Happy with my one

[MumUnderTheMoon]

Most of the threads on here are about people worrying about their only child being lonely and feeling responsible for producing a sibling for them. I just want to say "let yourself off the hook!!" There is nothing wrong with being an only child. My dd loves that she is the centre of my attention and in spite of the fact that she is a little spoiled by this she is thoughtful and kind and charitable and many other wonderful things and never feels like she has missed out on anything. I on the other hand have two younger brothers one of which I have very little in common with, I only see him at Christmas and the other has additional needs so I'm more of a carer type than a sister type. Everyone worrying about producing a sibling for their dc seems to have a very idealised view of how it will be in their head but it doesn't necessarily turn out that way. If you are desperately sad that you haven't had another child because you want to be a parent again then I can respect how heartbreaking that could be but don't torture yourself for not having provided your child with a sibling. I doubt they'll hold it against you.

I'm also happy with my decision to stick with just the one. The money that would be going childcare fees is now going on overpaying the mortgage! She does plenty of extra curricular activities as well as school and we don't spoil her with 'stuff' so I don't think she's going to turn out to be a selfish, antisocial weirdo!

I have one DC and would have liked another - it’s how I always pictured my family. I did get pregnant but miscarried and we have decided not to try again. Our financial situation and my husband’s ill health means supporting two children throughout life could be very tough and we’d certainly struggle. I don’t worry about DS being spoilt or weird. I think there are positives to being happy in your own company and in having the full attention of your parents. I do feel guilt about not providing a brother or sister for him, but I know a sibling isn’t any guarantee of support or friendship. I also think a lot about the issue of my son being alone in coping with our old age and death. My husband thinks this is ridiculous and morbid, and says that providing a stable and happy upbringing is far more important in ensuring our son can cope with the difficulties of life than giving him a sibling. I’m trying to make peace with our decision, and I do think there will be upsides. The reality of having another child for us would be a life of financial struggle and a dad whose health might suffer with the extra strain. It’s a risk we don’t feel we can take for the sake of an idealised dream I have of a two-child family.

Ah I am overjoyed with my one and only and wouldn’t want it any other way. We tried for years to have him and had four cycles of fertility treatment.
I can see so many benefits to just having one and have no desire at all to try for another. Despite so many people seemingly convinced I’ll change my mind or I must have at least two 👀

I have a lovely relationship with my sister but I know I’m very fortunate with that and it’s not a given that siblings will get along.

@MumUnderTheMoon... a truly lovely post ..we have just DS who is 5 and loved to bits! Yes and a bit spoilt I guess! He knows who rules the roost and often has to be given a sharp telling off! For years we gave ourselves a hard time for not trying harder for a sibling for DS. We never wanted to go down the IVF route and i was v lucky that we had DS at 41! But no more... and you know what? I think I'm at peace with this now.
You wrote...
"If you are desperately sad that you haven't had another child because you want to be a parent again then I can respect how heartbreaking that could be but don't torture yourself for not having provided your child with a sibling. I doubt they'll hold it against you"
Thank you for writing this OP.
As @Marley45 says there's no guarantee siblings will get along anyway. And DS never likes the idea of a baby in the house! Marley..I think you are incredibly brave and determined to go thru all that fertility treatment and look at what you got...Congratulations! It's wonderful to hear how happy you are with your DS. Same here!

@DrG13.. we are in the same sort of position as you I think. We couldn't afford the childcare and DH is on long term sick so my meagre part time wage is all we have going forward. That and tax credits I guess. It's just another reason it can't happen x

My daughter is 5, and I know I don't want any more. I struggled for the first year after she was born and really think I had PND which went untreated as my GP sent me away telling me I was fine (I wasn't). I'm nearly 40 and just can't imagine going back there. My daughter is amazing, confident, outgoing, funny and clever. She has lots of friends at school and cousins round the corner that she is really close to and sees all the time. She has great aunts, uncles and grandparents that are also a huge part of her life. I don't think she is missing out. I love that she gets all our time and attention, and that we will always be able to support her. But I still have the guilt, that one day she will resent me for not giving her a sibling. And I worry a lot about her being alone one day. I have been made to feel that having one is not a valid choice, that I'm not a proper mum, and I've been told it's 'cruel'. I struggle with anxiety which contributes to how much I worry about this. But that's also why I know I wouldn't cope with two. I can be the mum I want to be to my wonderful girl, or a very stressed out mum to more. I know I can't have a baby I don't completely want just to give my daughter a sibling. I feel like I should want another one, but I just don't. I also feel like I don't have a valid reason for this - I have a great marriage, a supportive family and no money worries. But I have been completely honest with myself and know that my personality just means that one is right for me. I need to be mentally well to be a good mum, and that's where I am now. Just makes no sense to me to think about risking what I have.

