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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Anyone else feel sad that you don't feel you can have another?

20 replies

Osopolar · 07/03/2018 20:47

NC but am a long time poster. Always wanted 3 children although realised it would probably be 2 due to costs. Then I had DS...

I want to start by saying that DS who is 2 is amazing and the joy of my life. He brings me more happiness than I thought imaginable and is a loving, kind and fairly easy going child although very active.

However as a baby he almost broke DH and I. He had colic and reflux and pretty much just cried or shouted at us for the first 7 months of his life. He didn't sleep well either, at one point he was waking every 45 minutes and I fell down the stairs multiple times because I was too tired to concentrate. Fortunately neither DS or I were ever injured. I was utterly miserable for the first year of his life and wished that we had never had him. Our marriage came close to collapse under the strain and it was awful. Once DS was fully mobile and started being able to communicate it all turned around and the last year with him has been amazing and I am so looking forward to all the adventures we will have.

DH and I agreed that we would have no more and DH had the snip and I have a copper coil. I know that this is the right decision as we can't risk our marriage again and I have two prolapses as a consequence of DS' back to back birth.

I can't help feeling sad however as although I have zero desire for more than one baby/toddler I would love to have multiple older children. I always wanted a larger family with people coming and going and hopefully multiple grandchildren and an old age filled with family.

Anyone else have a similar experience and any tips on moving on from this?

OP posts:

justanotheruser18 · 09/03/2018 06:21

I definitely had the same view for my future, a big bustling family life. What I have had to (try to) do is realign my real experiences of having children with the dream version. The big family dream isn't a dream really. It looks like a dream on Instagram and it's probably way better when the kids grow to adults... but you can have a beautiful busy yet peaceful life with your only.

You have identified that your marriage is more important than a big family. Keep that in mind.

You can still have grandchildren and a busy home when you are older, you'll just need to make plans with friends that are like family.

babybrain28 · 09/03/2018 17:23

I'm 39 and have been trying for 4 years. My son is 7 and all he wants for Christmas and birthday is to have a sister or brother. All his friends at school have siblings. He seems to be the only lone child. I long for another child but I also want one for my son. My brother lives in another country. And everything to do with my mum and dad I have to deal with and it's hard. I adore my parents and I am dreading it when something happens and when I lose them both. And I don't want my son to be in the same position. X

escorpion · 09/03/2018 17:29

Osopolar and Babybrain I feel exactly like you both and I am trying to come to terms with it all. I have a 2 yo and this is 99% likely to be my only child due to fertility issues and having a relationship on the rocks at the mo and age. I'm anxious about if anything happens to him or us and getting quite worried about it. I never planned to just have one and that is how this has ended up. to you both and all dealing with this.

Original poster

Osopolar · 10/03/2018 06:18

Sorry to hear that others are struggling with this too, it's so hard when your family hasn't turned out as you imagined. You are right justanother that my dream of a bigger family isn't how it would be in reality and that there are lots of pros to having one child. Will definitely try and be very close to any children that my brothers have :)

OP posts:

justanotheruser18 · 10/03/2018 12:52

It's not easy though I know. I struggle every day thinking 'should we have another'. But I know it wouldn't be for me.. it would be for a sibling for my baby and for other people. I'm going to try and focus on maximising life with one and like you, staying close to future cousins of our only.

happyguineapig · 15/03/2018 11:54

Me! I always thought I did.. then it was very hard with ds, then we had relationship problems, then things started getting better and easier and then it was even harder to contemplate a second, now I'm worried that the age gap will be too big and I'm too old ( 41 ) 6 years age gap .. and I feel sad that I didn't just go for it sooner but now I feel I've left it too late

PasstheStarmix · 20/03/2018 16:27

Hi @Osopolarx
Me and dh had a similar experience to what you describe. It’s tough isn’t it!?! We found the first year extremely trying especially the first few months. Ds is now 1 and I feel like my clock is ticking and I have to decide on whether I have a second soon. It makes it harder that ds loves other baby’s and toddlers and I feel it would benefit him to have a sibling. I know if I have another I’ll have to survive the first year with a toddler as well as a baby and would have to pray the second is an easier baby than ds was. You can’t get those guarantees though can you. My mind keeps going back and forth and I think about it every day.

PasstheStarmix · 20/03/2018 16:27

babies*

Original poster

Osopolar · 26/03/2018 20:43

It's very hard not to think about it a lot. I know that my reasons are very selfish though in that I would love multiple grandchildren and the odds are higher the more children I have. However it would be wrong to have a child for that reason I think, I would have to want the child for themselves and I just don't. DS is all I need, I just want lots of grandchildren

OP posts:

lht22 · 26/03/2018 20:51

I feel the same, I have a 6 year old and all my friends are finally starting to have children now. It's not feeling broody but feeling envious really. I've considered sperm donation (my husband died around 18 months ago) but I don't think I can manage the feelings around having another man's child.
My son would love a sibling but he understands why it's not possible.
to everyone who is struggling.

PumpkinPie2016 · 08/04/2018 11:03

I am in a similar position. My son is 4.5 now and going to school in September. He's great and I love having him - we are on Easter hols at the moment and I am enjoying pottering around with him and doing things together.

