Lonely Only

[Needaduvetday]

My 5yo son is just unhappy. Obviously there are moments and events which he enjoys... but fundamentally he's unhappy. Never ever wants to just come home after school because he gets so bored, so I find myself relentlessly organising playdates as all he wants is to be with friends (don't get me started about school holidays...). He does 2 or 3 after school activities - physical ones - which he enjoys but only when another friend is doing it alongside. Its like his happiness depends on other kids - and he jealously shepherds his friends and has been known to keep them from playing with others. This week, a little girl in his swimming class who he also knows from school - not even really a friend yet, was late to arrive at the pool, and he cried his eyes out for about 20 mins thinking she might not turn up - refusing to come indoors, just standing at the entrance staring up the road for her. When she did show, he spent the whole lesson messing around with her and not concentrating on what he was meant to be doing. He then had a meltdown when he lost sight of her after class - she'd gone to shower - and then anxiously insisted we walk along with them afterwards. Thankfully the mum is very sweet and understanding... He's recently understood that some of his friends have siblings - and frequently says he wants me to make another baby and why doesn't he have anyone to go home with. Christmas was heartbreaking this year as he cried every evening saying he didn't want to be just him and grown ups. Im trying not to get paranoid that Im boring for him - I really make an effort to encourage creative stuff and indoor activities mainly at the weekend as theres no time in the week between school / playdates / meals. I admit Im crap at simply playing with him - his dads great at this but works full time. But I do make the effort to get him out of the house and socialising as much as possible. But it feels somehow unsustainable, like we're simply plastering over massive cracks and it really gets me down. I thought he'd be more relaxed about being an only once he was at school but in fact it seems to be emphasising his insecurity...

We didn't particularly plan on having an only, it just worked out that way and Im 45. We've even considered adoption but it feels wrong to do it with a view to 'fixing' our son...
Does anyone have any positive stories about miserable demanding onlies becoming wonderful well adjusted young people?! Or any advice? TIA

I'm really sorry I don't have any advice but I would say you have got to address his behaviour with other children (guarding friends) or he'll alienate everyone.

It all sounds very extreme. I have an only child who's had unhappy moments but she's relatively easily jollied out of it.

In a few years he'll be able to play out by himself, are there kids on the street or are you local to a playground/park?

Aah thanks for replying. We have tried to address this possessiveness - at the start of year 1 it alienated his best friends mum who promptly stopped all contact. This absolutely knocked my LO for six, it’s taken ages to settle down but with me persistently arranging play dates with other kids resulting in one close friendship, he’s less possessive & the mum has relented enough to allow the odd play date...
We do live in a fantastic street with a dead end & loads of similarly aged kids who will all play out in the summer. He even has a close friend across the street who we’ve shared walkie talkies with so they can ring each other from time to time.. but it’s never enough.

I think you're beating yourself up about him being an only child, he's clearly got some issues forming relationships but that isn't just because you haven't provided him siblings. I have a younger brother and when we were little he used to complain about what a small family we have (not many cousins, one set of grandparents etc). Speaking to my mum about this now, she said that as a child he was quite greedy for possessions etc and people kind of fell into this. As he grew up he just had a massive circle of friends (still does), and is still quite a restless person but very happy and lovely. Even if he had a sibling now it would be a long time before they could play together and this certainly might not solve the problem.

It sounds like you're doing an absolutely amazing job and he's very lucky to have you. I think you'd be better focusing on why he might be behaving like this and trying to manage his behaviour rather than feeling guilty about something you can't change.

I'm sure he'll grow out of it anyway! X

I think he knows that you feel guilty about this and it is exacerbating his behaviour/ he is using it to get attention/ you are linking it. Dd had issues at exactly that age with a friend being possessive and he wasn't an only, just a tiny little boy who had social skills in line with being only 5. He has grown out of it BTW and is now a far nicer friend aged 9!

I think as tired says you need to drop the guilt and concentrate on developing him and managing his behaviour.

The I think in your situation I'd be doing the reverse. Stop the play dates until he was a bit happier playing solo (actually solo without your intervention), sign him up for a club that he doesn't know anyone at. That kind of thing.

Check transitional/anxiety issues too. Instead of clinging to people, try having a small key ring soft toy toy/comforter/fidget in his pocket he can stroke/guarantee is there

Most of the DC siblings I know who are close enough in age to be playmates don't actually play nicely together much, they squabble, and/or play separately.

I think your DS feels insecure about his friends, and is perhaps bored when alone because he doesn't entertain himself well (which is a skill he needs, not fixable by providing constant playmates.
He has got the idea that a sibling would solve his unhappiness, because to his 5 year old mind, it would mean constant entertainment, but no sibling is ever that really.
He may feel better once he can read, and enjoy stories without an adult, but perhaps drop in a few anecdotes about how brothers and sisters don't always get along, and have to share all their treasured belongings...
I wouldn't stop doing play dates as has been suggested, I think that would be quite cruel. Helping him learn to be happier by himself doesn't start with cutting him off from what makes him happy now

At 5 my son was more upset at being an only child. At 7 he still gets lonely. Like you weekends and holidays are a strain. And I hate him being just stuck with us. But it is getting easier. We are about to love house. But rather than just choosing a house. I'm having to also look for one in an area where there are other kids too. I'm lucky where I don't need to work. So I do say to other mums at school that if they want a break and for there son to come over and play then they can come back with us! If he wants to play with a kid and they are not in he gets really upset! And he hates being home. It will get easier as they grow up more. Maybe seek out other mums and see if other kids want to come back for dinner or something. It is hard. I'm 39. Always wanted more children have been trying for 4 years and nothing and all my son wants is a brother or a sister. It is so hard as it seems he's the only child in his year who has no sibling x

Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to write...
baby brain my son has loads of only child peers (London- loads of older mums I guess) and they seem happy & well adjusted unlike mine so maybe it’s just a personality thing?

I hope this doesnt come accross the wrong way but does he have any pets? Maybe a dog would be a good companion and another hobby for him? Apologies if that sounds daft or insulting. I have a dog and I dont know where I would be without her ..she has kept me company through some very lonely times, she amuses me and I love looking after her

I had a second child, unexpectedly when the first was 6. So for well over 5 years DS1 was an only and we wanted it that way. I have to say, gently, that his behaviour esp the swimming bit sounds extreme and I would be trying to get to the bottom of it. And I agree, I would stop play dates. You don’t need to constantly find him things to do. I am an only child and one of the things I do best is that i am self sufficient and learned to entertain myself. DH who has a sibling really struggles with this as an adult. It’s a VERY good skill to have in life.