DD HATES having no siblings :-(

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Age 5. Just. Doing really well at school. Thriving. Plenty of friends and out-of-school activities.

It comes to Friday and she nags and moans and moans and nags about wishing she had a sibling to play with over the weekend.

When she’s not banging on about that, she’s forever whining that she would rather be with her friends than us

I get it. I genuinely do.

But we tried for 19 years to conceive her and I’m seriously ill (PIP) and we’re financially broke because of it so having a second isn’t an option. I struggle physically.

It’s the friend issue...it’s relentless. At school pick-up she wants someone to come home. After a club, she wants someone to come home....

It’s not doing my ego any good and it’s exhausting!

I’m also ‘Slow Mummy’ which doesn’t help and some days I just cry because this isn’t what I wanted and she doesn’t deserve it.

Any ideas as to how we get over this ‘friends’ thing please?

I organise what I can but obviously can’t arrange something everything weekend & that’s what she doesn’t understand.

I was like this at that age! My poor Mum had a string of miscarriages and all I banged on about was a baby sister it’s just something you stop yearning for eventually and now I’m older being an only child is the best thing ever!

I had this with my only dd - it was relentless! I didn’t have her til I was 38 so a second was never on the cards. Yes it was exactly the same - from the moment she left school in the afternoon she was asking who could come and play.

I had to become a mum who was happy to invite a friend over as often and for as long as I could. As an introvert I found it hard to ask the mums when/if their child wanted to come for a play date/sleepover. But gradually became aware that most mothers with more than one childare happy to have their child invited over. Just don’t wait for the reciprocal invite before you invite their child again - just keep inviting each and every child your dd likes over and over again. And offer to pick up and drop off if necessary, and invite on days out. I was able to do this as I didn’t work, was ok for money and had access to a car. But we lived in the countryside and we had no family nearby.

It gets easier as they get older but age 5 - 7 was about the hardest. After this they either can amuse themselves easier, or they sort of ask their friends to play dates themselves.

Just be the sort of mum who always says yes.

She’s 23 now, and announced last weekend that when she and her boyfriend most likely marry - she’s only going to have one child!

My DS has never seriously wanted a sibling but I do get the relentlessness of always having to come up with things at weekends so they can play! I used to go to soft play and hope he would find some other kids to play with, he usually did. Do you know any parents of her friends yet? Some
parents might not be keen for friends to come to you and play without them yet but by the next school year they will be more than keen for you to take their kids for a couple of hours at the weekend so just arrange lots of those play dates!

At 5 she's old enough to understand that babies come from mummy's tummy and that her mummy has a poorly tummy that can't make any more babies. She won't be fully empathetic at age 5 but she should become so with time and stop asking.

maybe get a puppy dog, if it is an option at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

A Puppy isn't a great idea for a mum who is seriously ill

I was an only. We had a ddog from when I was 2. Consider one op. Not all dogs needs massive walks if you would find that difficult..
My ddog made it through my teenage years. And in actual fact until we were both nearly 21!

A cat is a good idea, much less work than a dog but a great companion. My cat was my best friend growing up.

Ok, maybe I'm a little sad--

What she wants is a ready made playmate, she probably wouldn’t be remotely interested in a tiny baby.

She’s got an unrealistic fantasy of what having a sibling is like. Most siblings fight at least some of the time, sometimes really, really badly. I think your history is making you feel that you’ve something to feel guilty about. But you don’t. There are advantages to being an only and you need to stop supporting her constructed narrative. Be brisk, don’t indulge the moaning, don’t feel guilty. I know many happy only children who enjoy having their parents to themselves at weekends.

I bet quite a few of her friends moan that they have a sibling! In all fairness even if she had a sibling she may moan that she wanted a friend to come home and play.

Maybe we have been very lucky but DS is an only child and we have never had this, he is quite happy to amuse himself or play with us. We did get a dog when he was slightly older than your DD so he does have a playmate of sorts.

Remind her that a sibling might well: be horrible to her, take her toys, break her toys, take everyone's love/affection/attention away from her.

Maybe she likes the structure of school. Get her a calendar, make plans for the evenings and weekends and mark them on her calendar. Make preparing part of the fun so she's involved in the "where shall we go?"; "what shall we do?"; "what shall we put in our picnic?". Get her to help with the shopping and making of the picnic. It can take days to prepare for an afternoon out if you get her involved!

These replies are interesting!

We have a dog and she “loves” him so much that he disappears into his own space when she gets in from school!!

She’s fully aware there won’t be a sibling and we constantly read all the age-appropriate books about it. It’s an ‘open door’ policy and a subject that will never be dismissed.

We live 8 doors down from school so we constantly have friends knocking for us on the walk to & from with her friends. She went to the pre-school within the school so we know everyone already.

The ironic thing is I’m actually NC with my sibling because of the appalling way he treated me & my parents for years. They still see him but I’ve specifically told them to never mention his name to DD.

He is toxic, I wasn’t allowed a relationship with his children/her cousins (my Godchildren) yet he still sends her gifts via my parents. I feel so angry that he has taken that from her.

