Feeling sad at our decision to not have more children

[MaryThorne]

We have an amazing almost 4 year old DS. I have always wanted another but my DH less keen (he wasn't bothered about having children but knew from the start of our relationship that I was) - I had a MMC at 12 weeks in May and assumed that we would try again. My DH finally summoned the courage to tell me that he doesn't want any more children. He really struggled with the baby and toddler stage and didn't enjoy it and, as he rightly says, we did grow apart as a couple. He is concerned that our marriage wouldn't survive having another baby.

Things are good now, it would be tough to go back to the baby stage and there are lots of things we can do with DS now he is getting older. DH said he didn't want to impose the decision on me and it should be a joint one but it feels like not wanting another child trumps wanting one. I am trying to think of the positives but am at the stage of feeling very sad about the loss of something I had hoped for and am trying my best not to resent my DH for this. DH seems like a weight has been lifted from him since we spoke and more like the man I married than he has seemed in some time.

Not sure what anyone can say but I'm hoping that writing it down will help me process how I am feeling and move on. Does anyone else have experience of being in this position?

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If the decision has been made then keep busy, do as many happy normal things as you can and eventually you will move on.

Ropsley thanks - that sounds like sensible advice. We had plans with friends on Sunday afternoon and I was dreading it because I just felt like crying but actually I was glad of it as it took my mind off things and I felt much brighter for being around them!

I'm sorry to hear that your dh doesn't want the same thing as you and about the mc. I have the opposite problem in that we are both very on the fence about having another. My dh is very happy as we are but will have another if I really want another. The problem is I don't know what I want. DS is 4 I am 40 so may have already run out of time but I keep swinging back and forth between decisions. I don't want to regret not having another child when I'm 45 and whilst I cannot imagine loving another child as much as my ds I am sure it would be fine...but at the same time life is getting easier,we can give more both financially and mentally to our ds if we stick at one, I have a good career, we have no family support locally. Dh and I really struggled after having ds and I worry about miscarriages health issues because of my age and even twins! I also am an only and turned out ok I think with no recollection of feeling lonely and am v close to my parents. So on paper there are more cons than pros but I still feel like I can't close the door on it and sell all the baby stuff. I feel a bit like I am subconsciously making a decision by not making a decision iyswim so that it will be too late and then I will not have had to decide. I'm sure you ( and us if we stay as a three) will be a very happy close unit so maybe focus on the positives there. Hugs x

Hi Mary, I think writing it down really helps. I have a diary which I'll prob never read again but it helps to process my thoughts. We're in the same position as Fortunate. .both on the fence and I can't bring myself to get rid of DS's clothes although we have sold alot of baby stuff. After 2 years trying (admittedly not that hard) I've resigned myself to it not happening. We had DS at 41 and I'm now 45 and lately my cycles have gone mental in that i have raging ovulation symptoms. .cramps, fertile mucus. It's exactly as if my body is screaming out 'right this is your last chance!' but like with DS something makes me not want to ttc as there are so many risks. My age, not much money, etc. Having one is lovely in that we can concentrate on him and we won't have to go through all the birth and no sleep thing all over again! I'm a great believer in leaving it to nature/ fate etc. .what will be will be. There are so many positives to having one and alot of people say they wish they'd just stuck to one.. Especially those with 3!! Good luck whatever happens xx