I didn't want this and I'm so sad :-(

[one2three4five]

We have one DS who is five in two weeks, and have been trying for another baby for almost three years. We've been under the fertility clinic and had various tests etc, and were told on Friday that realistically, our chances of conception without IVF is less than 5%. We can't afford IVF, and adoption isn't an option, so we're at the end of the road.

I don't know how to process this information. I know I'm really lucky to have my DS, but I'm still so sad, this isn't the life I pictured for myself. It feels like someone is missing and that my family is not complete. I just keep crying and then feeling guilty that I am crying because I have a DS already.

I don't know how to accept this? We have a tiny family, DS has no siblings, no cousins, and one uncle, that's it. I'm so sad for him, what happens if he doesn't have a family of his own, when me an DH have gone he'll be so lonely. I have all these 'what if' scenarios in my head, and none of them lead to him or me being happy. He's the only child in his class with no siblings, and he's desperate for one, he's always saying to me that he thinks I've got twin babies in my tummy.

Sorry, this is a self indulgent whinge. I wasn't sure where to put it, I felt bad putting it under infertility as I do have a child and I thought it would be insensitive. Has anyone been in this position and come to terms with it?

You are perfectly entitled to feel how you feel no need to apologise!

If your son has no family he can still have lots of friends, pets, etc. I have a sibling who is fine but we hardly ever speak, it would make little difference to whether I feel lonely or not (I don't).

Why not adopt

It's an option made no by you .... any particular reasons

I hear you.

DS is a similar age and no close cousins, and I also wanted a big family.

After a year of failed IVF we’ve accepted that this is our family now.

I’m a couple of months down the line to you and have been trying to focus on the future now that we’ve accepted the way of things.

It’s tough tho. I have nearly 6 years of his clothes which is thought we’d reuse to sort out.

Be kind to yourself and please give yourself time to grieve.

Op I am an only child. I had a happy childhood with loving parents who I have been extra close to my entire life.

I understand that this must be hard on you. I am so sorry you have to go through this but if you grieve, grieve for your own wishes because being an only child can often be a wonderful thing. Having two people who adore you and are there for you is amazing. I come from a very big family but I rarely see family members. I have made my own family with close friends.

I hope you find peace with your circumstances but please don’t worry about your DS being an only child, it really can be a lovely life to lead.

gg1234- Adoption is not an option because we wouldn't be approved. We would LOVE to adopt. I'm not sure what you mean when you say 'it's made a no by you,' but if you mean that I've decided it's not an option for me then that isn't true. We don't meet the strict criteria.

It is my biggest regret that we left it too late to have a second child. I would beg steal or borrow to have a go at IVF if I was in your shoes.

What's the adoption criteria?

Thank you for the kind messages. It's nice to hear that I'm not just being silly.

We have lots of pets, and will soon be adopting another dog, which I do believe is nice for DS, but I just feel that he misses the company of another child.

I think my sadness is also not helped by the fact that DH was an only child and hated it, and now has a strange relationship with his parents. Also the fact that I am really close to my brother, and I can't imagine my childhood without him in it. I feel sad for my DS that I can't provide him with the sort of childhood that I had. Also the fact that I'm just so desperate for a baby. We have a five month old kitten, and he's become like a surrogate baby to me, it's a bit odd!

I guess it will just take time to accept it. It feels silly being so upset over something that doesn't exist? I feel like I'm grieving, which seems strange because it's for a hypothetical child.

I'm absolutely not putting you under pressure to consider adoption, because it's not for everyone, but are you sure you wouldn't be approved?

The criteria these days are really very flexible and I'd struggle to think of anything bar criminal offences that would definitely rule you out straight away.

Chocato- If the chances were higher then we would, but the consultant said our chances with IVF are around 40%. It's an awful lot of money (that we don't have), to throw at something with only a 40% certainty. We could borrow £7000 to pay for it, and end up paying it back for the next ten years with no baby at the end of it. If we had it then I wouldn't think twice, but we don't.

The reasons why I am fairly certain we wouldn't be eligible for adoption are-

1. We don't have a spare bedroom. Any potential adopted child would have to share with DS.
2. We have quite a bit of debt. We are managing it, but it is unlikely to be paid off fully for approximately 10 years. However I feel that we would be deemed to be financially insecure.
3. There is a possibility that our DS has ASD, and we are awaiting an assessment.
4. I have struggled on and off with anxiety issues, which are documented on my medical records, which I believe are looked at when you wish to adopt.

