Who has a big age gap after thinking they would just have one initially?

[Mrstumbletap]

Would love to hear experiences from people with an age gap of 4/5 years or more.

Did any of you think 'yes we are just having one' and then they start school and you start thinking. Hmmm maybe we should have another?...

I struggled with the baby stage a lot, and was determined to never go through that again. But I now realise looking back that it's 1-2 years of chaos and maybe in the grand scheme of things it's not that bad?

We have a 7 year gap between our two boys. We always wanted more than one but the gap ended up being larger than we though for a variety of reasons. I enjoyed the baby stage so much more with DS2 and got to be a SAHM for the year I was on maternity leave for DS1, and I loved it.

They're 10 and 3 now and they worship each other (most of the time!) The only real struggle we have is trying to keep DS2 out of DS1's way when he's doing homework. That - and days out. It's hard to find things that they will both enjoy so sometimes we'll take DS1 to museums and theme parks without DS2, and sometimes we'll do stuff together. DS1 understands that his quality time with us is after his brother has gone to bed and he's fine with that.

I was really upset towards the end of my pregnancy with DS2 because DS1 hadn't had to share us and was old enough to notice that we'd not be able to give him as much time and attention. What I couldn't see at the time is the relationship he'd have with his brother, watching them interact melts my heart.

I do look at my friends that have smaller age gaps and think it's more difficult with a bigger gap but the huge plus is that I don't feel like we're rushing through either of their childhoods as they're at such different stages so need different things at different times, if that makes sense.

I have an almost 4 year age gap (dd2 born 5 days before Dd1’s 4th birthday) ours was on purpose though, we were always going to have two but couldn’t afford two in childcare at the same time.

It feels like a big age gap to me and the thought of practically repeating the last 4 years is a bit daunting but on the other hand dd2 is a lot more easy going than her sister!

Dd1 has coped really well although dd2 is now on the move and can get to her toys the fighting has started already and she’s only 10 months. When she can properly get her big sisters toys I expect big fallings out!

I have a 15 year old, 7 yr old and 3 yr old. It's great - there is no jealousy or rivalry between them, we got to spend plenty of individual time with them before a younger sibling cane along and the older ones can help out with the little ones. They two younger ones play together really well and they both adore my teenager.

Interesting views, ellapaella would you say the 3 and 7 year old get on better than the 7 and 5 year old?

I have read many times on here that you should have the second because you want two children not because you want two children to get on really well as there is no guarantee they will.

Seriouslystumped when you say you think two closer together is easier than a bigger age gap, why is that? What is the hardest thing?

we were always going to have two but couldn’t afford two in childcare at the same time.

I have this with a nearly 7 and a 3 year old. And I don’t think it’s a large age gap at all. Is this the age gap you are thinking of OP. My two are both like little children at the moment. They play very nicely together and have a lot of the same interests. We don’t have problems with days out with this age gap. However, there are activities they can’t both attend because of age differences. For example there are activities at the zoo or park that have age brackets, or go ape and theatre shows that have minimum age. What we do is one parent one kid. Same as how we would handle birthday invites. If it’s something in the school holidays, then we only take DC1 and leave DC2 at nursery.

I have 18 years between mine - not the gap you were imagining I'm sure! That's the way life worked out.. Obviously their lives are completely different but they are very close and adore each other. Not that uncommon too as people have new relationships.

The two youngest play better together as closer in age but the 7 and 15 year old get on fine.. the 8 year age gap means they haven't ever really played much together as I guess it's just a bit too much of an age gap for that. They adore each other though. My sister has 4 children very close in age and while they can all play the same games etc there is a lot of rivalry and bickering between them! It would do my head in to be honest, I live the big age gaps between mine!

Love the big age gaps

8.5 year gap here. Each child gets lots of one to one and they adore each other.

With two closer together, you're "done"'with stages sooner but with a larger gap, you know you'll be going through it again a while later - potty training, starting school, GCSE's etc. Even little things like going to a restaurant where we can sit and have a conversation without one of us having to entertain DS2 to keep him happy (he has form for making meals out a nightmare), or being able to all go to the cinema together. I think I sometimes look at smaller age gaps through rose tinted glasses though because as a pp said, with a larger age gap they both get individual attention. I'm glad that DS1 was school age when DS2 came along because I got to do it all again. The "difficult" things are minor in the grand scheme of things though imo.

Me! I have a 9 year gap. My dd 11 and ds2! My dd was a really difficult baby, lovely b lut in terms of reflux and sleep etc. I had bad pnd. I swore I would be sticking with one. Then I hit 36, my dd was nearly 8 I got the most desperate broody feeling I'd ever had in my life. I wanted a baby so much I cried most days and posted on here a lot. So we went for it! Our son is adorable and that desperate broody worrying feeling is gone. By god its hard work going back to those sleepless nights after a huge gap! But they are very close and my daughter loves her little brother. The only tricky thing is finding activities they can both enjoy. I wouldn't change a thing just sometimes wish gap was a bit smaller maybe 7 years

These posts are very helpful.

