Can't stop thinking about this

[Fortunatepiggy]

I've agonised over whether to have another child for a couple of years. Ds is 4.5 and I'm 40 so crunch time. Had a big discussion last week with dh and we both decided that if we really wanted another we would have had one by now. We are happy with our lot and are very lucky that ds is happy healthy etc. Having another roll of the dice could lead to all sorts of issues given my age and life will be much easier if we don't. Dh said he felt a bit sad about it but it was probably the right decision. I said I felt a bit sad too and dh said we could look at it like not right now rather than no if that would help. But we both know that delaying any longer is really a no.

So I thought I would feel better and stop thinking about it. I've got all the baby stuff ready to sell etc but I am still thinking about it every day. Worrying whether this is the right decision or whether we will regret the decision in couple of years when it really will be too late ( might already be too late but we don't know as haven't tried)

Anyone else felt like this ?

Going to throw myself into decluttering to try and stop my brain going into overdrive!

I think it sounds like you've already made your minds up that you won't have another. You said you're both happy with how things are, why change that?

It's totallypossible to know that it's the right decision, and still feel sad about it. My DH is off "to the vets" (in his words) next month. We have one nearly six year old, and nearly two year old twins. We're both pushing 40, and my head knows our family is complete (money is tight, our house is too small, our age etc). But I do feel really sad that I won't ever have another baby, and my heart and hormones long for another one.

So I completely understand how you feel.

If you're both feeling that way though, is it worth one last conversation? The "not right now" decision leaves you both in limbo. Whereas the "let's give it one final go" decision would draw a line under it.

Sounds like you both want another. Otherwise your discussion would have stopped everything going round in your head.

Personally I would just try for another and don't overthink it. It might not happen anyway.

(I had my DD at almost 44 so upwards of 40 does not seem like an impossible age to be having a second to me).

Life will be easier if you don't. Why is that? What will be harder for you? I feel like you've just told us part of your feelings. I'm just wondering if it's normal worrying about having a second or if there's more to it. My mum had my sister at 40. Normal pregnancy and doesn't seem weird to our family at all. When we were kids we weren't aware of having older parents and as adults we're all really close.

Having more than one child is obviously harder and for me it was a bit of a shock to the system initially but we're settled now and life is much like it was before with one.

I can't help but feel like you've made your choice for the other person but neither of you really want to say no.

I am happy with how things are. But I worry that I won't be in 5 years time and I will regret my decision when it's too late.

We've struggled over the past 4 years as we both have demanding jobs and no family to help. Ds was a terrible sleeper until last year and our relationship suffered as did my career.

Things are now getting much easier, we have more time to ourselves, ds sleeps better, my career is back on track. Our marriage is better.
So if we did have another it would throw all this out again along with the worry about how it will affect ds and us if the baby has health issues or its twins

Thanks for your thoughts

I agree it sounds as if you both want another. I always longed for a brother or sister but was an only one. But looking back I was really quite happy being an only. It's a matter for two people to decide. Go with your inner desires rather than all the practical issues and what ifs. And I'm usually quite a cautious person.

I was a very happy only child but have felt lonely as an adult.

Dh has said that if I really want another we can try. But the problem is I don't know what I want!

Health issues or twins are not that likely.

But have a think about worst case scenarios and whether you are willing to take the risk. Versus the regret of never trying.

Even if you do want another child there is no guarantee that you can have one.

I think we all get lonely as adults - and I'm one of 5! I did go through a phase or wanting a twin though. It passed!

I know fekko

So do I protect myself from trying and it not happening or do I leave it to fate and try ...

It sounds like you've made the decision based on lots logical reasons, none of which overcome the deep desire to have another child as that isn't particularly logical. You are also partly protecting yourselves from trying and it not happening.

The reason I had a second was partly because I knew I would keep thinking about it. That worked for us, but I can't promise it will for you.

I do think I will keep thinking about it. Does that mean I will genuinely regret my decision or is it just the fear of missing out on something that could have been great