She willingly plays independently just as much as she likes to do baking with me and dog walking with Daddy but this ‘I WANT MY FRIENDS HERE’ every day, especially weekends is so draining.

Whenever I ask her what she’d like to do it’s the same response & it’s the first thing she asks in the morning and last thing in bed at night.

“Who am I seeing tomorrow?” Aaaarrrggghhhh!!!! She’s just a social butterfly. Which is great.....but so hard.

It’s so challenging getting her to understand other families have their own plans that don’t involve her!!

Reading books about not having a sibling surely makes this worse and draws attention to it? Lots of dc are only children, lots of dc have a sibling that isn't close enough in age to actually play with. It's probably about 50/50 surely? She needs to get on with and accept her life rather than you all yearning for something that will never happen.

I may be off the mark but reading your thread it sounds to me like you feel guilt/ obviously would have wanted more than one. She's picking up on that and something that shouldn't be a problem is becoming one.

And if she's a social butterfly she'll play easily with children she's just met so take her out lots, get an annual pass for a soft play centre for the winter/ when the weather is bad.

My 6 year old daughter would love a sibling and isn't an only but choice have struggled to conceive and had two miscarriages over last three years.
Maybe sign her up to a class or club on a weekend to keep her occupied mine goes to dancing on Saturday and Sunday school.

My DD 6 got a baby sister. We brought her home from hospital. She asked 'can she come outside and Olay?' I said 'not yet she's only a baby'. She was disappointed from that day on and they have only started getting on better now DD is 20 and her sister is 14! So I really wouldn't worry. Just buy a pet instead.

Just to clarify the books are about how we used the ivf and donor procedure, not about being anything else. Sorry, that thought didn’t occur to me.

She has 2 sports activities a week already and a hobby after school, which is why this is utterly exhausting.

When she goes to softplay, her immediate question is about who she’s meeting there 🤦🏻‍♀️

I have a sibling and often thought I’d be happier without one at that age.

There's a book called Parenting your only child which might be worth a look - sounds like you're doing a lot of what it recommends but there may be some angles you've not thought of. It definitely helped me with the guilt too!

I think this is more your DD’s character rather than being an only, she wants to play with friends, not necessarily a sibling.

I have a DB. When I was a child all I wanted to do was sit in a corner and read a book. My DB hated reading and wanted to be outside doing stuff with someone. We were rubbish playmates for each other.

I replied further up the page and your other postings sound so like my daughter! It is relentless and exhausting - I used to think an identical twin would have been the only way to meet her needs!

What I do know about my daughter now she is grown up is that she is forever planning. I think she has an almost insatiable need to know what is around the corner. She has just moved into a tiny house she loves but has shown me pictures of her next house. She plans anything and everything!

At her current age perhaps playing is her “go to” idea to satisfy this need of knowing what’s next - kellyhalls suggestions of a calendar and timetable sound like something I wish I’d done more of. The void of not knowing what’s planned for the immediate. future needs to be filled.

My daughter is now absolutely delightful! She is all I could wish. She is also very self motivated, organised, practical, driven and just a tiny bit controlling!

When DD, now 9, was about her age, we heard a lot about her desire for a sibling. Funny thing though, whenever she'd go to play at the house of a friend who had a younger sibling, she'd get annoyed that this other child took up so much time and attention. And if another child ever monopolised any of my or her mother's attention, forget about it.
I think what she really wanted was the fun, idealised relationship she saw in some cartoons and other TV shows. Now several years later, I cannot remember the last time we heard anything about the desire for a sibling. (But we still hear about how "annoying" little siblings are at friends' houses.)

Not sure this will help but I come from a big family. I was the youngest with a big age gap and my house was always full and chaotic. Everyone thinks it was great but looking back I was ignored a lot. I played with my brother but I was like your daughter in terms of friends.
I never wanted to be at home, I always wanted to be at a friend’s playing. I am foreign and it was the norm to walk from school to a friend’s house everyday to play.
Weekends were mostly family time until I was maybe 10.
I always wanted to be with friends. My mum hated it but she was busy and I was allowed to.
I just liked to be with others all the time
Odd because now I like being on my own.

I know it's hard, but you have to not let it get to you so much.

I also have an only child. I've probably over compensated somewhat and they have such a busy life, after school clubs, play dates, seeing cousins and other family, trips out, time at home with us etc.

They went through a phase of saying they were lonely and wanted a baby and how they had nobody to play with (total bollocks!) and I used to feel so guilty. Now, I see that it was just their demands for constant entertainment, which is ridiculous. Nobody can have that, siblings or not!

Your child sounds demanding. Mine is too. Even if she had a sibling, that still wouldn't be enough!

Can you sign her up for after school clubs on weeknights, or just the kind of wraparound care clubs lots of schools have for working parents? Then the extrovert gets company without you having to entertain kids at your house. A weekend play date on a Saturday afternoon, 2-6 with a film & popcorn at 4 then tea at 5.30 might be worth your while if she is a child that ‘needs’ company & interaction.