What a mess

[user1493292590]

Ok,so here is my story, 10 yrs of trying, multiple miscarriages, 6 goes of ivf I finally conceived my son. I was 40 when he was born. Roll on 10 yrs, another miscarriage, failed foster to adopt, 1 failed and distressing attempt at adoption, now in counselling for the mess I am in. I just can't get over not having another child. I am 50, I am struggling to accept that there will never be another child.
I want to have a happy life, but something is missing. I am trying to keep myself busy.
How have you managed to move forward?
I do have in the back of my mind fostering, but I am no where near at a good place yet to consider it.
Xx

Hi OP. I am sorry you feel this way. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I have a 10yo and while we didn't have the same struggle to conceive, the pregnancy went very wrong and it was an extremely stressful time with health problems for both myself and the baby. The end result is that we won't be having any more children as the risk to my health is too great. Adopting and fostering has also crossed our minds over the years but neither of us feel we have the strength for it.

I do appreciate how very lucky we are to have our one DC, but at the same time I struggle with the situation a lot and I would welcome suggestions on how to fully accept and embrace things. For me, friends or family becoming pregnant and then their subsequent pregnancies and births and the early months once baby is here, are what usually cause me to go downhill. I am also very happy for them at the same time and I don't show my sadness in front of them.

When DC was small, I prepared myself that there would likely be a fair few pregnancy announcements at the toddler stage amongst my friends and so it wasn't a surprise. And I suppose at that stage I was still very busy with toddler life- attending groups etc that it troubled me less. What has really floored me though is a couple of surprise announcements in the last two years- one of which was a surprise baby for a friend who had also declared in the last she was having one child (her older child is the same age as mine). I found that very hard.

Sorry I can't be more help but I agree with the keeping busy and if you find a good way to feel better please let me know

OP, sorry to hear your story. What are your reasons for wanting another child? To go through the baby/ toddler etc stage again? To have a sibling for your dc? Because you feel a family should be bigger? You geek you have more to give than your dc needs now? Might be worth talking about this to try and see if you can find peace or a way to channel your feelings.
I think a lot of people struggle slightly with the concept of having had their final baby (I know I am even though I know im done) as the baby years are very special even though they can be hard. (Typing on phone so aware I sound glib!) so it's hard to think you won't have that again but your dc is still growing and still needs you.

*feel, not geek!
And the above post was meant to be read with sympathy not sounding like an interrogation...

I’m interested in the failed foster to adopt and failed adoption...we’re they 2 different occasions? Could you try again? If you can’t face or see your life without another child in it might it be worth exploring again? Would a surrogate birth be worth exploring? Sometimes in life I believe it’s the feeling of not having any options that leaves us feeling that like there’s no future - sometimes simply saying that there are options allows a person to move forward and actually (possibly) to a place where they don’t feel the need for the options to actually happen.

I've been there to a lesser degree (many years to conceive, numerous miscarriages, rejected for fostering) so I can relate to a lot of how you're feeling. Every single day for many years I longed for another child; it's all I could think of.

I'm now almost 50 and my DC has started high school. I don't know what changed, but over the last year I've realised that my utter desperation for another child has gone. Perhaps it's partly to do with the reality of how old DH and I would be if we conceived now when the child was finishing high school? Not sure, but I'm very close to the 1 DC I have and have finally come to terms with being happy with what I have. I still feel desperately sad for the babies I've lost, but it's no longer all consuming... and somehow the gaping hole the losses left in my life are no longer so big.

I think that for a long time I honestly didn't want to move on because I was so fixated on another baby, so I'm actually relieved that those feelings have gone away. Would it help you to talk to someone about it?

