Biological dad wants access to son he has refused to see before

[therealhyper]

Hi,
It has been long hard number of years since my wife split with her husband. It was a abusive relationship which ended after 2 years of marriage.
My wife, was pregnant at the time and separated from her husband.
Our son (my stepson) was born whilst they were still separated. They did try to patch things but this did not last very long (4 weeks) and the marriage ended, our step son was approx 2 months at the time.
Our son, who is now 14 (soon to be 15) is a very bright individual with fantastic feedback from school. The school report he is a high achiever and always receives some of the highest available results in school exams, tests for his age across all subjects.
Last week we received communication from the courts that our son’s biological dad would like access and a family court date has been set for this.
We are quite upset about this news for a number of reasons:

1. Our son’s biological dad has never requested or seen his son in the last 14 years.
2. We have had no consultation about this matter
3. My wife does not want to see her ex husband, who we assume will be present in the family court. This will be the first time in 14 years she may see her ex husband who may bring his wider family with him to court, which is upsetting and terrifying to my wife, due to past abuse by ex- husband and their family
4. Our son does not wish to see his biological dad or establish any form of relationship with him
5. The biological dad has never made any effort to see our son or may any contribution to his life – ever.

We are quite anxious and not sure what we can do about this matter. Our biggest fear is this matter will divert our sons attention, disrupting his education and life. This could be a huge negative impact on his life. My other fear is, the painful memories will hurt my wife and our relationship. If anyone has experienced anything similar and can offer any support advice, that would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

At your sons age, court will take into account what he wants. The judge will likely take a very dim view of the Bio Dad rocking up after all this time. Has he ever paid child support? If not, that will go against him too.

I’m surprised it’s gone straight to court as they usually have to do mediation first. Are you in the UK?

Hi
Thanks reading and responding
No, never; Never requested to visit or see our son, and made zero financial support of any kind.
Yes, we are in the UK, London

I am not a legal expert but I would want to investigate whether it would be wise to just have 3rd-party representation (ie a barister) in court on the grounds that your wife has suffered violence and abuse from the ex and would be traumatised by having to see him, and your son has no wish to see him or have any relate with him (perhaps supplying a video recording of him stating this). The fact that this has gone straight to court without any attempt to make contact suggests that he us doing this as a power& control mind game rather than a genuine desire to build bridges. Could this be grounds to have the case thrown out?

It's court he can't just rock up with all of his family, you can request to know the judges name and write him a letter from your son to state he does not want any contact, at 15 years old it should stop it in its tracks....

Your son is old enough to make decisions for himself. Try to deal with it as factually as possible so he doesn't become distressed and try not to let him see you both that way. Have a conversation with him about the facts as they stand "your dad wants to see you why don't you want to see him?" Ask him to hand write that in a letter and then tell him to forget about it for now and you can take it from there. Explain to the judge exactly what you have written here but again stick to the facts if it looks like you guys are bad mouthing him he could claim that you have alienated your son from him and that isn't the case. This doesn't have to become a huge emotional issue necessarily just a fact of your lives. This man is not his dad in any of the ways that actually count and maybe he's regretting that now so you must be the ones to appear calm and even handed. Give the judge your sons letter and say that he is a wonderful young man who is secure and happy in his life, he is at a critical point academically and you have concerns about how this may disrupt all that right now but that doesn't mean that the situation will always be that way. You may also want to get a solicitor to make sure that you are dealing with this in the correct way legally. Again, be above reproach and keep it all about your sons best interests that is really all the law is concerned with in the end.