12 yr old ds called me a cunt

[paulaer]

My 12yr old son has told me to F off several times over the past week. He hasn't done this before and it was when he'd come home from school and had had a run in with one of his mates. There were consequences from me and I hoped that, possibly naively, he might think twice before choosing that word again. Tonight, during a bedtime disagreement, he called me a cunt when I had left the room. Unfortunately I reacted badly. I returned to his room, put my face right in his and told him very calmly that he was never to use that word in my earshot again. It's his birthday outing in 2 days and I immediately thought to cancel this and text his friends parents, telling them it was off. This all happened around 10pm and instead of firing off texts late at night I have decided to sleep on it. I'm shocked and I know that paying for a birthday treat with his mates is going to give off the wrong message. At the same time part of me wants to confiscate technology and wifi for 2 weeks instead of cancelling a big birthday do. I'm a single mum, no dad on the scene and need some advice

I'm sorry to hear this OP

Cancelling birthday trip AND two weeks' lost screen time sounds reasonable to me.

That's really tough. Is there anything happening in his life at the moment that's sparking this?
If my DS called me a cunt I'd be informing him that as I'm a cunt I'll do everything that's legally required to look after a child and nothing more, including providing wifi and trips.
But it sounds like, from what you're saying this is out of character for him. Is he discharging on you? My DD did this a few months ago, no name calling but massive mood swings. Turns out there were things happening at school that I didn't know about. After losing every privilege she had and after a big meltdiwn she broke down and told me.

I have a 12 year old and I would do nothing at this stage, unless he used that word again.
I would have a calm talk with him about the word and mutual respect tomorrow, though.

Can I ask what the disagreement was about and what happened then?

How did you handle the fuck offs? What were the consequences?

You didn't react badly, you reacted perfectly.
My dd takes bad days out on me. I have to keep repeating it's unacceptable behaviour, doling out consequences but also , when it's calmed down saying what was all that about.
If they called me names i would be emptying the bedroom and then I would be holding out my phone saying either explain what's made you so cross or i cancel the party because you have no respect.

I would consider contacting school and saying is anthing happening.

I've had this.

I left the room immediately & left him to stew.

Then had a quiet word once he'd calmed down about why this was unacceptable, aggressive, how would he feel if someone else used this word to me/his little sisters etc. He was hugely apologetic.

We've had one recurrence. I'm still not sure this was my finest parenting hour, although damn it was effective, but I cheerily bombed him with the word for an hour 'can you bring your dirty washing down so your cunt of a mother can sort it, ds? This cunt was wondering what we should have for dinner, ds. Oh you want to invite your mate round? I'll just ring that cunt, his mum, & see if the little cunt is free...'

'Stop it mum! It's horrible! I'll never say it again... '

Of course he probably will, & fwiw he upset himself a lot more than he upset me. But he had to tell me why I shouldn't use it (the gist of his argument was ' it sounds like you hate people when you don't, I don't like you using that word about yourself because I'd be really angry if anyone else called you that, I'd be totally embarrassed if X or his mum heard you using that word'), so it makes it harder in future for him not to be at least slightly reflective about it, I hope.

I do swear quite happily myself, & I'm not especially precious about my dc letting rip occasionally. But I'd like them to at least use their language consciously, rather than just randomly c- bombing me on the course of a bedtime argument...