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One-child families

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I feel like I don't belong

20 replies

twatchops · 16/07/2017 21:33

Just that really.
Single DS. Lovely DH. Mid forties. 2 miscarriages since DS and decided not to
pursue IVF/adoption.
I don't belong anywhere. The other mums are all having/had number 2/3
I have a lot of childless by choice friends but I don't fit there either.
I'm a bit miserable and I can't put a finger on it.
I feel like an extra bit of jigsaw from another box.
DH obviously doesn't get it.
Has anyone had this? Will it get better?

OP posts:
beckieperk · 18/07/2017 21:38

No experience but didn't want to read and run. I only have one ds and he's constantly asking for a sibling which makes me sad. I would hope I would be content with 1 healthy child.....but it's hard. I am currently pregnant after 2 miscarriages too.....nearly 40 and feeling nervous. I'm not sure of my point but I think I get what you mean about not fitting in....i feel it sometimes. Do you have any very close freinds who you could talk To? Hope you're ok.

mohuzivajehi · 20/07/2017 05:08

I'm in a similar situation. Dc is age 7 now and I am nearly 43. We tried for dc2 for ages, pg a couple of times but not for long, and have pretty much given up hope. I feel I have more in common with friends who are childless not by choice, having had multiple miscarriages or never conceiving - but obviously they don't see me as one if them as I have a child and I know I am a thousand times more blessed but the grief for the lack of #2 is still real.

I have lately been looking to see if there are organisations that facilitate one-child families meeting up with each other - there are allegedly a lot of us out there but I don't know any of them around our area.

Sanscollier · 20/07/2017 05:48

It does get better op, but totally "get" where you are coming from - the sadness never totally goes away. Dd is nearly fourteen now and what with miscarriages/gynae issues we weren't able to provide a sibling for her. I'm very sad about this, as I am very close to my siblings and wanted the same for her. For a long time I felt I wasn't a "proper" mother with just one child, but at the same time I had to give up a job I really loved as my dh was travelling constantly when dd was small, and I worked part time in a job that was rather tedious, so I didn't feel I was doing either well!

Our childless friends, with notable exceptions, fell by the wayside; some seemed almost hostile to everything baby related which was quite shocking in retrospect.

However, I still felt hugely blessed to have one child. Things improved hugely when dd attended a small, v supportive primary school and there (dd and us) met fantastic friends whom we have stayed close to ever since! One or two of them are one-child families, but the majority are not.

Things eventually fall in to place and one begins to appreciate the less frenetic pace and flexibility having an "only" can bring; one tip early on is to be prepared to have an open door policy with regard to play dates, entertain a lot, and don't always expect equal playdates/ hospitality in return from families with multiple siblings because they are sometimes too busy. Equally, dd fits in easily when they are not (onlys learn to be adaptable!) Lots of her friends like coming here because they find it quieter and one or two regularly join us on family holidays/ trips etc. I still feel bad that dd won't have siblings to rely on when we are gone, but close friends do fill the gap to some extent.

MoonPower · 20/07/2017 06:14

Hi there,

Just wanted to give you my thoughts... I am an only child. I have 2 kids. I can honestly hand on heart that I never felt sad or lovely about not having siblings.

It may have helped that my mum was an OC too so never made me feel like something was missing. My parents also always told me that I was enough for them and they didn't want any more. I felt very secure and loved growing up & am very close to my parents now.

We used to holiday with other families who had lots of kids - who I feel very close to still.

I didn't experience any sibling rivalry and have lots of first cousins who I am close to who also now have kids who are like my nieces & nephews.

Please don't feel you have to do what everyone else does. There are lots of bonuses to having one child. You can give them SO much love and don't ever feel torn in different directions as I do quite often with my 2 DCs.

There are people who are unable to have kids or who have kids with terrible health issues. And tbh people with 2/3 kids can't possibly give each child the same amount of attention and time you can give yours.

Please look at the bonuses and make your only child's world a happy one. Full of love and close friends - I still have quite a lot of friends I have known since school days who are like family to me. I am a confident and successful 40 year old.

Ok I don't like sharing chips with DH, but that's about my only fault honestly Hmm

MoonPower · 20/07/2017 06:15

(Sad or lonely not sad or lovely!)

Wellhellothere1 · 20/07/2017 12:31

What a lovely post Moon. Thank you so much for giving your take on things from the other side.
OP I have one child too but I'm probably in a slightly different position in that we never really craved any more (would have been pretty impossible too so we feel we're blessed just to have one!) I get where you are coming from with regards to fitting with other mums with more than one child. I would say this gets easier as the children get older. My DS is nearly 7 and most of my pals who had kids at the same time now have another but the baby years have passed and we still have a great time together going on holiday, days out, playdates and eating out etc. I feel we've got children in common and we are still mums no matter how many children we have. You still have so much in common with other mums. Don't focus on what is different about your lives.

