When a new baby comes along

[justanotheruser18]

My sister had a baby recently.
We are all so thrilled for them and the baby is beautiful and healthy.
Is it weird that my main thoughts are 'thank goodness that's not me?'
Does anyone else feel that way with new babies l, even if they are close family? I feel all.. YAY new life, you birthed that child you absolute hero, aw it's so tiny and perf, and the relief comes in a big wave.

I wonder if that feeling means I really won't have another child, that I'm done.

I am besotted with my DS, completely in love and fulfilled by him (he's under 1 still), but the more time passes, the more I know in my heart that I'll be happier, and our little family of 3 will be happier, if he's an only.

I definitely felt like that for at least 18 months after having my son. Then it started to change. Now I have 2 kids, and am starting not to feel like that again. I'm done though. I wouldn't survive the sleep deprivation a third time. You don't have to make a final decision right now, you can wait and see how you feel. But one kid... that's a lovely lifestyle. I love my daughter, I'm glad I had her. But I totally see how nice it can be to just have one.

I think I may experience what you did, come 18 months or so when the baby stage has passed. I guess there is no rush to decide. Thank you for being so lovely and understanding @HumpHumpWhale

I adore my dd and she has made my life better in so many ways. But I am so bloody relieved that I had no more, especially when I meet new babies. I didn't feel like that for a long time but now I cannot imagine having a second and the very negative impact it would have had on our life.

@Minestheoneinthegreen That is wonderful to read. How old is your DD? Do you know what changed your perception? Just time? How do you think Iife is easier with one? So many questions, sorry.

She's just turned 12.
It was a combination of things to be honest. Apologies in advance it this is long!!
I felt that I wanted more but with hindsight I wanted the Instagram life of the busy, lively family. In reality, I am not that kind of person and once I gave myself a kick I figured out that while I had enjoyed the girly nature of dd, if I had a second who was messy, boisterous or loud, i would struggle with that, it is not me at all.

There was also an element, and this will probably sound ridiculous, but when you have a baby, you are a bit less invisible. No one gives a shit that you have a 4 yr old. Dd was the kind of baby people looked at. I almost missed the attention when she got older. I am aware of how stupid that sounds and clearly got over it!

Once dd got to 3, 4 ish and the hard stuff got easier, so sleep, she was toilet trained etc I got very exasperated by having to still be limited by my friends who were on their second, third children and were still tied to tiny babies. I know that is unreasonable but years after I had done it, they were going through it and it made me very aware I did not want to go back to it.

And then things just got brilliant with me and dd really! Every new year, we write a list of all the things we want to achieve in the coming year and do them - places we want to go, things we want to do or see. We go to gigs together, we go on loads of holidays and are always planning fun stuff. I categorically could not afford it if I had more than one. We are very close- she has all my time and energy and is the most amazing company. I never think now "if only I'd had another" but rather "thank god I didn't".

Dd used to ask for a sibling when she was little - mostly because we don't know anyone else without one and also because she was an epic player with toys and I find it boring so was a poor playmate. Now she's older, she is pleased she doesn't as she is very aware she gets all my love attention and energy and also so many opportunities I couldn't extend to more than one. She isn't spoiled and she isn't lonely. She's a joy and I'm glad I don't have to divide my time with another one.

@Minestheoneinthegreen I LOVE this response. Thank you so much for expressing all these thoughts so brilliantly.

I completely get how it's easy to mistake wanting a big family with wanting the Instagram perfect busy life with lots of kids. I'm the same. I'd like to take the photos but I would not be able to cope with the reality.

Do you like the quiet sometimes? Do you have time for yourself, at home/work/hobbies?

It sounds like you have made a beautiful life for your lovely family. I like the idea of making an annual list of things to do together.

I had a traumatic birth and first few months with dd. For a long time I loudly convinced myself and anyone who would listen to me that I was ‘done at one’, and it was my decision.

It took me a lot of time, therapy, and losing a close relative to make me realise that time is short we don’t get any second chances, and that I wanted another but fear was holding me back.

So now my Dd will become a big sister at the geriatric age of almost 8!

I’m petrified. I’m excited but petrified. I’m very afraid of childbirth and of the forth trimester, but I’m so excited as I imagine my life stretching out ahead with two beautiful children to love and cherish.

But the biggest comfort is knowing that they will still have each other when dh and I are gone.

But I will definitely be ‘done at two’!!

Notaken congrats!

What made you go for it? I'm currently struggling with this decision and counselling is not helping!