I'm failing as a mum

[Getuhda348]

Hi I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place but here goes... I have one son who will be four near xmas. Me and dh want another however I'm (tmi) 'not ovulating often so the chances are slim. Straight after my son was born my dh had a breakdown. i didn't go to many baby groups when ds was born as I couldn't leave dh alone due to suicidal thoughts. I was also suffering post natal depression which I didn't get treated for a long time due to the circumstances. Fast forward to when I was able to take ds to playgroups. He struggled immensely and was referred for help. He has now got through the issues he had. My trouble is there's only one group for his age in my area which he attends but it's an active one so not time to chat arrange play dates and it's not that friendly anyway. I have one friend to play date with and that's it. He can go weeks in the holidays without playing with children unless I take him to the park etc. I feel like I've let him down. I see other mums putting things on social media where there's big groups of kids playing together and it makes me realise even more so how isolated we are. I try my best to make friends my I suffer with anxiety myself. I feel like with other people I'm pulling teeth trying to get them to play date and it hurts. I've stayed awake all week crying over this. I don't want him to feel isolated but also feel like I've run out of options.i don't really know what I want to get out of posting, just to get it of my chest I suppose.

Hi, can he not access free hours at nursery? That way he gets time to socialise and you get some much needed time out too?

First, calm down.
Second, are you accessing early education, and if not, why not?
Third, which region are you in? Because a lot of areas have activities that aren't listed in places you may suspect.

On another note where are you based? What about trying the meet up section on here or there's another group I found a while back where you can post/access meet ups in your area mummysocial.com.
Finally, have you had any help for your anxiety? My local health authority are quite good at providing help for mental health issues. Try not to be too hard on yourself, you've had a really tough time. When your little boy starts school he'll soon make friends and if there are any issues then school should have support in place, I know ours does 💐

Thank you for your responses. He's in nursery for three hours a day but they said he's a 'loner' there. He comes home and says when he plays in one area the kids leave that area. I asked the teachers and they said they would encourage more socialising. He's a lovely boy too and I don't say that through a mothers eyes I promise! With it being the six weeks he does really have anyone to play with. I've tried mummy social in the past but there was nobody in my area. I haven't tried the meet up board on here (I didn't realise was one) so thank you I will try that. I did go to my doctor for help last year but he gave me tablets and when I explained they didn't help they just made me tired he wanted to up the doesage?! I didn't go back and just muddle through on my own. I've tried the local surestarts, leisure centres, churches etc. It all seems to be for under three or 7+. I've only found one more thing which is a music class however he still has sensory issues and he couldn't cope with the noise. They did have summer camp at school but they was 4+. Every holiday I worry about him being alone with just me. I know my anxiety probley makes the problem worse in my head. I just remember feeling lonely growing up and I don't want him to ever feel that way

Is there anything in place at nursery regarding his sensory issues? I know some children have echp's at nursery which should mean they are meant to be addressing his needs. Do you think he is behind socially? Could you speak to GP about it? I also think you need to speak to another GP about your mental health, they obviously didn't listen to which is a real shame.
I'm sorry for all the questions too, not trying to interrogate you

Not at all thank you ginger nut. He was signed of from special help as it doesn't effect his everyday life. They said we can go down the route of getting a specific sensory diagnostic but it will take over a year and they didn't seem to be bothered by it. He didn't start talking until just recently because of his sensory issues. He can now speak full sentences but id say he missed out on around a years social skills. He does try though bless him. He asks if people want to play with him and try's to join in games but I've seen the other kids at nursery leave him out, the teachers said he seems to give up and goes off on his own. I don't really know how to help him there because he's doing what I'd suggest to him. I. Thinking I'm going to have to go back to the doctors, it's a six week wait reguardless, he very much put me off going back

What are the nursery teachers going to do to encourage socialising? Do they have any thoughts for things you could do at home to help him learn about being social?

You're not failing as a mum. You are trying to help your son, that's not failing.

Have you looked at that meet up app for mums? Mush is the name of it. I've never tried so I can't say if it's any good. Could be worth having a look to see what you think.

And with regards to other people's photos of Facebook, have you ever heard that saying 'don't compare the inside of your life to the outside of other lives'. You're only seeing a certain version of people's lives on FB.

I love this website I'm always linking to it It has some nice ideas about use my play to help children work through /practise difficult experiences.

