Judgy comments about my only child at family event, support needed.

[freshstart24]

I have posted about this already in chat but I've come to this board too as I would really appreciate some support (not that the previous thread wasn't supportive).

I have a 10yo only son. I'm no longer with his dad. We were unable to have more DC as I had a brain haemorrhage when I had DS and was strongly advised not to have more DC. Our relationship was also extremely rocky, not an environment to have more DC.

I now have a wonderful husband, and health issues not withstanding am way too far into my 40s to have more DC.

We were away over the weekend with a v large group of DH's family and their friends. In front of my son MIL made what I think were insulting comments about only children. She said the worst thing of all in terms of sibling groups is to be an only as they are 'lonely, bored and spoilt'.

DS was v upset. We snuck off together and in hindsight I can see that I should have challenged MIL right there. I was just so shocked at her being so insensitive in front of DS.

I had a chat with DS, we decided that some people have some odd opinions. Then I hid in the bathroom and fell apart. I told DH who was pretty annoyed but I asked him not to say anything to MIL as I didn't want a big fuss in front of the large group we were with (many of whom were part of her conversation, had laughed along).

DH understood but I'm sure he thinks I get too emotional about this, which is probably true.

The next evening one of MIL's friends made a negative comment about me having no siblings (not really true as I grew up with step siblings who I lived with full time until I was 17). It was in the context of me ducking out of what I felt was an overly aggressive card game. Apparently due to me not being able to 'take it'. This time I politely bit back, and said her judgements about only children were not necessarily true. Once again DS overhears. Then I snuck off because to my shame I knew I was going to fall apart again.

This time DH told them they were out of order.

I'm so sad this has happened. I need to find a way not to overreact, and not to fall apart over it.

IMO people should not judge about family size, or sibling position. I'm aware though, that whilst I do hate to hear other judgements, e.g. middle child syndrome, the only child stuff is the only thing that reduces me to a wreck.

DH said MIL and her friend wanted to apologise once he'd had a go at them. I'm sorry to say I asked him to tell them I'd prefer it wasn't mentioned again as there were 23 of us and I knew I would fall apart in front of everyone- further fuelling their conclusions about me being an oversensitive only child.

FWIW I had a great childhood as does DS. He is not more bored, lonely or spoiled than other kids. He has a good network of mates and hobbies. He's generally happy and funny and lovely. Who knows how different things would have been with a sibling- I've encouraged him to grab life with both hands and make the best of what you have.....I've also encouraged him to be kind and not to judge.

Sorry for the long post, I have no one I can talk this over with and it helps to get it all out.

Jeez, what on earth is up with them? Seems like very pointed comments. Is MIL generally a nice person and just wasn't thinking.

People have an awful lot of prejudice against onlies - have been astonished at the comments that have come my way about my DD.

It’s them. Not you.

But then I guess they haven’t been lucky only children.

These people sound horrid, sorry to say. The only children I know are extremely happy, secure and loved. They have high empathy levels and are mature and interact well with adults. There are advantages and Disadvantages to everything but there are certainly many significant advantages to being an only child.
Could you see these people less if they upset you so?

Thank you for the reassurance, and the comments about onlies.

MIL is not usually unpleasant. I feel she is more judgemental than me about a lot of things but she must think I'm just a bit weird, idealist and 'too nice'.

DH is very close to his family. They have always spent a lot of time together. He is a lovely lovely man, and has embraced DS in a way that I only ever dreamed of whilst fully respecting the bond DS has with his Dad.

In return I feel I have to do all I can to respect the closeness DH has with his family so cutting down contact would feel wrong.

I do.not wish to be harsh but it sounds like you are being very sensitive about this issue.
I totally get there are health issues deciding not to have further children. Plus it's nobody else's business if that's a decision you make for you and your family but you need to become stronger about having made that decision. Whether that's explaining why or having some ready come backs.
Do you think your MIL is making these comments as her son, your DH , won't be having his own biological children due to your decision. Maybe she is one of those women who think if the child is not biologically hers he/she is not her grandchild.

Just trying to see where she is coming from, not that I agree with her at all, which may ecplain and make you feel better that's it's her and not you.

Galaxy I agree with you to an extent. I do feel that the comments were wrong though, and my personal thought is that these incorrect judgements are where damaging prejudices can grow from.

