10 year old doesn't enjoy it at ours anymore

[Namechangerextraordinaire1]

Maybe my title is a bit melodramatic, but here goes.

I have a 10 year old daughter and her dad and I split up when she was a year old. I met my DF when she was 3 and we have been ttc for over 4 years now, currently in the middle of cycle 1 of ivf (well they froze all blastocysts as I was at high risk of complications, so we are waiting to transfer them). It's a one child family here, but her dad has an older daughter and DD now has 5 step siblings too. All in all, she has 3 siblings living at her dad's full time.
She has increasingly been asking to spend more time with her dad because she is bored at ours. We dont have tons of money so we dont go out too often, and we don't have any of her friends living nearby to make meet ups with them easy. Part of why she wants to go to her dads is because he lives close to her friends too, so they can just nip in and out of each others houses. We live a 10/15 minute drive away from them and it's not a walkable route either.
I just don't know what else to do with her. It's only very recent, and I actually think a lot of it is to do with spending time with friends rather than anything we are doing/not doing. She is moving up to secondary school in a year and will be attending a school nearer to where we live so will hopefully make more local friends. Also we do hope to have a sibling for her soon but of course with ivf that isn't guaranteed! But in the meantime, I just feel a bit useless and hurt. Even if I offer to do things with her she often refuses - I think the pre teens are definitely upon us and I'm no longer cool.

I'm just really finding it difficult and wondered if anyone else had been through similar? Im hoping to make meetups with friends more regular for her, but I can't help but feel a bit hurt and sad. Is this normal?! Some of it may naturally be her age too, especially the not wanting to do so much with me, but I just can't help feeling useless. Looking to see if anyone else has experienced similar?

Have you been very distracted by IVF (and I hope that's successful for you) so that she feels she has more attention at her dad's?

IVF can become all-consuming. To be blunt, I went through IVF too and more cycles than you over many years (with a lot of problems) and I never let a drive stop me from taking my DN (she lived with us for many years) to her friends, or IVF from stopping me showing her a good time. If you aren’t coping then use the counselling service associated with the clinic - they will give you strategies to help provide attention to your existing kids. I had my referral automatically because dn was classed in the same vein as a cared for child (due to to SS involvement) but you can ask for it.

Ah, I'm sorry, OP.

What is she into? I think perhaps at this age if you ASK them what they'd like to do with you they might not, but if you present them with a plan of something you know they'll enjoy they'll go along with it and have fun.

Also, can you plan more playdates at your house with her friends? Sleepovers etc.? I know that doesn't fix the emotional side of things for her wanting to spend time with you, but it fixes the wanting to be somewhere else...

Allow her to plan a day out to bring a friend on, and you'll take them?

Can you invite any of her friends for sleepovers? Or could you do a movie night /afternoon with her on weekends that can be 'your' time?

Thank you for the replies. I am planning on more sleepovers and her doing more with her friends so hopefully that will at least help her with her loneliness. Just wondered if it was a stage they go through maybe.

I like the idea of planning something with friends too, so will definitely look into that for over the summer.

@Teddybear45 thank you for your input too but I have to say I find it quite rude that you have jumped to a conclusion that I am not coping and not paying any attention to my child. I'm sure you cannot have meant it that way based on my post, but whilst I have of course been a little distracted from it, I can assure you I have not let it affect anything. We had 2 of her friends for a sleepover on the day we took the trigger shot, when I couldn't have been more uncomfortable or hormonal from all the drugs but we still went to the park, for a long walk and out for a meal (and obviously got very little sleep!). As I said, Im sure you meant nothing by it but you do seem to have jumped to an entirely incorrect conclusion and that I'm not coping?! I have had counselling before for the emotional side of ivf and I found it useful, should I feel the need again i will certainly revisit it.

Also, as for more attention at her dad's she has often told me that she prefers it here because she gets more attention from me. I will be making more effort to ensure she sees friends more regularly though, although it is more difficult than them simply being able to walk to each other, of course it's not impossible. Just needs more logistics lol.

Does sound as though it's not common though so at least I know she needs more support

Even with the IVF (and I hope it’s successful for you) I don’t think having a sibling 11 years younger than she is is going to suddenly make life more fun for her.

I think around this age they are moving away from the family unit and towards their friends - so yes, it is a stage and a natural one.