The article I've linked to suggests playing games where the child is allowed to feel powerful while you pretend to be weak or clumsy etc. It's nice for them to experience things from a new perspective. I've done something similar with DS when he was getting 'hitty' with me and DD. I pretend he is very strong and can push me over, he's only one but he finds it hilarious and has stopped hitting. Or maybe you could beg your DS to play with you and pretend to cry when he won't (or you pretend he won't) just make sure it is very obvious your 'crying' and pleading is fake.

I hope you find a way for you both to feel happier about this.

Thank you for your replies. The teachers have said they are encouraging him to play with the other children but that's all that's being said. When they go back I'm going to request a meeting, as lovely as they are we get told different things by the two teachers. You are very right about facebook, I've being going on less so I don't see as much. Thank you for the link to the sites I will look all these up . Ive decided to look at it more positively and have as much fun with him as possible so he's not thinking about not playing with other children

You've been through a lot these past few years so please be kind to yourself. You're not failing, you're actively doing the most you can for your son. You had a very stressful start to motherhood - living with a suicidal partner and caring for a newborn while you were at your lowest must have been hell, yet you're coming through it and you're stronger and more resourceful than you give yourself credit for.

We all worry about our children and just want them to be ok. It can feel very overwhelming to face the same issues in motherhood as you faced in childhood. Your feelings are natural, it's just a matter of learning how to manage them. Your son is still very very young and his social development (as well as that of his peers) is very immature. Children his age and beyond are all still working out how to interact with each other and it's possible that the slight delay in his speech development may have affected his confidence. There is plenty of time for him to change and develop so try not to think the worst.

I work in early years education and I have to say I am slightly appalled by your son's nursery teachers. I would never label a young child as a "loner" - it's a dreadful term and their feedback to you has been unhelpful at best. If his keyworker feels that he needs help with peer socialisation, she should have a plan in place to support him. I had a child like that and I would set up play situations for him with just one other child, usually a boy of the same age with a gentler personality and get them to work together eg build a tower or a train track. He was highly uncomfortable to start with but gradually his confidence increased. He has left us for school now but he has come on leaps and bounds and now has a group of buddies and is even quite boisterous. It's all about adapting to the child, doing things at their pace and so that they don't feel there's anything wrong with them.

Please don't dismiss the time your son has with you over the summer. Enjoy it as much as you can and focus on talking to him and having fun with him. Don't make peer socialisation the aim of everything- just find nice things to do with him - park, museum, library, swimming pool and enjoy his company. His speech will improve the more you interact together and his confidence will improve if he can just enjoy spending time with you with no pressure. If he happens to interact with another child then great, but if not don't worry - he will learn most of his communication skills from his interactions with you. If he has a mum who accepts him and adores him and gives him the space to just be himself, his confidence will steadily grow.

Oh gosh poor you

If it's any consultation I felt like this as well - not only at one point did we have an only child but we also didn't have any family or friends near by - no grandparents, no cousins or friends children and no general kids in the street and I felt SO guilty especially during nursery holidays that he would be missing out as most people I knew had 3 kids and loads of family in the end we just paid for DC to go to private nursery year round but shorter hours

However truthfully he didn't really miss out because he himself became popular amongst his peers and made his own friendships I think in time when your DC is at school properly friendships may form and your DC may enjoy some after school activities and perhaps extend these interests at holiday camps when not at school and before you know it this will make your DC v busy!!

The only thing we do slightly regret is not joining a church as I do think this is a good way to broaden your social network and meet people and especially other people with younger children somehow we just never did it

If there is a more specific issue around concerns for autism or other issues relating to socialisation that is a different thing but if you are feeling isolated and lonely on your DC behalf I do think this may well change once DC is at school

Would also say at one point I had days with my DC on my own and I would find going out somewhere (park /shopping/ class/swimming) just generally made an improvement to MY mental health - as it's very isolating to be the parent in this type of scenario especially if like me you live in a stepford wives type village where it seems to be full of the same type of perfect families endless children and extended families to call upon whenever they need them

You need to be kinder to yourself

Finally I do think (and perhaps it's just me) that it is hard to initiate play dates from attending the same preschool actuvity class or nursery as someone - often people don't spend enough time to get to know each other at classes and tbh play dates with preschool children can be hard work and many people with more than one child simply will not bother with them at all until the child begins school so I wouldn't beat yourself up about anything