Heartbroken at selling baby things

[MsPacman]

I am very lucky to finally have one longed-for and very much appreciated DC and I try so hard to focus on this but we have little space and need to sell the pram and the Moses basket and all the little baby things that I love.

I know it's stupid and I have a fantastic toddler but it just feels so final that I won't be having another baby and it's breaking my heart.

Everyone seems to have two, three or more and I'm surrounded by bumps, going to toddler groups, there is no escape. I'm so envious and I hate myself for it.

Any advice to help me snap out of it and stop mourning the bigger family I dreamt of please?

Is this a joint decision to only have one, or is it something beyond your control?

Beyond my control, sadly. I keep trying to tell myself that it's for the best and I should be happy with one but it hurts.

I was very lucky to have successful ICSI but for a lot of complicated reasons, it won't be happening again.

I worry that DS will resent us for being alone and have no one when we are old/dead.

Again, I'm being silly, I need a virtual slap. Plenty of people are only children and fine, my logical brain knows this.

I've got a post on this board about having an only because of multiple miscarriages and not wanting to endure any more loss. I saw a quote that helped: ’Sometimes you have to let go of the picture you thought your life would be like and find joy in the story you're actually living’. I reread it when I'm feeling negative about my situation and it helps remind me to find joy in what I have and that makes me feel more positive. I haven't sold my baby stuff yet. My last miscarriage was just last week so I'm going to leave it a bit but I found a website that makes patchwork blankets out of baby clothes and also stuffed toys. I'm going to use he money from selling baby stuff to get a blanket and stuffed toy so I have a lovely keepsake of when lo was a baby. Maybe you could do something nice with the money too? Put it towards a special day out with your lo or a keepsake item?

Also there are lots of positive to have an only child, more one-on-one time with them, more money, more time as a couple etc... And I'm determined to take advantage of all of them so we’re going to book a holiday and plan lots of nice things to enjoy over the summer. Today we got an inflatable hot tub with the money i’d put aside for maternity leave. My lo will love splashing about with me in the summer and it’s made me feel good doing it because it's part of finding the joy in the story we’re living.

Selling baby things is so hard even when you feel 'done', you're having to be extra brave and shouldn't feel bad at all.

My friend had a stillbirth and complications that mean she'd have no more children and couldn't bear to sell things. Instead she donated them to a local 'baby bank' that lends items to families with limited resources and new babies arriving, including a lot of refugee families, young single mothers, and women arriving in the local refuge with nothing but the clothes on their back. Nice to know your carefully chosen items will be very valued and used again and again, and also saves you the pain of going through them all and sending them off.

Would that work for you? Or if not, can you set aside money from them for a really special day for you and ds? (The zoo? A farm stay?)

@Aria2015 and @Stuckforthefourthtime , thank you so much for taking the time to reply with your kind words, it meant a lot.

I can't talk to DH about it as he just says it hurts him too as he wanted more children but we don't have space to keep things and that's that.

Same as when I try to talk about miscarriages and how old our children would have been now, all I get is, "No point thinking about that though is there."

We are donating most of our things but will try to sell the travel system as we are struggling for money and it would be nice to treat DS to a day out and try to appreciate not having a screaming baby demanding all our attention That's a great idea.

I do need to grieve for the life I thought I'd have, can't say much as it's very outing but apart from DS, it's pretty much all a pile of shite.

I longed for a second but am at the grieving/learning to accept stage. (After icsi IVF too).

Just wanted to say that I find feeling surrounded by mums of two/more/pregnant with another at baby groups and that I know incredibly difficult too. I thought I was getting less sensitive and then a new wave of them from people close to me came along. I don't think us hurting over this is illogical or silly. I do feel like I have to try and suppress it when I talk to them though so I know it can feel like our feelings are invalid. But like you said we are "grieving" and it's a gradual process and a complex one. I don't think you should have to snap out of it. Be gentle with yourself.

Facebook groups for parents of only children were mentioned on Aria's thread and I've found those helpful for seeing I'm not alone in some of my feelings and reassurance on some of the worries. They also post about positive aspects, like things we can do much more easily with one child, benefits etc, which helps a bit. It makes me feel like I've got support when in RL I hardly know anyone with just one child, for some reason!

