff, and clothes I've been saving just devastates me.

I feel like i'm in the same boat.
I have one DC preschool age, have sadly had two mid pregnancy losses either side, both due to the same rare major congenital abnormality. Have since found out through genetic testing that I am a carrier and we have 1 in 4 chance of same condition again in subsequent pregnancy. Losing the 2nd baby last year was devastating and I couldn't go through it again. It was like groundhog day with all the antenatal tests, fetal medicine appointments, procedures etc. Plus as I'm a realist and anxious in general, I can't ignore all the "normal" pregnancy risks of miscarriage, etc etc. Never had a problem conceiving with these 3 pregnancies, however I am late 30s now. Husband has ruled out another baby, but I can't let it go. Half the time I can see the bonuses and practical benefits of having an only child and I love her so much, but the other half of me can't accept it. I think to myself that 75% chance of a healthy baby is reasonable odds, but the risk and trauma of losing another is too painful to contemplate.I'm trying to work through it in my head, it feels like a form of grief- i'm fine most of the time, but then something will trigger me and I'll feel depressed and sad for a few days. I get mad when I see people nonchalantly planning ideal age gaps between their future kids- I know this is my issue and not theirs, but it's difficult to manage my thoughts and not say anything.
On a practical note I can't bring myself to get rid of baby things, clothes and pushchairs etc are filling up the loft!
And on another practical thing, can't bring myself to take the pill everyday as it's a daily reminder - need to change/make a plan for contraception!
Anyone who has gone through this how did you move on/cope? Is it like grief when it takes a long time to accept ? I try to focus on being grateful for my DC, but I can't pretend I song long for another baby.

@Iris27 I really don't know. We've just moved so we had to make an active choice to keep things (rather than just pretending they are not in the loft or whatever). Part of me is like if I get rid of it law of sod I'll need it, but I just don't know when to make that decision. I'm so sorry for your losses

I was pregnant twice (both boys) after DD which I had to end at 13 weeks due to a genetic serious chromosomal abnormality then found out I have a 50/50 of any future baby having this -my DD us unaffected. We wanted a second baby since we started trying in October 2017 apart from these two losses we had nothing in between we have since had our rainbow baby but the age gap is almost 5 years - you need to give yourself time to grieve before deciding if you want to try again - I felt like due to the odds being 1/2 which is also 2/4 it made sense to try a 4th time think this would have been my last attempt! I did warn my DD that we may not be able to have another baby after I'd lost two and she started asking for a sibling! I also have PCOS!