Having the baby number 2 talk

[Lgp11]

I have wanted baby 2 for over 2 years now but my OH has said he isnt ready so its just a topic I have touched on with him a handful of times since nd each time I accept his decision which is 'theres no rush'. The last time we discussed the topic it was very positive and we said we would start after our holiday and he was helping to pack my toddlers old items into the loft (for baby 2).
We are back from holiday now and I have brought the topic up again and his response was 'what are you going to do every week when I go to football and you've got both of them on your own?'. I dont quite know what he means!!! Im getting the feeling he is not willing to give up his hobby for baby 2 and thats why he's stalling. I dont want him to give up his hobby but I dont want the hobby to come before the family! I would really like to know what you think of this situation? Do i accept he wants to continue his hobby and give up? I'm a little heartbroken tbh. Do I need to be harsh and tell him hes a lazy twat!!

I have wanted baby 2 for over 2 years now but my OH has said he isnt ready so its just a topic I have touched on with him a handful of times since nd each time I accept his decision which is 'theres no rush'. The last time we discussed the topic it was very positive and we said we would start after our holiday and he was helping to pack my toddlers old items into the loft (for baby 2).
We are back from holiday now and I have brought the topic up again and his response was 'what are you going to do every week when I go to football and you've got both of them on your own?'. I dont quite know what he means!!! Im getting the feeling he is not willing to give up his hobby for baby 2 and thats why he's stalling. I dont want him to give up his hobby but I dont want the hobby to come before the family! I would really like to know what you think of this situation? Do i accept he wants to continue his hobby and give up? I'm a little heartbroken tbh. Do I need to be harsh and tell him hes a lazy twat!!

This is such a difficult one, OP. It's not possible to make somebody want a child. Or to guilt / shame them into it. DH would like another, but for me it's no way José. (We have 3)

Everybody has different levels of patience, emotional resources, standard of living and free time that they feel willing to give up. For some people the desire for a / another child is the factor that counts the most for them, and none of those other things matter as much. But there aren't any rights or wrongs in the area of how many children somebody has in mind having - the heart wants what the heart wants. 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you want your OH to be a loving, committed dad, who pulls his weight, and a loving, committed partner who doesn't resent you, you're going to need to make sure he is genuinely, 100% on board with having another child.
Resentment is such a corrosive thing to a relationship- and at the moment it sounds like you have a tricky win/lose impasse to navigate either way.
It might seem an attractive option to say 'Oh go on, pleeease! if we have another baby I'll do the bulk of the parenting', but where that's happened I've never known it end well. And it goes without saying a kid surely deserves to be wanted by both parents.

If neither of you will budge, how high are the stakes? Is it something you would leave over?

I want a loving committed partner and father to my children which is why I have waited for him. I dont want another baby if he doesnt want one. Im not willing too agreed on doing a lot of the parenting in order for him to grant me permission to get pregnant.
Its just hard for me to accept that Im giving up another baby and a sibling for my LB to allow him to have a hobby. Just doesnt seem fair to me!
Right now no I wouldnt leave but I'm heartbroken and disappointed in him which I'm worrying is going to cause resentment.

I’m not quite understanding this? Would he not be able to go to football once a week and be a committed dad at the same time?

Can’t you also have a night to do something when he looks after them both too? Seems fair to me- then neither parent had to give up their hobbies and why should we?

That's seems weird... if you have maternity then surely you'll have both at once on your own a lot anyway?

I’m a bit confused... many parents have hobbies and more than one child. And surely if you’re on maternity leave you’ll be at home with them both on your own when he’s at work? I’m not sure why him going to football once a week is being seen as a barrier by either of you.

We had a 19 month gap and after 2 weeks paternity leave I had them both on my own every day. When we have our third in December and he goes back to work I’ll have all 3 on my own... that’s fairly standard isn’t it?

Apologies for the multiple posts... I should point out that when I’m at my hobby/out with friends etc DH has always had them both on his own too.

My OH has football 2 evenings a week 6pm until 10pm and then saturday 12pm until 5pm.

We have had another conversation since this and he has said his reason is because he doesnt think we can afford it.
Im a little confused and shocked about this for a number of reasons so I dont think he is being honest.

1. We have a 3 bedroom house, very cheap mortgage, 2 salaries.
2. We have been planning an extension and have an appointment at the bank immenintly to borrow 20k equity from our house. He clearly cant be worrying that much!
3. He gave the green light to baby 2 earlier this year so now why the sudden change. Nothing in terms of our finances has changed. In fact we are now better of as I have just taken on a promotion and we have been given 30 hours free childcare per week saving us £250 p.m.

Im heartbroken as I dont think he will ever want baby 2. Im grieving an imaginary child like I have just lost a close family member. I'm feeling like I have been dumped by my first love like I'm 19 again.

I never knew how women felt being deprived of children until now

Not speaking from personal experience, but don't bring number 2 into a realtionship where you're both not into it 100%.

My DH is great, but struggling with having the newborn and toddler, to the extent that his relationship with the new baby is suffering a bit. It's improved mine with No1.

You might have to consider if the right thing for you is to stay. Will you resent him, his football and the house extension forever if you don't have another baby?

The amount of extra work with two has been phenomenal. It's 18 hour days for both of us. I'm at home with both all week and sometimes I do resent that he gets to go to work, use his brain and have people say yes to him while I wrangle a toddler, deal with a baby who won't sleep at the same time as his sister and keep on top of a bigger house while trying to stay sane and retrain myself to do the job which will allow me to be Mum while also doing what I really want to do with my life.

Does the amount of time he gives to football annoy you generally. If so then I wouldn't have another child with him until you take a serious look at your relationship and how you feel about both of your roles in it. If ,however, you don't care about him going to football (it sounds like he's been doing it forever) then why does that affect you having a second child? I'm sure you can "manage" two kids on your own, you're a mummy and most of us are pretty awesome and manage plenty. Just have a strait conversation don't "touch on it". Ask him strait up "are you using football as an excuse because you don't want more kids?"