Hello, just looking for some advice about how to tackle this. Myself and my little boy (11 months) have been through the emotional ringer with his dad since my first trimester of pregnancy. Now his dad wants to introduce a partner of 6 months to our little boy. To discuss the issues around this, the background context may be useful.
We split during the pregnancy after he was controlling, emotionally and physically abusive. At 12 weeks pregnant he harassed and trapped me for hours, and while trying to get away from him he grabbed me around the stomach to stop me, which couldve ended in miscarriage. When I tried to run to my home he forced his way in and I had to lock myself in my bedroom. This was reported to the police at a later date, but as there were no witnesses, they did nothing, empowering him even more. I am now scared of his reactions when he gets angry, and feel trapped by him. He is a bully if he doesn’t get his way, but otherwise very charming and lovely to be around – therefore very convincing to any onlookers.
Since birth its been extremely rocky. I tried to be as amenable as possible by allowing supervised contact at my home when he was newborn. However he constantly harassed me for more and argued in front of baby, was rude and disrespectful to me in my own home, so after taking advice from many sources, I temporarily stopped contact until something more appropriate and safe for baby was arranged. I agreed to mediation but he ignored it and dragged me straight to court.
The court however completely ignored everything I said, ignored his criminal record for violence and drugs, ignored my reported instances of domestic abuse. They gave him everything he wanted and didn’t even listen to my caution over my babies safety in his care, and the fact im breastfeeding so overnight is definitely not going to work. They didn’t give us any guidance about how to do handovers (considering the biggest threat to babies safety at this point is his anger and therefore being caught in conflict) or any recommendations on how to move forward (social services suggested dad should do an anger management course and a parenting course so he could learn since hes got no experience taking care of a baby and he will have no supervision). The court have completed empowered him and left me absolutely powerless to negotiate with him going forward, I am at his mercy.
That was 6 weeks ago and it has been awful implementing the contact at his home and negotiating the conflict surrounding it – as iv said I have no leverage now. Iv now also lost my job (I went back full time as an accountant when baby was 6 months) as the stress got far too much and baby still doesn’t sleep through the night and is starting to pick up on the tension and upset I feel from his dad. Hes starting to get confused now hes spending time with me, time with the childminder, and now time at dads house whom he doesn’t know all that well yet so is getting very clingy. He cries bitterly at handover time which is heartbreaking. Despite the fact I feel baby is unsafe with his dad, I have no choice but to just get on with it.
On top of all of that, dad has now stated that hes got a girlfriend of 6 months and is demanding she meets baby.
Obviously I feel a mix of emotions. I feel he should be spending at least 6 months of contact time alone with baby forming strong bonds. My own experience of the relationship will mean that domestic abuse is once again likely and it could mean baby is caught up in it once more but with another partner. While baby is so young and doesnt have a solid understanding of who people are and the roles they play in his life, I feel this will confuse him even more and displace me as his mother. When it goes to overnight contact (at 18 months), its likely the girlfriend will be living there which I don’t think is right. I feel baby should establish his home with dad first, rather than moving into a home he shares with the new partner, or once again I feel baby will feel displaced, jealous, insecure etc.
I cant seem to find much guidance on how to approach this for a baby, there seems to be more advice about introducing new partners to children.
I didn’t feel id have to cross this bridge until at least 2 years after the court proceedings were over, and I just have no idea how to process this. Obviously I would rather baby didn’t meet her until he is maybe 2/3 when he can understand she is not his mum and have a strong enough bond with his dad and their relationship is fully established, but I don’t know if that’s unreasonable and me being oversensitive and worrying. My parents split when I was young and the emotional turmoil was awful, so im trying to prevent my son experiencing the same thing.
Dad gets to develop his relationship with his girlfriend in the 5 days a week that baby isn’t with him, so it shouldn’t jeopardise that, I just feel that while baby is so young, that contact should be focused on him and his son, not anyone else.
Any advice, support or kindness will be very much appreciated. Thanks, from a very shattered mumma!