Taking your issues in turn:

1. We don't have a spare bedroom. Any potential adopted child would have to share with DS. *sorry, yes, this is pretty immovable and I'd forgotten. Is it going to be like this forever though? You'd have probably have had to move when any pair of biological children were older.
2. We have quite a bit of debt. We are managing it, but it is unlikely to be paid off fully for approximately 10 years. However I feel that we would be deemed to be financially insecure. Not necessarily
3. There is a possibility that our DS has ASD, and we are awaiting an assessment. Doesn't necessarily rule you out. Can show that you can deal with special needs and adversity
4. I have struggled on and off with anxiety issues, which are documented on my medical records, which I believe are looked at when you wish to adopt. They're looked at but it definitely doesn't rule you out, as long as you can show how you've dealt with them. I had anxiety and depression on and off for years and adopted DD is sleeping upstairs right now

Anyway, not putting pressure on you, just all things worth considering. The MN adoption board is a good place to ask questions if you ever wanted to look into it more.

Please don’t feel you have to justify why adoption isn’t right for you. It’s often touted as the obvious solution to expand your family and there are many reasons why it’s not right for everyone, including existing birth children and potential adoptive children.

The only, only children (now adults) I know are the most sociable people I've met with a big network and loads of interests and hobbies and they talk about great childhoods having made loads of friends and still had a strong small family unit on top of that. They've never felt like they missed out on anything that bigger families have.

You have every right to grieve for your hopes for the future but I'm sure your child will not be missing out.

Rain- That's interesting to hear that points 2, 3 and 4 are possibly not outright no.

Sadly the room situation won't change for a while. We had a larger house with a spare room, but sold it so that we could downsize and deal with our debt more efficiently. I We stupidly assumed that we'd have another biological child, and that it would be okay as they could share for a good few years (possibly forever if we had another DS). What we didn't anticipate was fertility problems. I further complicated things by changing career a couple of years ago and taking a big pay cut, which means that our debt management is going to take longer than originally anticipated. So basically, we're stuck in this house until our finances drastically improve!

This is very similar to our situation. We had ds with the help of ivf,then went to have 2 rounds of unsuccessful ivf 3/4 years later. It was really difficult to come to terms with. That was 3 years ago and I think I'm nearly there on accepting (begrudgingly) that there won't be any other children for us. It's hard because you feel guilty wanting another child , when some people don't have any.
I had some counselling, which helped and then it's just the old cliche of time. Be kind to yourself, it is a grieving process, just take a day at a time. Xxx

1000- I'm sorry to hear that your situation is similar. Good to know that you're coming to terms with it. I know what you mean, I feel awful for being so sad when a lot of people would kill to be in my shoes. I just wanted one more

When I read your OP I found myself wondering if you have anxiety issues - as a fellow sufferer I recognise the symptoms. You are doing the absolutely classic "what if" thinking, travelling decades into the future and trying to figure out the answer to questions that don't even exist yet (except in your own head). Anxiety is horrible because it makes you feel as if you urgently have to work things out right now, but the truth is that there's nothing to work out at the moment. I honestly think also that this anxious state is not a good time to make decisions such as adoption.

Can you just allow yourself to be sad and to grieve, just for the moment? Feelings come and go but it's good to try to feel them fully as much as possible. As the PP said counselling can be great for this. Try to bring yourself back to the present: at the moment you are jumping back and forth between past regrets and future panic and that is so exhausting! The truth is that you've done nothing wrong and you don't have to fix anything. Try to be gentle on yourself. This stuff is hard.

Yes, I do struggle with anxiety unfortunately. Which is one of the reasons why I don't think adoption is an option for us, firstly I don't think we'd be approved as anxiety is all over my medical notes, but also I'm not sure that I'm really capable of dealing with such an emotional and invasive process. We would love to do it, and don't want to rule it out forever, but for now it isn't likely to be possible.

I am the Queen of 'what if!' I can catastrophise a situation beyond belief. I always thought I'd make a good risk assessor or something!

I guess I just need time to get used to the idea that my family is and always will be what it is now. It's just really hard. Everyone around me is having babies, and I'm always being thrust a baby in my arms with a comment along the lines of 'Here you go, you must be broody!' My husband and I were in a cafe a few weeks ago and I was holding my friends baby, and a lady came over and said what a lovely family we make and how much the baby looks like my husband. We just laughed it off and said he wasn't ours, but it just really hurts that it never will be us again. I'm really struggling to accept it. We have a lovely small family, with lots of pets, so our house feels busy, but I can't help but feel like there is someone missing and that my family isn't really complete. We're adopting another dog soon, which will be lovely, but it doesn't replace my need for a human baby.