Head says one child but heart hasn't caught up yet

[Itsnotlikemilkingacow]

I have one DC who is 18 months old. For many different reasons, it is best for our family that we have no more, so he will be an only child.

It took three years and some fertility treatment/intervention (not ivf) for me to get pregnant, I am no spring chicken (late 30s), practically it wouldn't be easy to have another in terms of house size, jobs, financial stuff. And that's before you even start to think about the horrible pandemic situation, the uncertainty about the future and how difficult it must be to deal with being pregnant at the moment.

DH feels so strongly that we should not have another that he has got a referral for a vasectomy to completely rule out any miracle accidents (although no idea when he will get an appt, I think they are on hold at the moment).

I know that we will not have another child, the option is completely off the table. My head has rationally accepted this.

But. My heart longs for another and I feel so sad. What can I do to get my heart to catch up with my head?

No advice from me but when I was 37 I became very broody for a while. It didn't last and I'm glad I did not act upon it, we were fine as we were with an eight year old at that time and so we continued with no regrets. I think it is quite normal to occasionally want to have another child, our bodies are programmed to do so but all other issues have to be fairly well in place too. Having a child is more than just wanting one and you have one, the great gift imaginable to some people.

Your heart probably needs time to process what you had planned vs what actually happened. It's ok to be sad, in fact it's probably healthy to mourn in a way. Bottling it up will only help in the short term and you don't want to end up resenting the vasectomy. Obviously it's not the time but maybe some talking therapy would help so you can get all of your feelings out and acknowledged. Best wishes.

Ultimately it is sort of irrelevant how you feel about it if your DH is that certain. If both don’t want a baby, the person who doesn’t want one wins. It’s then up to you to decide if you want another enough to walk away and find someone else to have one with. I don’t get that vibe at all from your OP. I guess the question is are you likely to resent this down the line?

As an aside, practicalities like the ones you’re talking about can usually be overcome if both people (and I stress both) want another child enough. I’m not advocating irresponsible conception by any means but your DC is very young and the vasectomy is a big step. Totally your husbands right to do it but if you’re not fully on board there could be problems down the line. I would suggest considering some counselling as a couple to come to terms with everything.

Thanks everyone

I do absolutely know how lucky I am to have one DC when many have to face infertility. And yes, the fact that DH does not want any more means its ultimately irrelevant how I feel, that's why I said the option was completely off the table. Thinking about the practical stuff is perhaps a way of seeing his point and his reasoning.

There is no question of me walking away, I love DH and we have a good relationship, and he is genuinely a brilliant father. Theres no way I would break up the family and disrupt DS for the vague possibility that I might meet someone else and the very tiny possibility I could even get pregnant again.

I guess I am just trying to process the situation and my feelings about it, counselling might be a good shout.

I also wonder whether I will actually feel better about it when the vasectomy is actually done, then that's a door shut without any option of thinking about 'what if'.

I agree it might be easier once the vasectomy is done. Then you’ll be able to get on with the next phase rather than thinking of the what ifs. It might be a relief in some ways

@Itsnotlikemilkingacow.. i'm 48 with a 6 yr old DS. We both fully intended on having another but so many bad things happened that it couldn't happen and now i feel like i'm mourning the fact DS will be an only. I wish above anything we could turn back the clock 10 years. We had a window of about 4 years and it never happened.
There are many great things about having one which it's really important to focus on. This page is always really helpful as there are load of others in the same situation.
I hope you find some peace. Best wishes x

Your baby is only 18months even at late 30s I wouldn’t be happy if my hubby had the snip. Lots of women decide to have another child a couple of years down the line or when things gets easier and your child will start school. It’s a major decision.