@Ange1230...I just wanted you to know so much of what you say I get and am on the same page. It's a great post, really beautifully put. I'm not the OP but thanks for posting it. I also suffer from anxiety and that has had a big part in why we haven't had another. When we found out about DS, 12 weeks had gone so I was in a state of shock! I needed something to help me with my nerves but being preg, I wasn't able to take anything. When we saw him on the scan I changed instantly and felt happy and maternal but all that was a distant memory when I had a traumatic birth and like you, I suffered with post natal depression not helped by ridiculous comments from family members. I swore I'd do it all differently and not get so upset by what others say but I never got the chance as we never had another. Now I'm 46 and there's so little chance but like you, I look at our beautiful DS who's also 5 like your DD and he seems completely happy to be an only. I also give myself a hard time about him being an only and worry I'll regret it and beat myself up for not trying harder but again what you say is exactly right..I can give him my complete support and any more would be risking my mental health and what we have right now. I hear you 100%!

@BooseysMom, thanks so much. It's really helpful to know it makes sense to someone! It can feel lonely when it seems like you're the only one not having a second. I have felt weak and a bit pathetic not being able to cope with something that everyone else seems to take in their stride. I do sometimes think that if another pregnancy/baby was going to pose a serious risk to my physical health it would be much easier to accept. Of course I know my mental health is just as important but sadly it seems that some people still don't think that way. I did go through a stage of thinking I needed to have another so I could do a better job than the first time but looking at my DD I try to reassure myself that I haven't done a bad job this time . She doesn't really mention siblings, and is always so positive about everything I think she appreciates the benefits of being an only one! She always sees the best in everyone and everything, I wish I was more like her 😍. I don't ever attempt to justify our choice to anyone, I know I don't need to, but endlessly try and justify it to myself. I wish I had the self confidence to just say this is our decision, and it's fine.

@Ange1230... you know it's amazing how we seem to be the same, as in we are in the same situations with the same experiences and feeling exactly the same!! It's so nice to talk about it to someone who really understands Also DS seems exactly the same as your DD! I think if we did have another DC he would be unaccepting of it and that would really throw a spanner in the works esp if I go thru the PND again..it just wouldn't be fair on him. He's a well balanced, happy positive child..So why risk that?
I read on another thread that there's a stigma on having a second which is really unnecessary and the poster wasn't falling into that trap..they were completely happy with their decision to have one. I really feel I'm getting there and it sounds like you are too

@BooseysMom...here's to moving on, worrying less and enjoying our perfect families in 2019 . Happy New year to you. X

I'll drink to that @Ange1230 !! Thank you. Happy New Year to you too xx

This is my first post on an online forum ever but had to register to say thank you so much for posting this X

@mumofone24.. Hello and thank you for your msg. I had this thread in my list so thought I'd have a quick look and so found your msg! I'm glad you found some support here ..take care x

Love our one and only and I know she loves being our one and only.

I did think about having another but SPD put me off. I'm glad now I didn't. I love our little dynamic. She is so confident and outgoing and chatty. It's always remarked on by other parents.Loves her own company but also loves to play with others. She's smart, beautiful and sweet and I wouldn't change her for the world. I would however love to change the world for her.

@Badwifey.. Hi. So happy to read your msg. Your DD sounds terrific and very similar to DS who is very def our dynamic, the apple of our eye and oh how he knows it! I've had comments from family around him being spoilt but I do think people are so quick to judge and we are more aware of not spoiling him too much as he's an only. I really feel that another would throw a spanner in the works! Although we were ttc for 3 years after DS we're coming to terms with having only one now. So thank you for posting this x

Thanks Booseysmom we try not to spoil her too but it can be hard not to.

@Badwifey.. absolutely. DS had so much at Christmas and his birthday is only a few weeks before so it's a battle all year telling him he has to wait for his birthday/Xmas. Then we get the grandparents buying him stuff and then commenting in a pointed way that isn't he a lucky boy with all these toys?! ..They never had all this when they were young. Aagghh! I feel like screaming!
But what we try to do is give rewards. So if he's done well at school we say he can have a toy. The biggest problem is he won't get rid of anything old so the house is slowly sinking under his toys!!

Also v happy with my one DC. He’s delightful; kind, sensitive and bright as a button.

@haverhill...lovely! Another happy parent of one! How old is yours? I was told mine is as bright as a button too! Those exact words. I wouldn't change him for the world

He’s 11.
I’m a teacher and most of the onlies I know are articulate and charming kids who have no problems sharing with others.

That's great to hear
I have a half brother who is alot older than me and I rarely see and so consider myself an only. According to my late mother I never wanted friends and sent them home preferring to play alone or with my dogs! I hope I haven't turned out strange and withdrawn as a result..I think I'm ok anyway! Hopefully DS will be ok too.

DS gave me a twinge of guilt yesterday when he asked for a sibling.
However, even before I started medication which causes birth defects we were very happy with him.
He's 5 and makes my heart burst with joy. I love it when we cycle together and he chats nonstop. We (generally) have time to notice every little change.
He and DH go skiing just them, which wouldn't be possible with 2.

@Minniemountain.. what a lovely msg! I'm not the OP here but thank you for contributing. My DS is five too and like yours, he makes my heart burst with joy too! He kissed me on the cheek twice the other day and it was such a gentle loving thing to do it brought tears to my eyes. I can't imagine having another tbh