@Aria2015.. i really liked your msg about finding joy in the story we're living.
It's exactly what I'm trying to do. We have one DC who is so precious and as I was nearly 41 when we had him we haven't been able to conceive again. It wasn't just age tbh but circumstances didn't allow it. I feel awful and guilty for not trying harder sooner. But DS is a happy child and is set against a baby in the house which makes it easier. But then I think he would make a great big bro and it pains me that he won't be one.
I held on to all the baby clothes for years then last year I sold some at the NCT sale and donated the rest. It was difficult but it helped that other families would use them. I held on to some special items like baby grows and booties.
I know how you feel when you see babies everywhere. I held a 5 month old yesterday and had to escape to go and cry! It is def harder the older I get. It is like mourning but I'm trying to be strong. Hope you feel better about it soon OP x

We are here too. I'm finding it hard as is DH but we have to look at the positives we can offer our son this way. It is horrible looking at the baby things and selling feels so final.
Look up Welcome to Holland, it helped me think differently. Can't claim to be totally ok but I will be.

@Fizzy13.. thanks for the tip. I'll look it up. Yes it def feels so final. I held on to alot of special things I can't bear to get rid of. I truly hope DS doesn't feel lonely in the future. It's harder than ever atm as I see babies everywhere and everyone seems to have two or more kids. I also know that there are alot out there with just one. We'll be ok. Hope you are your DH work thru it too. Hugs x

You aren't alone OP. It took me 9 months to look at DS' old clothes without sobbing. He's 21m and I was forced to clear out baby stuff due to a house move to a smaller place. I remember when I bought the next to me crib the lady I bought it from cried as she said selling it meant she knew she was done, and she had three children. I think it can make anyone feel sad to know they are done.

Like many here I wanted two, but serious health problems after DS means it's 99% likely he'll be an only. He's adorable and we are trying to make the best of our situation and embrace the joys.

It's really hard, isn't it? I still have baby stuff in cupboards around the house and my only is 3 now. He is more than enough, and I know another isn't going to be possible, but at the same time I find myself silently hurting each time someone else announces a pregnancy. It's definitely grieving for an imagined life, and I guess it just needs to be processed. I keep thinking of all the things I've already forgotten about those early days, and all the things I would want to do differently/the same if it happened again, but it won't, and there's no benefit from going over and over the might-have-beens.

Can you do something nice with your son every time you sell/clear out one of his baby things? That way you can celebrate him whilst also mourning the other life in which things could have been different.

I so understand your feelings. I have just one child, despite always dreaming and hoping of more. I am incredibly lucky to have him and it’s been a tough journey. I couldn’t get rid of any clothes, equipment, washable nappies, toys etc for several years. Desperately clinging on to the slim hope that I might be able to have a second child. Once circumstances were set that I was sure there would be no further pregnancies, it still was too painful and sad to part with them. Various reasons- emotional memories of my child as a baby, grief for the larger family I’d hoped to have.

I didn’t want to accept ‘this was it’ and I didn’t want to endure car boot sales/fb selling/ eBay to make a few pounds. The emotional cost was greater. However I did eventually manage to part with things. A friend was working in Romania with babies and small children, shipments were being sent over to her and I could gift many clothes, slings, etc to these children through her. These babies were in desperate need and that need trumped my need to cling on to them. It felt ok to let go of them, knowing those shoes and socks were going to keep a small child’s feet out of the snow. My child’s newborn snowsuit that was just so tiny, cute and full of memories sitting in the attic was getting a new purpose. It could help keep a newborn baby warm, safe and healthy- in a family that was existing in dire poverty, sleeping in a shack with broken glass windows, no heating or running water. My friend was distributing these items so I knew they were really needed and would make a true difference to these families’ lives.

Picturing a baby with inadequate clothing, numb hands and feet, children trudging miles through snow in bare feet or sandals without coats gave me the push I needed to let my child’s outgrown items go. With them went the hopes of another baby, but I was now at peace with that.

@CookiesAreForEatingNotStoring...thank you for sharing your story. Like pp's here I'm sorry you couldn't have another. That's a really great idea to donate the clothes to Romania and so heart warming. I so wish i had done the same. I did a couple of NCT sales and what I didn't sell I donated to local causes. There's just a couple of bags of stuff I just can't get rid of..DS's first sleep suits and booties, etc.. they're too precious.