I need to grow a back bone and not get so emotional about it. I've tried and failed but it is a work in progress.

It is possible that MIL feels some resentment about her DS not having DC of his own. The truth is that we met at 40, married at 44 and he has been quite clear all along that he feels he missed his chance to have DC and does not wish to have any now. This works for me in my situation. MIL may have different ideas though and I guess if DH has married someone younger he would have plenty of time to produce some biological grand children for MIL in addition to those she already has.

I'm not sure any of this is an excuse for making shitty comments infront of my DS though.

They sound very insensitive and rude but you do sound very over sensitive. 🤷🏻‍♀️. Are there other reasons why their comments upset you quite that much?

Obviously it would have been best if you could tell them at the time that you found their comments rude and upsetting.

The problem with your reaction (which I do understand is involuntary) is that your son might think that there actually is something wrong with being a single child. IYSWIM

BTW it is weird and really thoughtless that anyone thinks they can comment on someone being a parent of a single kid. One of my closest friends only has one kid. I've know her for 15 years and I've never asked why she only has one kid just as she has never asked why I have four.

Sounds terrible for you.

Fwiw I get mildly irritated when people say such things too, because I'm an only and I wasn't spoilt, lonely or bored. Lonely and bored don't get me too down because I'm naturally a loner and, well, bored isn't an accusation. Spoilt always gets me because I wasn't. I wish I was but unfortunately my parents were a bit neglectful in that department... my grandparents did their best (only grandchild too on one side too), but there still spoilt wasn't the word really.

In fact I relished being an only once I went to school because I didn't have to put up with more social interaction at home (I'm a loner as I said). Or people taking my things.

Actually I quickly became interested in adult things as an early teen. Just because I was surrounded by adults alll the time.

Sorry, posted too soon.

Don't let it get you down. In this instance people are commenting about things they don't understand. I always fell people that as well.

Whether you have one child ( I hate the expression 'only child' like something is lacking) through medical reasons or through choice, it is nobody's business.

It is obviously hitting a nerve, and i am very sympathetic to that, but my concern is that it is affecting you son, too. You need to stand up for him in his earshot so he knows there is nothing wrong with being sibling-free.

Have some comebacks up your sleeve and practise saying them to a mirror so they'll be easy to say if/when this happens again.

Idiot: only children are lonely, spoiled and bored.
You: I am none of those things and neither is DS. What's for lunch?

Idiot: aww, can't bear losing a card game? can't take it because you're an only child?
You: how thoroughly ridiculous. i'm leaving the game because you are rude. Anyone want a refill?

Btw we have one DS. He is far from bored, lonely or spolied.

Although there is still time, he is 6yo

MIL was being very judgmental and ignorant, and just plain wrong!!!!
I was in a similar situation to you, sort of an 'only' (older step-siblings) and then due to divorce, etc. one only child. Again like you, happily remarried and my second husband has been an amazing Dad. My child has grown up to be sociable, kind and extremely well adjusted. Likewise your boy. Please ignore - I bet MIL is feeling dreadful now - but she should engage brain before spouting this rubbish.

I agree I need to work on getting less emotional about this and setting a good example to DS by nipping the judgy comments in the bud.

I have to somehow not let it make me so emotional. At the moment I can't hold it back- but talking about it and thinking clearly is helping.

I need to practise the comebacks so they are stored in my brain.

I really really wish I could have reacted differently. I feel like a complete idiot and wish I had handled it better. I'm not usually a delicate person but MIL will think that I am now.

Daphne it's nice to hear from someone in a strikingly similar set up. I'm glad it all worked out for you and that you can fly the flag for well adjusted one child families!

I've never tried using it for myself, but your MIL does sound like the perfect recipient, on many occasions, for the MN comeback "did you mean to be so rude?"

Yes! I've read that so many times but for some reason didn't think of it.

I have to get better at standing up to people. It doesn't come naturally, I'm more of a 'go with the flow' person.

It will make me less popular to speak up, but I think it would feel good once I learnt the skill!

DH has said his mum wants to talk with him so she can "understand how she upset me do she doesn't do it again".

I'm very confused by this. How can she not know already. I guess it could have been such a throw away comment (to her) that she's forgotten?

It was only about 6pm so she can't have been drunk.

Also, never mind upsetting me- what about my son .