You need to keep finding ways to keep the relationship close, though, especially as you are TTC and so hopefully will have another baby to focus on as well. You need to learn not to take it personally and roll with it, I guess.

@PotteringAlong of course. They won't be playmates or anything, I understand. I do however think she would love it and enjoy having a sibling still. Thank you for the good wishes (and @HollowTalk too)
@NoSquirrels that is also a fair point, if we do have a baby we will need to ensure she doesn't feel left out. It's something DF and I have already discussed and so hopefully we have some ideas for that already! Tbh I did think it was more likely a natural phase at her age but with the other replies it seems perhaps not so much

Hmmm, from the comments (OP and all the answers) I gather that no one actually considers letting her stay more at her Dad's. Why?

I have a similar age gap between myself and my oldest sibling and we have alwaysbhad a great relationship. But of course a screaming newborn will not be much fun for her, especially when it means my attention will naturally be divided. But that's the case for every sibling ever.
We are just going out now and will pick up some bits for a girls night in, I know she enjoys that.

@SmartPlay she does stay at her dads 2 or 3 nights a week, and I have in the past said she can go there on "my" days. However, as I work full time I only really get to spend time with her at the weekend (which we alternate) and so don't particularly want her going to his every weekend.

He also picks her up from school twice a week, so she does spend plenty of time there already

Maybe look at totally 50/50 so 3 nights one week four the next? There is naturally a pull towards one house more than the other, even with starting a new school closer to yours her friends could all be in between? And she would still have her friends from her old school too.
It’s a hard age and I think you’ve got to think of it as it’s not to do with not wanting to spend time with you but she is just asserting some independence where so can as everything else has previously been decided for her.

If she stays there 2 or 3 nights a week, she still spends more than half of the nights (and I assume days) at yours. So I still don't understand why she can't be more at her Dad's, if she is happier there.

IVe a similar aged only DD and I really make an effort to make life colorful and fun.
I genuinely really enjoy her company and her mine but it does take effort- getting into things together -hobbies, activities, box sets, video games etc. Things that are “ours” and that bond us.

Can you not let her have friends after school for tea? When my DC were that age they had loads of friends round for tea, some of them were picked up by car. Indeed I'd often pick DC up from friends houses by car.

There was a massive gap between me and sibling, it was a massive deal to my mum to have friends round for tea, I used to virtually live round friends houses where there mum's were more easy going.

Phone and snapchat?

Any reason why you can’t accommodate her request to be at her dad;s more ?
Could you do 50:50?

You need to let her go to her dad's more or facilitate her going to her friends. When you have a one child family, you need to provide opportunities for your child to socialise.

@Namechangerextraordinaire1 having been through IVF three times myself there is absolutely no way it could not impact upon your relationship with your daughter- that is not a criticism at all , but I think the first step is in acknowledging that potential.

The psychological impact of going through hurdle after hurdle, the hormones , the physical discomfort absolutely do impact on relationships.

I appreciate all the responses and of course you only have my comments to go by and I havent written our entire life story so appreciate many questions.
Re 50/50 we have done it before and dd didn't like it. Also, with the time she spends with her dad before and after school it is more or less 55/45 in terms of time spent together. Im also looking to imrprove the time she spends with me rather than anything else. But point has been considered manu times and trialled over the past 9 years.
Its also worth noting that she does this only on saturdays its not like she is begging me every time we spend time together to go to her dads or see friends. She has a full after school calendar seeing friends in activities etc.
I will certainly look into more things we can bond over together though.

I think with it being the summer there’s an opportunity to try a bit more flexibility with where she spends her time. Maybe she’s could go to her dad for longer stretches and then she’ll get all her sibling/friend fun and maybe start longing to come back to yours as she will miss you. Also if she’s is going to secondary school next year her existing friendships might fade away so I would want her to have this last summer/year getting to spend lots of time with them.

@IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls perhaps it has subconsciously point taken. More that it hasnt had a huge negative impact. As i said. This happens ONLY on Saturdays and ONLY after she has spoken to friends. The rest of the time she enjoys being with us and is more than happy. I asked for advice and I appreciate the comments but don't believe much of it is relevant. That being said, I appreciate the comments and will take on board the useful and not so much the irrelevant but thanks for all the views and opinions

If it's only on Saturdays, you could just change you weekend arrangements so that she's at her Dad's on Saturdays and with you on Sundays. Is Saturday the day on which her friends get together the most?