SpockEars · 23/07/2017 18:46

MoonPower - thank you for your lovely post.

museumum · 23/07/2017 18:56

I'm wondering how much you "don't belong" vs it being your own feelings about only having one.
I have one and my friends with two love doing things with me and ds as it changes the adult child ratio (in our favour). I take the bigger kids on big slides that the mum with the toddler can't while holding him. I take the big ones for a wee while she does nappy changes. I help push the buggy.
If you can overcome your own sadness there's really no reason to feel left out (unless your friends are not nice).

twatchops · 23/07/2017 19:39

Thanks all. The responses here have been incredibly helpful. I've thought about it this week and I genuinely think It's more to do with starting to feel like I'm at a different phase in life.......
Having said that I took DS to a party yesterday and I hadn't met the mum before (who seemed lovely and someone who I would def like to get to know) and the question came..... "do you just have DS"

That word "just"
I know I'm being overly sensitive but I have worked hard to feel like our family is a complete and valid unit, but little comments like that (which are of course a normal part of conversation) just knock me back a little.... so maybe I'm not quite there yet psychologically. One to think about for sure.

I've done a lot of thinking since my OP and I have definitely decided to make some changes. I need to find friends independent of DS and luckily I have loads of hobbies so just need a rocket up my arse (so to speak)

Sending thanks to everyone that responded. I've just spent the week mulling it all over..

OP posts:
Fortunatepiggy · 24/07/2017 08:09

I'm an only child too and had a great childhood. Don't remember feeling lonely at all. We holidayed with another family with an only child when I got a bit older and I am close to them and my parents

I am 40, have 1 ds who is 4 and I am trying to decide whether to have another one. The fact that I've been thinking about this for a year and not done anything about it suggests my decision is made to stick with one but I am worried I will regret it when I am too old to have another

It's difficult op .. I get" have you just got the one "too from people and I just say we haven't been brave enough to have another yet ... most people reply very sensible!

Hallloumi · 25/07/2017 13:01

I feel quite similar to you when I'm at toddler groups etc and also to mohuzivajehi when you say about feeling you have more in common with the childless not by choice. In my case infertility has definitely screwed me up in the way I respond to these innocent questions and even seeing the second or third baby in a family often hits me hard (those fb photos of the toddler kissing the newborn kill me). I don't have any answers except that spending time our pre children friends who mostly have 2 kids and 2 newer 1 child families is helpful. And so is reading the experience of adults who were from 1 child families like moon. I try to count my blessings but some days am not so good at it (my husband seems to be better).

Nouki · 10/08/2017 12:19

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twatchops · 10/08/2017 13:03

At 44, I have considered it. Given my age It would be the most expensive period ever......
do you not think I have already considered these things?

OP posts:
Nouki · 10/08/2017 13:49

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Nouki · 10/08/2017 13:51

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twatchops · 10/08/2017 15:14

Oh do fuck off.
Do you work there by any chance?

OP posts:
MudCity · 10/08/2017 15:29

Another only child here OP who has never felt sad about being so. As a previous poster also said, I made wonderful friends at school and they were like an extended family to me. I was also lucky enough to be able to join lots of after-school activities which my friends, who all had siblings, envied and I made lots of friends there too.

I am a very self-sufficient adult with a strong sense of identity and I genuinely think that being an only child, and the opportunities I had because of this, have contributed to this. Having a sibling doesn't mean you will get on with them or they will be part of your life and so know several people who have difficult relationships with siblings which causes them pain and unhappiness.

As long as you give your child opportunities to form, and sustain, friendships, they will not suffer. I felt totally loved and secure and your DC will be the same, I'm sure.

twatchops · 10/08/2017 16:15

Thanks Mud.
We are a very sociable family and my DS gets a massive amount of attention from both of us.
Fingers crossed it will work out similarly for us.

OP posts:
123fushia · 10/08/2017 16:25

I have one DD. no more possible after miscarriages and problems. I spent a few years feeling sad but now I don't let myself think like that. Yes, friends and family generally have more than one but how much more difficult would life have been for me without any children?
I prefer to call her my 'limited edition' as that takes me away from the negative connotations that 'only' implies. Life will be busier and busier as your limited edition gets older - try to enjoy it. X

twatchops · 10/08/2017 17:01

Fuscia
Limited edition! Love it!
I'm really glad to hear your story. Especially that in time life will get better again!
Since my OP, I've taken on a national profile with my job and we're planning lots of other exciting things as a family.
I think I felt a bit in suspended animation but it's time to start living again!

OP posts:
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