Lonely at bedtime?

[WhatNow40]

DS 7 has been saying for a while that it's not fair that he is by himself in bed. DH and I get to share and he's all by himself. We've never co-slept but will always allow him in our bed if he's ill (rarely) and sometimes share on holiday, depending on the setup.

He broke down in tears tonight protesting about the unfairness and how lonely he is. He has plenty of teddies and snuggly cushions. We have a cat but he does NOT want him in there with him. We let him listen to music on headphones if he can't sleep (classical, which he quite likes ) and I'm at a loss now what else to try. I felt so desperately sad for him tonight. Any ideas?

Tell him life's not fair, take the headphones off him and leave him to it.

He’s right! Adults usually choose to sleep in with another person whenever possible so why are children forced to sleep alone? Get a king-sized bed and left let him in. I bet it won’t be every night he wants to, but give the choice :)

My 5 year old says exactly the same , i just reassure him make sure his nightlight is on etc and he sleeps fine after a little moan ! I'm not willing to have him in our bed so he will just have to work through this phase !

Ah bless him. What about listening to audiobooks as he drifts off - that's sort of "company" as it's a voice, obviously, and can be nice and reassuring? We have a little Bluetooth speaker in DS' room and play it through that from the tablet. We're currently going through the Secret Sevens (for the 3rd/4th time...).

My dd went through a phase of saying this but afraid I just said that's the way it is and you need to just get on with it (or words to that effect!) - she was fine.

My dd says this, so one of us (mostly me) sit in the chair in her room until she’s asleep. Also, we try to have at least 10 mins of cuddles and chat in bed with her.

My DD begs and pleads to come in my bed. I like my king size to myself though! She probably sleeps with me 3 times a week but would be in every night if she could. She says it keeps the nightmares away.

I agree with @Kintan but I'm a softie. Most of us choose and get great comfort from bed sharing with partners but we exclude children :(

Mine went through a stage of complaining about that. Now the dog sleeps with him

I agree, I don't like sleeping alone as an adult! 4 year old ds comes in with us most nights and I'll be sad when it stops.

Oh bless him. I always felt like this as a child and even now as an adult I don't like ever sleeping alone and feel very anxious at night.

All you can do is give him plenty of reassurance, headphones were a good idea, and tell him he can come and get you if he ever needs to at any time.

Ignore the first post - what a dick!

Thanks for the replies everyone. DH thinks he was overtired tonight, hence the tears. I'm not well and feeling extra emotional and took it hard tonight.

He has audiobooks too but chooses the music more often. I've always been resistant to him sleeping in our bed, if we let him I know he would never leave! We used to take it in turns to sit in his room until he fell asleep, we changed this about 9 months ago and it has been mostly ok. Just the lonely thing. I think we'll just keep going as we are and see if things improve.

My DD has just started to say this. She's 5. I stay with her until she's asleep and she knows that whenever she wakes up she can come in our bed (or one of us will get in the spare double with her). Rarely happens, but occasionally if she has a bad dream.

Have you tried explaining to him or reminding him that mums and dads/people in relationships (however you want to explain it to him!) sleep in the same bed, but grown ups who do not live with their partners sleep in their own bed in their own bedroom, like he does? If you’ve got a single friend/relative you could use as an example “Well mummy and daddy do sleep in the same bed but Auntie Sarah sleeps in her own bed in her own bedroom”. If he’s only ever seen adults sleeping two to a bed as opposed to on their own then maybe he’s imagining that all adults get someone to share with?
I don’t know whether it would help or not but it might be worth a try!

Maybe a photo of you next to his bed might help?

Great idea! We have a single Uncle so will use that next time. Not sure on the photo. He's a very huggy tactile boy. He's being assessed for ASD Sensory Processing Disorder and has always used touch as a calming coping mechanism. That why we have soft touch pillows and textures in bed with him. I'm also very conscious he doesn't have any friends without siblings, and his best friends at school are twins. They share a room!!

As it turns out, DH has now confessed he's promised a sleepover night in our bed one weekend. I don't mind as a one-off, so long as DH doesn't disappear to the spare room for a decent nights sleep!!

Put his bed in your room. He is absolutely right - he is lonely and it isn’t fair.

@Kittykat93 - a dick? No, I'm mother to a very secure and confident only child who is now a teen. As a baby/toddler she regularly fell asleep in our bed before being moved to her own room. Never left to cry it out etc.

However, by 7 she knew her bed in her room was where she was to fall asleep. I've never indulged any "it's not fair" nonsense from her because whoever said life was fair?

She's lucky to have a comfy bed in a clean, warm room surrounded by objects/books/cuddly toys she's chosen and loves with mum and dad just a shout away.

Ok I shouldn't have used the word dick I admit.

However I thought your post sounded cold and unsympathetic. And coming from someone who as a child used to be petrified of being left alone it would have been really distressing for my mum to come in take my headphones (source of comfort) off me and told me to get on with it.

The poor kid isn't behaving like this to be naughty, he's just anxious.

Yes it's true that once in your bed he won't want to come out of it! I ebf from the very start and DS used to be in a Moses basket next to my bed then he was in a cot attached to the bed but gradually he went from that to in with me in bed. We never agreed with leaving him to cry it out in a cot in his own room so he stayed with us. I know someone who locked their toddlers in a room and left them to scream until they fell asleep on the floor by the door! I swore I'd never do that. I read Three in a Bed which is an inspiration. He's now 5 and in with me every night and DH now sleeps in his bed. But one day he won't want to and so I'm just doing what feels right now for us.

He's now 5 and in with me every night and DH now sleeps in his bed

Really??!! Oh for pete's sake put your little prince in his own room and let your DH sleep in his own bed.