Apologies... I didn't spot that you're already having counselling

Thanks ladies, all of you for understanding. In answer to the question surrounding adoption, we attempted a foster to adopt after being persuaded by social worker and it never happened, if affected my son quite badly. Then a normal adoption failed during intros as it was obvious there were health issues that the foster career had never reported. So the adoption ended and we walked away from adoption.
The question as to why I want another one are because I want to do it all again. I feel I have so much more to give. I am so very lucky and grateful to have my son, we are very close. He wants a sibling too. I feels like there is a need in me. Husband is not so willing, he is 55, may aswell be 65 the way he talks. Getting ready for retirement already, That's another story, he is a nuisance,

I have sympathy for you as I know you are feeling an all consuming desire to have another child. I do get that. But to call you husband a nuisance because he does not feel the way you do is really not nice not helpful. He and my DH are around the same age as him and both preparing to retire. There is nothing wrong with having that as your plan. You are both just on utterly different pages with regards to your futures. You see another child and he sees retirement.

I think you are maybe going to have to find a way to come to terms with having one child. I am
Not sure you would now be accepted as a foster carer. Your DH would have to be on board and the SWs would absolutely scrutinise your previous application for adoption that you walked away from. I am a SW who sits in fostering and adoption panels and your post rings many alarm bells for me. You are thinking of yourself in this and not the troubled and abused children who require a foster home. If you couldn't accept an adoptive child with health issues you are unlikely to manage the needs of very damaged children and offer them the reparative care they require.

I may sound brutal but I think you need to really take a step back and focus on why you have in real life, focus on the child you have rather than continually think about having an other child by any means.

I am fully aware that I may not be accepted as a foster career. Yes, I may sound selfish in my very short description of my life.
The foster career well and truly stitched me up, i had a choice at the time to protect my family and my son. I had to do the right thing. You have no idea of what happened. I am trying to move on with that.
You can as brutal as you like. I guess that by putting myself on here I get judged thanks

I was going to say the same as Apollo - I don’t know anyone who has adopted a child without issues. In fact the child who was supposedly the ‘perfect’ adoption (in terms of pre-adoption life history) has ended up having some of the most significant and devastating issues which only became apparent in later teen years. So if health issues are a concern I don’t think you’ll get what you are craving through adoption. I’m not saying that judgementally - you have to go into adoption with your eyes wide open.

In terms of family size my mum wanted 6 & ended up just with me (and the advice she was given about not having more was bollocks, but I haven’t told her that). She was always very pragmatic about it & I never felt a disappointment (although I suppose I could have).

I think honestly more therapy. There isn’t a ready solution to your feelings, you feel how you feel, but I am guessing you don’t want it to overshadow everything. Therapy may help you come to terms with it. Or following some other passion. I have found surfing and being dunked in the sea has helped with some very difficult parts of my life where I had no solution.

I'm not judging you. I am trying to encourage you to find a way to accept what you have and move forward.

I was under no illusion that it was a perfect child or a perfect adoption. I am not that naive to think that. I would never have got that far if I did. When you go through adoption you go through a checklist of what you can and can't accept into your life. The foster carer messed up and she knows it. Things do go wrong in adoption and social services do make mistakes aswell. I am not going into anymore detail on that.
I am really looking at how I learn to accept no other children. I love what I have. It doesn't stop the longing that I have.

No, but you have some control over how you manage that & understanding what that longing is for. Why the longing for a second child? What would having two bring you that one child doesn’t? There’s never any guarantee that they’ll get on for example.

I think maybe sometimes we have an idea of life mapped out before us that doesn’t then pan out. Maybe it’s the letting go of that fantasy that is difficult? I am approaching 50 and using it as a time to think about what I want to do before I get ancient. If your child is now ten then your life is about to get a lot easier in terms of doing things for yourself and also with your child. Can you plan your next ten years - choose to do things you couldn’t do with a baby/toddler in tow.

@Devilishpyjamas I agree with what you are saying. Just finding it hard, trying to work heaps of stuff out.

Just a s a question is it partly that if you accept only having one child you are accepting that your marriage may also be in question too? Where as if you has another child your dh would remain having more purpose?