Do you have to sell or could you donate to someone in need? I found it hard to let go of baby clothes but what made it easier was donating to a refugee centre, when I dropped my donations off it was snowing and most of the people queuing up dudbt have adequate clothing or footwear. I was not about to sit looking at a load of outgrown clothes that could keep somebody else's baby warm and comfortable.

I am so glad I found this forum again. I really belong here. I had 3 miscarriages in less than 2 years. I will be 41 this summer and second child just not happening for us :( last miscarriage was only 10 days ago.
I can’t get rid of any of the baby clothes and the cot :(
My husband said no more to trying and I think also for the best but how to move on ...

There was a lady on the radio recently who was appealing for clothes to send to a refugee camp so I'm going to look into doing this next time. Wish I'd done it before but never too late as DS constantly grows out of stuff!

Hi Lighthouse, it's me again ..Yeah I get the feeling I belong here too..we're amongst friends! I used to go on netmums and mumsnet and have ended up here and not there. It was just better somehow.
I know..I don't know how to move on. I don't think I ever will at this rate!

Hello ladies...just wanted to send lots of hugs and love ❤️

I'm not sure whether we're done trying yet (I'll be 42 next month) but the possibility of having one child and no more does loom large in my future.

I was (am!) am only child and I can honestly say that overall I've suffered no detriment that I know of - in fact, I used to be horrified at the way siblings would invade each others space and argue..I loved coming home to my sanctuary with mum and dad!

There was the inevitable patch when I was a child where I desperately wanted a sibling - I remember starting school and drawing my family, complete with non-existent brother and non-existent dog! A girl living on my road peered over and said 'that's not her family..,she hasn't got a brother '. I've been terrified that DD might feel the same but ultimately, if she does, I will be there to support her with it. I've also decided to broach the topic very differently to how my folks did - they would both cry and get angry at me for asking for a sibling (clearly there were issues but a small child wouldn't know that) so I felt even more awful. I don't know exactly, but I will never want to put DD through that.

The good thing is that by the time I started to build up a social circle of friends, I no longer cared or even had time to think about having siblings - I had my own network and never looked back. Mum was ill for several years and passed away last year and some people said 'is it harder to cope being an only'. I don't think so, not in my experience. It's heartbreaking and I had to do a lot more by myself but I'm used to my little family unit and us all pulling together to get done what needs to be.

I've met many more only children in recent years and we've all been fine (!) plus being in a one-child family seems much more common these days than it was. I know that doesn't help 100% but I'll take whatever positives I can find...and there are a lot of them ❤️

Sorry, this turned into a massive ramble Oh, btw - my mum kept a small suitcase of my early clothes and I love looking at them every now and then so don't feel you have to get rid of everything. I love the idea of having a memory blanket made too!

Xx

@karryk.. that's a really lovely msg..thanks for posting. It's good to hear your story and experiences of being an only and I'm relieved it turned out ok for you. I have a half brother and we rarely see each other and have little in common. My family fostered when i was v young and I was resentful of my space being taken by strangers. The kids we fostered were from really bad families as well and i hated life at home and vowed i'd never have kids.
I eventually had one DC, our beloved DS who's five, and I realise how wonderful having a child is which I never experienced before. I can't have another, circumstances did not allow, but we are blessed and you are right there are so many positives

I'm mum of an only who is now 15. For various reasons we decided to stop at one, but he was 6 before I could let any of his baby stuff go. You need to allow yourself to grieve but it is ok to let things go. I finally discovered that they are just things, sell them give them away and use any money to buy new stuff or know that stuff you have given away is bringing joy to some one else. I actually kept a couple off really special items in a memory box, first shoes, coming home from hospital outfit, and his blanket.
As for your only being lonely, they really won't be, they will have their own friends and hopefully family. All my friends who are only s are ask sociable gregarious people, they have never had to compete with siblings, they all seem comfortable in their own skins because they have been surrounded by love and friendship.
Your child will be fine!

I also want to echo @karryk message

I'm an only and I'm very happy your child will be fine.

I also have an only and am pretty sure we will stick with one. It is a bit sad closing that chapter in my life though..