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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Original poster

So very sad about having just one

35 replies

PseuDenim · 26/09/2018 20:10

I adore my 4yo DS and he brings me so much joy. I am 38 nearly 39 and my husband recently left.

I am trying so so hard to stay positive even though things are falling down around my ears but by far the biggest thing consuming me is that I feel like DS will never have a sibling and it’s eating me up inside.

I adore my siblings and although I know it’s not a given that adult siblings will be close or even like each other much, but mine have been my best friends for my whole life.

I feel like I will be ruining DSs life if he is an only, but I am also feeling like I won’t have a complete life by never being pregnant again or holding my baby in my arms.

I’m falling apart at the seams about it and keep bursting into tears when I see happy little families together.

Help me pull myself together please.

OP posts:
puppymouse · 26/09/2018 20:17

No advice OP as I would be feeling like you at the prospect of having more than one. I wouldn't change a thing but I'm not a born parent!

Your DS won't know what he's missing unless you project that onto him and it sounds like he's very much loved with aunties and uncles and other family members to support him which is the best you can offer any child.

I was an only for the first 12 years of my life and DD will be an only and I promise you it isn't worth you hurting over. I would concentrate on getting yourself nice and strong to parent without a partner as DS will need you.

Thanks
Original poster
PseuDenim · 26/09/2018 20:21

Thank you so much. I suppose I am projecting a bit and also grieving the end of my marriage so I’m not really properly unravelling my feelings yet. I just hate being so bitter every time I hear of someone being pregnant, it’s so not my normal personality to be like that.

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HappyHedgehog247 · 26/09/2018 20:24

If you wanted, there is the option of a sperm donor baby. I’m not saying you will want to do that and it’s no consolation for the grief of the family set up you hoped for and the loss you feel. But, it is an option that helped me when I was despairing.

Original poster
PseuDenim · 26/09/2018 20:40

I have actually considered that a lot - my fear though is that I have no family nearby and dealing with two in central London with zero money would be so difficult, but then I’d also hope I’d find a way. I will do some research.

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Sunnyautum · 26/09/2018 20:48

Did you ex not want another baby after your first? Just wondering as some may consider 4y quite a gap.

Original poster
PseuDenim · 26/09/2018 20:57

We wanted to buy a house etc so we put it off but thinking about it now maybe he didn’t and was finding excuses as I was starting to bring it up a lot

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SmellMyBeads · 26/09/2018 23:09

I've one dc. I'm the same age as you. I've a huge want to have another. My best friend has offered to be a donor. Plenty of options out there if you want to research.

Sunnyautum · 26/09/2018 23:48

but I am also feeling like I won’t have a complete life by never being pregnant again or holding my baby in my arms

But if you were to have another child would you feel like this again for another?

Hellywelly10 · 26/09/2018 23:54

I think you need to be grateful for the child you have op. Siblings dont always get on. Im sorry about the breakdown of your relationship x

Courtney555 · 27/09/2018 00:03

I'm an only. Well, I have a half brother I've seen about 4 times, nice bloke, just a bit odd to expect any connection when we got introduced, aged 14 and 2.

I imagine what it would be like to have a sister. I think I'd have liked it. But, I have no idea, all it is, is my imagination. I dont feel like I've missed out, I'm quite happy being an only, I'm just super close to my mum instead. Not having a sibling has really had very little bearing on my life, so I hope my mum didn't beat herself up that she never gave me one.

I've only got the one. Often think, he'd probably be less bored with a play mate, but liking the idea of a buddy for the first, is not a requirement to have a second.

Don't worry on his behalf, honestly xx

MonaChopsis · 27/09/2018 00:16

Pseu I'm now 5 years in from exactly where you were. The grief is a stage, and it passes (despite how overwhelming it feels right now!) DD, after years of begging for a sibling, is now a very happy only. As a single Mum, I can 'ship in' playmates and playdates to alleviate boredom, but I don't have to compromise on the care and attention I offer her day in day out. I don't feel spread too thin as a parent. It's not the path I would have chosen, but it's a good path nonetheless.

Original poster
PseuDenim · 27/09/2018 05:23

Thank you all so much, this is really helping gain a bit of perspective. I know that there are positives to having an only child intellectually, it’s just that emotionally I am struggling to come to terms. But I just have to learn to cope with that I suppose. Or alternatively look at less conventional ways of becoming a mother again outside of marriage. DS is currently asleep next to me having appeared in my room middle of the night and I do feel utterly overwhelmed with love for him so I know I am incredibly lucky to have him in my life - another one would be a superb bonus but won’t lessen how I feel about my little hot water bottle :)

OP posts:
SandysMam · 27/09/2018 05:27

I hate my sister. She made my childhood miserable and much of my adult life! Going NC was the best thing I ever did! So it might have gone two ways for your son!!
Try to focus on what you have, not what you don’t. Also, you may meet someone amazing and be pregnant within the year!! Keep positive.

Original poster
PseuDenim · 27/09/2018 05:42

sandy so true, I do have lots of friends who don’t get on with their siblings or at least are LC with them. It’s definitely not a given that siblings get on! I think it’s honestly because I’m one of three and we are as close as can possibly be, so I do forget sometimes that that could actually be considered unusual.

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Original poster
PseuDenim · 27/09/2018 05:43

Just wondering if anyone who has gone it alone via a donor route when they already have one child from a relationship is able to offer insight?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 27/09/2018 05:54

Sorry about your marriage and situation.

