Anxious over deciding whether to have baby number 2

[Humphries2018]

Hi all,
Sorry this may be a long post and all over the place so please bear with me!
I have a ds (who is great) however I’m here lying in bed getting myself all worked up and anxious over the internal battle of deciding whether I want another child.
Back story: throughout my entire pregnancy I had HG I was in hospital a few times and I really just found pregnancy so difficult it completely wiped me out, myself and ds father broke up whilst I was pregnant and to say things were hard would be an understatement. Fast forward to after ds was born I found being a parent really hard the night feeds, the sole responsibility, not knowing why ds was crying, all of it really. I didn’t really get much help from ds father either. Looking back I think I had PND it took months for me to feel like me, I went months and months not caring about my appearance in the slightest (I was just too tired) I would force myself to go out for a walk and truthfully the only reason I did was because ds would only nap if he was being pushed or driven around. Fast forward about 7-8 months ds father literally became the best father to ds overnight he started pulling his weight and really parenting ds. From there me and ds father began talking about our relationship again and trying to repair the damage, we are back together after months and months of working out if this was what was best for us and ds. I feel like I’m not ‘done’ with having more children however I recognise just how hard it was with ds and honestly I just don’t know if I could do it all again my worry is that ds was a relatively ‘easy’ baby and if I found parenting a relatively ‘easy’ baby hard how am I going to cope with a baby who perhaps isn’t as ‘easy’. In all honesty I found parenting ds a lot easier when I went back to work and x4 full days a week he was at nursery (I know it sounds terrible!) but what gives me the most anxiety really and keeps me awake at night thinking about it is: I think back to those newborn days and I really don’t know how I managed to do it and if I felt like that the second time around I seriously don’t know if I would be able to give my ds the time and attention he deserves it worries me so much, when I think that I won’t give him the time and attention and how he will feel, I would never even consider having a second child if I knew my ds felt unloved, pushed out because I just couldn’t manage to give both children the time and attention they deserve. I know this sounds silly but I feel like I was robbed of the lovely newborn stage, ds was an extremely foreword baby by 8 months he was walking and extremely independent for an 8 month baby and with everything that was going on for me personally I just existed in that day.

I’m Reading this back and thinking to myself why are you even contemplating another child but I just can’t shake the feeling that I might possibly want another child.
Has anyone been through anything similar or any helpful advice either for or against? It would be so greatly appreciated!
Sorry again if this post is all over the place I just find it so hard putting what I’m feeling into words.

I can relate to those feelings I lost my mother when my daughter was nearly 8 months old. I have a brother myself and he was brilliant and my rock when our mother passed.
I have been contemplating having another child as I don't want my little girl to be alone. But we are in such a good routine now, but I think back to the newborn days sleep deprivation and night feeds. And the low feelings and lots of tears I definitely had the "baby blues".
But I think you will know deep down what's best for you and your situation.

@Humphries2018 You've been through a lot, is this a decision you have to make now or can you give yourself a bit more time?

I went through some similar things with my daughter. The first year was the hardest thing I've ever experienced, I really didn't cope. When we finally came through it I didn't give a thought to a second, I just wanted to enjoy my family at last. After about four years I did wonder if I should be thinking about another but the idea of doing it again terrified me. I felt it would inevitably change my relationship with DD which I didn't want. I was really honest with myself and know a second is more than I could cope with mentally, and I need to be well and happy to be the mum I am now. I'm told I would cope and manage, and I probably would, but coping and managing isn't really what I want! I wouldn't want DD to see me in the state I was in first time, and I'm not sure my marriage would survive the pressure a second would put on us. I've never been one to take risks, and it did feel like a second would be risking what we have for an unknown (and what we have is great). Have to say I do feel relieved now our decision is made and I can just enjoy what I have. Of course there are always doubts, worries, what ifs, but I think that would be the case either way. You can only make what feels like the best decision. Hope you get there. X

I agree with RDMummy. I have a one year old DS and I was previously always on the fence about whether to have kids at all. I settled on one. And my DH never ever put pressure on me even though I knew he wanted kids. But now that we have one (DS has never been a very difficult child), i feel there is pressure to have another. And I don't think I would have the patience. I have managed to rebuild a career that balances work and family life perfectly, and from a selfish point of view, I wouldn't want to throw that away. Also, I feel in myself I want to focus all my efforts on DS as he is the light of my life, and I don't want to split my attention between two kids as I would also probably only barely manage. And just as RDMummy says, I don't want to just 'manage'. There are a lot of families with just one child these days. It may be best to focus on how you genuinely feel you would cope balancing multiple kids, your partner, work maybe... But certainly don't guilt trip yourself into it x

I thought I was done at one. When I found out I was pregnant again I cried for weeks (I'd had a journey ttc no1 so didn't feel like I could terminate)
The one thing I'll say is I thought my first was easy. It's only now I have my second that I see she was anything but (my first sounds like yours in that she'd for the longest time only sleep in the car or pram, she slept through from 5.5 months. Apart from when ill or teething which is obviously all of the bloody time and looking back I was far more sleep deprived and down than I realised). I find that second babies have to fit in around your already established routine so there are times when they have to cry a little, which I find helps them to self soothe sooner and be a little more content than first babies (this is based on what I've seen in my peer group)
If in hindsight you suspect PND you can get the support of your midwife, mine was great with my anxious feelings around my second pregnancy and birth. There is support available.
That said, there's nothing wrong with sticking to one, is it a decision you feel you need to make as soon as possible?

It's a decision only you can make. I found the baby bit awful and could never imagine doing it again. DD is nearly 5 now and no regrets.