On the fence

[Bexterfish]

We have a 3 year old dd we love to bits and we just cannot decide whether you have a second. We're currently seeing what happens but I stopped the pill 5 weeks ago with no sign of af and I'm not pregnant.
But I wobble regularly. I'm an only child, I can't imagine life with 2 children, I can't imagine the chaos, the sharing everything evenly, loving 2 equally, not having a favourite. The impact on our finances. Equally I'm not totally sure I'm done. I don't get in the slightest bit broody at newborns. Id have to give up my hobby as soon as i get pregnant which is disappointing but only for a 18m or so. My dd wants a sibling.
when I got a negative pregnancy test I didn't feel anything not disappointment but not joy either. I couldn't be less decided. But you can't not make a decision, no decision is a decision to stick with 1. Hubby is the same as me. Totally not sure. So I guess we're leaving it up to fate.
Why is it so hard to decide

It's a very tough decision, I had DD when I was 36 and we always planned for her to be an only.

However we did have a wobble when she was about 3 and I was approaching 40. We didn't end up having a second mainly because of practical reasons - we relocated, DH was unemployed so I was the main breadwinner so decision was sort of taken out of my hands. Although in hindsight I do not think my heart was entirely in it, otherwise if I was desperate for a 2nd we could have worked around those complications.

By the time we sorted ourselves out I was in my early 40s and DD was about 5. At that point I did not want to go back to babies, potty training etc. It was the best decision for us looking back, I know my mental health would have been tested.

To be brutal OP it does sound like your not mad keen on a 2nd child from the reasons you stated (sharing etc), and the fact you were not disappointed with a negative pregnancy test. That does sound like to some extent you are 'done'. I think there will be a part of most women of 'what if', but thats what it stays.

Following as I'm also struggling with what to do. Also have a DD. DP is adamant he only wants one. Sometimes I feel exactly the same and other times I feel distraught. (I'm very close with my siblings but my DH is not so I know it's never a guarantee.)

As a compromise, we've decided to start putting all her baby stuff in the loft and we will see how we are in 1-2 years (there's a 4 year gap between me and my siblings so I wouldn't want to go past that) and we will see where we at financially, career wise, health wise etc. I'm ok with that. As we might get 2 years down the line and be very happy with what we have. It's tough though.

Last night I lay in bed sure I wanted another. Today I think in sure I don't..
Surf. My heart is definitely not totally in it but every time I come closer to calling it off i change my mind and decide I'm not ready to be done after all. Hubby is 40 and in 32 so we have agreed that we will give nature until next dec and if its not happened then the book is closed but I'm wondering if I should change my mind sooner. But then am I really done? No more baby cuddles, first words, breastfeeding, no one for dd to play with (i was totally happy with this as a kid but she wants a sibling.. but she's 3). So i don't know