Seriouslystumped yes my DS would be at school too so there would be a 6.5 year age gap. I knew it would have to be this way round though. I could never ever have coped with two little ones at the same time, I don't know how mums do it!

Lalaleona and wheelerdeeler How was it going back to nappies and sleepless nights? Was it horrendous? If you are honest did you ever think "why have I done this?". "Why did I go back?"

I'm so scared of having another and then regretting it and thinking, that was a mistake, I'm now a shit stressed Mum, i should have quit while I was ahead.

I won't lie I did have feelings like this, I thought omg what have I done, I'm too tired for this, felt guilty about less time spent with older dd but..after that first year it's so much easier. My older child has never once been jealous. Any difficult feelings I have had are not as bad as that all consuming feeling of needing another child. It's like an itch has been scratched if that makes sense! I can't pretend that it's all been easy but watching the kids interact and everything else makes it worth it. I honestly wouldn't change a thing.

5 years isn't a huge gap imo for me it was the perfect gap as i knew i didn't want baby/toddler combo ,

Oh good that makes me feel better, someone else thinking oh god what have I done?? I know I will think that.

Going back to nappies and weaning, and night feeds and changing bags aaahhh it seems like madness.

I had 3 children, 6, 10 and 11... then we had our surprise baby! She's 2 weeks old and I can honestly say going back to nappies/feeding/no sleep is really not that bad!!!!

Mrstumbletap it is fine honestly

I have 2 DSs with 5 year gap. I couldn't have done it any other way. DS1 was the most terrible sleeper and I had 2 years of PND.
Swore for years I'd never have another but came round to the idea as time passed and I recovered..
I always laugh when I remember telling DS1 there was going to be another baby. He was really fed up and said the new baby would cry all the time, smell of poo and take up all our time. Kind of perceptive for a 5 year old...

It's been great though - they are both kind boys - less sibling 'rivalry'/ squabbling possibly because there is such an age difference?
As a SAHM/ vv part time worker, it has meant a very extended step off the career ladder for me- affects finances/ pension/ prospects

Its the mental state of having to go through what I consider the hardest thing ever. Caring for a newborn. I find it all very very hard work, so tiring, relentless, repetitive.

I'm awful for thinking that, but I feel like I love my DS more with every year older he gets. When he was two I was thinking this is actually becoming fun, then when he was three I thought he was the best thing ever, and now at 4 he brings me so much happiness I'm thinking I want to do it again.

BUT it's the first year, it's so so so hard!

New borns are dull and relentless it is a constant state of urgh for weeks but it passes,but if you really don't want another baby then don't feel you have to

8.5 years between numbers one and two here. Course after having had to be talked into number two I ended up having numbers 3 4 and 5 each with a 2 year age gap 😂😂😂

4 year age gap between 2 DDs due to an annoying dalliance with breast cancer. HATED the fact I had to wait, felt aweful everybody else had small age gaps that were "perfect".

4 years has been an amazing age gap. DD1 loves "her" baby sister. Can understand the fact she needs my time, we can have grownup time with her after DD2 goes to bed or naps, no jealousy as they are very different stages.

Being back to babyland has been fine, it's a bit of a ballache with naps and weaning etc, but I honestly think this is an awesome age gap so far - DD1 at school so DD2 gets my full attention.

The baby stage goes so fast when your attention is split 2 ways, I've honestly enjoyed it much more this time!!

Swamptiggaa. Ha ha why?? What changed? Did you just think the second was easier? Did you have more confidence? Im intrigued!

Mrstumbletap I'm with you! I can't bear the early stages! I just had to suck it up and think of the long game though!

I split with my eldest child’s father when I was pregnant. He has never seen her or paid a penny which sort of put me off the whole baby thing. Plus she was always a fairly challenging child- very bright and wilful and generally hard work. I met my now DH when she was 3. A few years in he started to ask me if I would consider trying for another baby so eventually I agreed.

Number 2 was the most laid back and chilled baby ever. Plus I felt so much more confident and capable with him. Pretty much instantly decided to try again and number 3 arrived 2 years later. She was more like number one tbh 😂😂😂

Didn’t put me off so we ended up with number 4 2 years after number 3 and decided that was more than enough.

Number 5 had different ideas obviously and appeared just over 2 years after number 4.

They are now 24, 16, 14, 11 and 9 and get on really well. Currently got number 4’s friend staying over after a cinema trip last night 🙂