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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

The decision is made

16 replies

jinglebells123 · 22/11/2018 21:20

After 3 failed pregnancies and 2 years (on and off but more on than off) of TTC, I've finally accepted that we will forever be a single child family.

DD would love a sibling. I've always swung from one position to another - sometimes longing for another other times dreading the thought of trying to cope with two and losing some of my recently found "me time".

I worry about my DD growing up - she'll never be lonely as I have a large family but as the only grandchild on both sides she'll have less company of her own age although she has lots of friends.

She'll also bear the brunt of caring for us as we age and one day being an orphan which makes me sad.

I have a sibling as does dh so we have no idea what it means to be an only - only experience of friends who have all gone on to have 2 as they hated it.

But I did try! I tried my best and if she ever asks why I'll give her that explanation but I just don't think it was meant to be and Im a big believer that "what's for you won't go by you". It's just that having 2 children wasn't for us 🙁

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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yappity · 22/11/2018 21:56

Don't feel sad.. I'm an only and loved it. Your dd will be fine it's her normal and she knows no different. Enjoy all the things you can do with just one .. travel after school clubs etc what are her interests?

How old is she?

I dithered for ages and am now too old and I'm sad but sad for me not my only dc who will be fine .. I just try not to project any of how I feel into him

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 22/11/2018 22:03

All children will be orphans one day surely?

I have an only dd, wasn't part of the original plan but I think there are lots of advantages. Dd gets lots more opportunities as there is more money and time to do the things she wants to do.

I do feel sad sometimes that she won't have a large extended family when she is older, no nieces or nephews but she is close to her cousins who are similar ages.

Quarky · 22/11/2018 22:15

My DD is an only child but even if she had a sibling you can't guarantee she will get on with that sibling or even still stay in contact in their adult life. I have a brother who I don't get along with very well and I certainly wouldn't dream of asking him for help. I will bear the brunt of looking after our parents because he's too selfish. I have my own family and I don't need anyone else. My DD will have her own family one day I am sure, and she won't be lonely.

Quarky · 22/11/2018 22:16

Just wanted to also say, we lost a twin pregnancy at 6 months before we conceived our DD, so I don't want to got through pregnancy again.

BooseysMom · 23/11/2018 20:19

@jinglebells123...I echoe others here. Don't be sad. I'm 46 and we sort of tried for years for a sibling for DS who is 5. Every time we mention having someone for him to play with it's a big fat No! I just hope he always feels that way. I have a large extended family but don't really like my nieces if I'm honest and feel DS would be better off without them. Every day I fret about what might have been and I'm scared of the future but I have to keep telling myself to love DS and be grateful for what we have. I worry as I had him at 41 we'll be old and he'll have to look after us but we know we won't expect him to do that. As @yappity says it's his normal to be an only and i think sometimes adding another to the pot can upset the equilibrium. Good luck x

@quarky.. I wanted to say sorry to hear of your loss x

Need2morehands · 23/11/2018 20:29

I’m an only and loved it! My oh comes from a huge family and while some of them are close others may aswell be strangers and none of them would have big families of their own. Their are definitely massive benefits to having only one child plus children will always ask for another sibling or a brother if they have a sister etc. The reality is they will probably have much more fun away from home with friends their own age and having their parents all to themselves when their at home.

Original poster

jinglebells123 · 23/11/2018 21:29

@yappity she is just turning 4 and a typical wee girl who is obsessed with babies and dolls.

@quarky so sorry to hear of your loss. My losses were all early although I was hospitalised with the first one and the thought of having that experience again worries me.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I really appreciate them. Having a wobble tonight watching Emma Willis delivering babies and feeling like a selfish cow for not having another (and looking at the cute new borns with envy - I loved those first days!!).

Found myself secretly hating on an acquaintance whose having her second (2 under two) and is just relishing mum life. I wish I was more like that.

Just need to listen to my body and accept that it's not for me!

OP posts:

lighthouse17 · 23/11/2018 22:45

I could have written your post. We also tried for a second for 1.5 years and managed to conceive twice and lost. After the last time we decided not to try anymore. Our daughter is 5 years old by the way and I would have loved to give her a sibling but most importantly for myself. I long for another baby since she was 1 years old. My DH wasn’t on onboard till I turned 39 though and I think we left it too late. Even though we said not to try anymore I changed my mind but my husband hasn’t so I guess this is it. I can’t see him changing his mind again and I am just over 40 now. I think about this everyday and it’s consuming me to be honest. I think about all of the benefits of having only one child to think positive. We also signed her up for private school now knowing that we can afford it for her. But none of it matters when you really really want a baby which I do. Too much to risk now and I have to think with my head not heart. I wish there was another way arghhh sorry I can’t be help here apart from sharing my own experience

lighthouse17 · 23/11/2018 22:49

Hi jingle bells I was also hospitalised after my first MC and nearly died after the operation. I think these experiences really take a toll in your life. So sorry to hear your losses by the way

Clearthinking · 23/11/2018 22:55

I have 2 brothers, don't really see them. Husband has 3 siblings and hardly sees any if them. A lot of people think you have to have more but it's so common to just not bother talking to siblings when you grow up. I think sometimes friendships are alot nicer and single children can be so confident and have amazing social skills that you assume they won't pick up. I resigned myself to one. 3 years trying but have to give up!

stinkypoo · 23/11/2018 23:44

DD is 5, and would absolutely love a sibling she could play with.
Her older sister died as a very young baby, I talk about her & DD knows she has a sister who died.
It is hard, and DD would love having a sister to play with, but she has cousins that are close and I really encourage her to spend time with them, as well s friends and other activities.
Being an only child isn't such a bad thing - having a sibling doesn't mean you have a friend or ally.
I would live for my DD to have her DSis with her to grow up with, but it obviously isn't possible.

BooseysMom · 24/11/2018 10:02

lighthouse17...i just wanted to say I had my only DS at 40, 3 months off 41. So if you really want it, it's not too late. We've been ttc no.2 for 3 yrs but it looks likely DS will always be an only. But what @Clearthinking says is very true that siblings often don't get on and friendships can be very special. Btw we've been trying for 3 years too and although I have dreams of a baby girl I would call Rae-ellen (if DH allows it!!), i am truly blessed to have DS.

@stinkypoo...love your name! So sorry to hear of your loss x

Good luck everyone xx

BooseysMom · 24/11/2018 10:05

@lighthouse17...bump!!

lighthouse17 · 24/11/2018 10:37

Hi booseysmum I know there might still time left for me but I think my fertility is declining quicker than some others. I mentioned that we are paying for my daughters private school so my husband is even more against it because of money. We might be able to pay for 2 kids but this would leave is quite strapped for cash so I do understand where he is coming from. I asked him if he desires another baby and he said no so he finds that he is complete with our daughter. I wish I was too so that I didn’t have to go through the longing for another child. I can’t see him changing his mind till for at least a year and I will be 41 than and like you said just maybe I will have another child

lighthouse17 · 24/11/2018 10:40

@booseysmom :)

BooseysMom · 25/11/2018 12:46

@Lighthouse17..that's very commendable from his POV. It's a lovely thing to say really. My DH is happy with DS but never says he feels complete. But he's been unlucky in the career dept and has been on long term sick for 5 months. He has 2 interviews coming up for teacher training. So having another DC right now would be disastrous as we've only just moved to our house new (shared ownership) and are in our mid 40s!! We'd never afford it.

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