However, I had a really bad birth experience which finished up with an emergency section. Both me and DH found the first 28 months really, really hard - DS hardly slept, fought naps and was generally really hard work .

I feel like things are so much easier now - he sleeps well, eats well, can occupy himself for a while if I need to do jobs. I can take him out and it's nice e.g. park/library/shops/a cafe etc rather than it being such hard work like it was when he was smaller. I no longer have to put a pram about/sort bottles and he is toilet trained.

So, I have got.to the state where I couldn't imagine going back to the baby stages and all the hard work again and so we have decided not to have any more. I sometimes look at friends who have had or are having a second baby and feel a pang of sadness but it soon goes.

CockOffPostmanPat · 08/04/2018 15:03

We're halfway to being where you are op. Dd is almost 2, and wasn't actually a difficult baby, but I had hg and pnd and i sometimes don't think I've fully recovered from the pnd yet. I don't know that I can do it to myself, Dd and dh to have another one, but I never imagined having an only. I think about it all the time too.

Sorry for your loss @lht22

KtShez · 24/04/2018 11:18

Oh gosh we are in a very similar position. Also 39 with a 7 year old ds who very often asks when are we having a baby? Is there a baby in your tummy? He is a wonderful boy and would be a very caring and helpful sibling but fertility issues and age and currently being in a happy easy place marriage-wise is making us seriously consider options. I think the key is acceptance of this different version of my life to the one I had imagined with 2 kids. If I could accept it I could move on and enjoy life as a triangle , but I'm struggling to do that. Mother nature doesn't help once a month when she's shouting in my head to have another! Relieved to see others are having similar feelings. Fortunately ds has about 5 friends who are all only children too so it's normal to him. If only I could stop thinking if only!

ginyogarepeat · 25/04/2018 10:41

It's a constant struggle. One 5 year old here too, fertility problems since first married (DS was conceived via IVF). I've had one fertility treatment since and it failed. I have health issues that contribute to infertility and could be made worse after another pregnancy. We have a great quality of life the three of us and my marriage is good. BUT YET I still constantly toss and turn over the idea of another baby. It's not going to happen naturally so I think we'll probably have one more go at fertility treatment and if unsuccessful I'll have to come to terms with it. Or I could save myself the likely heartache (and cost!) and reconcile myself to the beautiful family I have! I think a lot of it is pressure we place on ourselves - every other child in DS class has a sibling, most of my friends have more than one, so it seems like the 'done' thing.

happyguineapig · 08/05/2018 20:10

I have been trying to focus on the positives of only having one child which has made me feel better but I do think you need to allow yourself some time to deal with the sadness of not getting what you wanted out of life ( or thought you wanted) and then count your blessings for what you do have . Counselling might help..

Original poster

Osopolar · 09/05/2018 12:04

Feeling much more positive about it recently, I think the good weather and realising how much easier it is to head for days out with just one has really helped. Love that when he is in the paddling pool I can sit and have a cold drink without having to sort out another child :)

OP posts:

happyguineapig · 09/05/2018 18:17

Good to hear ospolar

loopylass13 · 16/05/2018 16:18

My mum had me when she was 41 and had major long term health complications as a result - her siblings started dropping like flies once she hit 50 and so I grew up knowing every day could be her last. I hated knowing that I was going to lose her and get robbed of loads of years, especially comparing the ages of my friends parents to mine. It just freaked me out!!!

I made a decision not to any children past the age of 30, it has been sad knowing that I only have the one (who was a really difficult fuss pot lol). That I'll never be pregnant again, never breastfeed or co-sleep again - never create another beautiful weirdo. lol. I sort of envisioned a clan but that will never happen now, it will only always be "just us". But I can't bring myself to have another as 30 approaches because I don't want to worry about losing the years with a new child. I've had almost ten years with my first and only born, I know whatever happens I have secured who she is and I know her, sure of my love. I also know should anything happen that she will be taken care of and be safe, that there are funds available too.

I often think it is not fair but maybe there is an advantage somewhere, we have more freedom as aren't dragging a baby/toddler around. We can be devoted complete to DD's passions and I never have to split my attention/love. I feel blessed that I got to be a mother to one, even if it's never two, I got one and that can be enough x

candlefloozy · 08/09/2018 22:36

I have one and wanted about four kids!
Everything was fine until baby got to about two years and husband developed anxiety and was very very stressed at work. He had depression and anxiety and is now on medication. He is nothing like he used to be. He's better but still not the man he was. He says he can't handle having another baby and for a long time blamed our child for his anxiety. When really it was his job that was the trigger and she obviously hit terrible twos at the same time. I feel like I'm mourning the child I will never have.

happyguineapig · 09/09/2018 08:31

I think about it every day too. I am constantly second guessing myself.. thinking will we regret this in a years time when it's too late?

I wish I had an overwhelming urge for another baby but it scares me.. but as you say I would love another 3/4/5 year old and children when they get older

If I could guarantee that:-

We would conceive soon if we started trying with no m/cs
The baby would be healthy and only one baby!
My ds would be fine with the age gap
Our marriage would be ok and the baby would sleep sometimes ( unlike ds!)

I would go for it!

But there are too many unknowns and in all likelihood as I'm older there will probably be complications so I feel like I would be pushing my luck

I do feel sad that I haven't just got my courage to go for it though but it is too much of a risk

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