Do we really want a second child?

[zannary]

We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter who is such a lovely little girl, she's polite, intelligent and friendly. She gives us all the love we need and we feel so content with just having her. However we have that niggling feeling that we "should" have another and her being an only child would be selfish!
Child care is a fortune, we both work full time and don't have a lot of help from family.
We are fortunate that we have a nice house and nice things but we don't have a lot of disposable so we don't get to book lots of lovely holidays and go out to nice places all the time.
My company doesn't pay out maternity so I can only claim statutory which is terrible compared to what I usually earn.
Basically there's more cons of having another than pros.
I would love to hear about other peoples choices and experiences of having one child and whether they wish they had another!

Didn't want to read and run. Not much to offer by way of advice as we've only just made the decision not to have another child. For what it's worth both my parents were only children and felt very happy and loved growing up.

My sis had a really bad pregnancy and decided only to have one child. She is lovely, well-adjusted, not spoiled and has lots of friends and other family. My other sis has two children who still cannot get on in their teens (17 and 15) and who are less socially adjusted than the only child. You sound happy - I would do what's right for you. I'm pregnant now and only having one. My sis's advice is to expose an only child to nursery early on as the socialisation stands them in good stead (however, I'm not a mum yet so ...)

I have been trying to decide for at least a year and I may well have run out of time because I'm 40! I am 90 percent sure we will stick with ds who is 4 and things are getting so much easier but there is a part of me that hasn't completely closed the door on it and I feel a bit sad about it.

No answers I'm afraid I wish someone could wave a magic wand and tell me what I should do as for the life of me I can't decide!

I had a second child and in all honestly I feel like it's stretched me a little past my capacity as a mother? Don't get me wrong, I love my second child and wouldn't be without her for the world, but I do feel like I'm not nearly as good a mother to two as I was to one. It is getting easier as they get older, but it's been quite hard for me to deal with, mentally as well as practically.

Thank you for all your advice.
My DD has been going to nursery since she was 1 and is very sociable with the other children. She is very good and sharing and loves playing with her cousin who is 6. My partners sister has 4 children and 1 on the way but doesn't work, never has and is the same age as me (30) she just lets them run riot. I believe it isn't possible to give that many children enough attention each to help them develop into quality adults but that's my opinion.
My only worry is that I never had the opportunity or want to go to "mummy groups" so I don't have people around me with young children for her to play with but I'm sure as she gets older and goes to school we may find it easier to interact with other families so she can make good friends.
When the time comes we would be more than happy to have her friends over to play, sleep over etc.

I had a terrible pregnancy and birth was just as bad. It's not something I wish to repeat but if she had a sibling that she loved and filled her life with things we can't provide them I would do it but as many of you have said you can't guarantee they will get on with each other!

I wish I had a crystal ball that could show me how both options would turn out so I could make the right choice!!

This was me a few years ago... I had another
Thought I would regret not more. Hard one though, but I hope they will have a lovely relationship astatus they go through childhood.

One of the most wonderful things about having a second is watching that bond grow between the two (hopefully!). Mine are now 10 and 6 and the very best of friends, which is lovely. Of course it is a lot more work having a second, but with an age gap of 4 years I felt a little of what it is like to have an only and we felt that there was too much attention and focus just on the one, and the dynamic didn't feel right for me. That said, I think I'm at my maximum parenting capabilities with two! 😂

BTW I do think it possible to give 4 children the attention and childhood they deserve, but it requires a lot of work and organisation - just responding to one of your comments as I have a few friends with 4 kids who are doing an amazing job of it.

I have ds2 who is 10 weeks and I am finding it utterly hard work. I don't regret it, but I certainly am not enjoying life right now. He's got reflux, he doesn't sleep at night really, or nap, and my relationship with ds1 has dramatically changed. And not for the better. I'm hoping it will all improve with time, but right now it's bloody, bloody tough. I agree with a lot of what I suppose says. I just feel mentally, emotionally and physically just a bit too far stretched at the moment.

I desperately wanted a second child but it did not happen for several years. I had occasion to reflect on that proverb "be careful what you wish for, you might get it" many times since my second child was born. She is fabulous and adored but it is completely different having two to having one. The benefits seem to be all for the second child though I am lucky in that my two adore each other despite the huge age difference. My elder child is involved in competitive sport, drama and dance and I realise I am not as free to sport and encourage (and pay for) as much as if we hadn't had the second child. My younger children is completely different in personality and does not like mixing, joining in or even going out to school so everything is a battle. In truth she absorbs much more of me than my first ever did (the flip side to this is that she is adorable, funny, affectionate and good company at home) but I had felt that I must give my first a sibling and in actual fact I think she has not been advantaged by the presence of a sibling (though she would disagree), which I find interesting. Given my time again of course I would still have DC2 but I would have welcomed the insight into the notion that an only child is not necessarily a lonely child.

There are definitely pros and cons of both. Why not wait a few years and see how you feel if age isn't a factor? My friend had her second when her DS was 5 and her siblings seem to genuinely love each other, unlike mine!

I definitely wanted another but like a pp feel I was a better mother to one! I actually want another now but am partly relieved that DH definitively doesn't because it would probably tip me over the edge.

her children

I would definitely wait at least 2 or 3 more years until dd is settled at school and we are financially sound. I need save the money I would lose in wages whilst on statutory. I didn't realise first time around how much I would struggle.
Although I have no intention to have another any time soon my mind wonders all the time with the thought of "will I, won't I" not to mention the constant questions from others "will you have another" and when my response is "unsure" i always get "that look" like I've suddenly grown another head! Why is it so strange to be content with just one.
I am very lucky that my partner feels exactly the same and will just go with the flow which ever we decide.

Cake and crucuatus your posts are so helpful to my situation thank you. I feel like I should consider a second child because well ... I should!despite being better off financially and relationship wise with one and with no family support. I was an only child and I wasn't lonely although I now feel quite lonely at 40! I am very close to my parents even though we live quite far away. I am getting my career back and things are getting easier my ds starts school in September and. I can mane sure he has lots of play dates to najd friends and make sue not lonely. Even if I could another at 41 and let's face it it's prob not going to be easy! What if it's twins or has health problems. Surely it's best to settle for what I've got which to be fair is pretty darn good! But why can't I shake the what if...!,and the fear of regret when it's too late. I should also add that ds is adorable and I worry I won't have that bond with another how is it possible? Putting ds to bed tonight he said I don't want bad dreams about monsters mummy and I said what's your favourite thing to dream about and he said you mummy! Bless him. So hard to make s decision but I heed to because don't want to sleepwalk into having decision made for me xxxx