In your shoes I’d accept the sad feelings and try to make a good life for yourself and DS.

DS will be fine - his reality is just different from yours. There are lots of only DC, so he won’t be unusual amongst his peers.

Original poster
PseuDenim · 27/09/2018 05:57

Thanks so much loopy. I think part of the problem is that he would be extremely unusual as an only amongst my friends and peers, as in possibly only one other family I know have just one child! Mind you they all have a lot more dosh than me Grin

DS is such a happy little boy though and I am worried that somehow I am damaging that happiness by not giving him a brother or sister as companionship?

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Loopytiles · 27/09/2018 06:36

It’s not what you would have chosen for yourself, for sure. Bound to be hard.

IMO lots of DC like the idea of a sibling more than the reality Grin I experienced secondary infertility and was very lucky to have DC2. I was very upset about the prospect of never having DC2, probably more so for myself and DH than DC1 who was never bothered and many years on, although a kind and caring sibling, still frequently gets frustrated at having a sibling! Plenty of her friends have issues with their siblings - just different issues to DC with no siblings I guess! Whether or not we enjoy family life with siblings seems to depend on lots of factors, some quite random!

Presumably DS has not started school yet? Likely that there will be plenty of one child families there.

Some psychologists say that with siblings with age gaps of five years or more there are many similarities with being an only child.

Original poster
PseuDenim · 27/09/2018 06:46

Oh that’s interesting? He has started preschool and in a way that’s exacerbated my feelings somewhat as at drop off almost all the parents arrive with a pram or pushchair with a younger child in. I agree though that a large gap wouldn’t benefit DS much in terms of company, although I can imagine for parents a larger gap would be a godsend.

Thank you for such kind and encouraging words - it’s been such a tough six months.

OP posts:
Weedinosaurus · 27/09/2018 06:50

@Hellywell10 - completely unhelpful comment. Of course she’s grateful for the child she has. It’s completely irrelevant and does not stop the longing for another. Please don’t say that to anyone IRL.

OP definitely do your research on donors if you feel that’s really a method you’re willing to try. If it doesn’t work out then I guess it’s a case of finding a way to work through your emotions so you can get closure and move on (no one-size fits all here). Like you say, you’re grieving the end of your marriage and what feels like the end of your hopes for a second child and these things take time to work through.

However this ends though, your ds will be fine. He knows he is loved by you and that counts for more than anything Flowers

SandysMam · 27/09/2018 06:53

Flowers for you. You are obviously an amazing mum to even be thinking about it this much! Life is short and they grow up quick, don’t waste time on what is essentially a bit of an impossible wish...like wishing you had won the lottery for your son and feeling sad every day that you didn’t if that makes sense. Worry, fear and what if’s rob us of today. Enjoy your life OP xx

Wellmeetontheledge · 27/09/2018 06:54

I’m an only and I’ve always loved it :) I’m now an adult and am so close to my parents as we’ve always been a small unit. Because it’s only me they were also able to help me a lot financially through uni which I will be forever grateful for.

CesiraAndEnrico · 27/09/2018 07:05

DS is such a happy little boy though and I am worried that somehow I am damaging that happiness by not giving him a brother or sister as companionship?

Maybe this will help

One thing to consider, a disproportionate guilt, or sadness on your part about something unlikely to happen could have the potential to create the kind of baggage you are worrying your child will carry due to circumstances beyond your control.

I'm not suggesting you would overtly express this regret and concern to him, but children are more perceptive and better at earwigging than some adults presume. We kids pieced together our paternal grandparents disapproval of our parents having had more than one.

Nobody ever said anything overt to us. But we overheard bits and bobs, sometimes with judicious use of lurking by the upstairs banisters. And there were the occasional displays of covert verbal and non verbal clues to pick up on.

I'd like to say it had no impact on the relationship. But by the time I, the eldest, was 8 they were most definitely in the less preferred grandparent camp. And it did have something to do with their fixed mindset as it related to how many of us there were. I did not appreciate them "feeling sorry for me", nor was I keen on their negative projections of "damage" for me based on not being an only child. It added a layer of downer that they looked at me like an unexploded bomb, as in bound to display brokenness at some point. I still don't understand why they couldn't just love us for who we were, rather than focus on all their angst on how many of us there were.

Which was only 3 by the way.

We would all have been happier if they could have got over their "right number of kids" hump.

ImogenTubbs · 27/09/2018 07:27

I'm sorry OP, I can't offer any advice but I can empathise. We have a beautiful 5yo DD. I have really struggled to get pregnant again but finally managed it twice only to miscarry both times. I am now in my early 40s and DH is medium term (I hope not long term) unwell so we are not in a position to try. I can feel that door closing and I'm just incredibly sad about it. I am trying to appreciate how fortunate I am to have a funny, smart, beautiful, wonderful little girl but it is tough when people around you seem to be popping them out with no effort! I am happy for them but can't help but be jealous. I'm a good mum, DD deserves a sibling, we can afford it. All these things don't make any difference. It is hugely unfair. Thanks

Original poster
PseuDenim · 27/09/2018 07:36

Thank you all so so much and Flowers for you imogen

I definitely will take on board how I could inadvertently be creating baggage cesira I hadn’t actually considered that aspect and I really really don’t want to lumber DS with that. I just need to wrench my mind away from what isn’t and focus on what is, namely that he’s adorable and fun and there are definitely tangible benefits to only having one.

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