Hating your siblings....

[Mrstumbletap]

Interesting read below, as someone with a sister that I am not close to and firmly in the 'one and done' club, I thought this might be interesting as we usually only hear the positive side of siblings.

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/8413404/Why-do-you-hate-your-sister.html

Anyone else not close to their sibling/s?

I'm like you Mrstumble. No contact with my sister and only one child of my own. I would love to have a good sibling relationship but that's life.

It's the main reason we have an only. Siblings on both sides are awful.

There is no guarantee is there?

My sister has never been nice to me, she hated me from the minute I popped out.

However my brother is the opposite end of the spectrum, we know each other so well we often have the same thought at the same time!

Our family is living proof that both ends of the spectrum exist.

I have a great relationship with my brother.

I actively dislike my brother in law and my husband is indifferent to him.

It's interesting how family relationships shape us all. I have a brother who is 5 years older than me. He was killed by a drugged driver when he was 23 and I was 18. I don't feel like I ever had an adult relationship with him, I think we would have been close. My memories are childlike bickering and differing interests. I have four children and would have more so they are never left alone.

Haven't spoken to my one sibling/sister in 12 years. My husband has two brothers. Try are ok, but I could care less as they are selfish career driven people. In fact, our best mates are our family really.

Yet when we say we are likely to just stick with one child people say:

"Oh but they will be lonely"
"But they won't have a sibling"
"They won't have anyone to play with"
"When you get old/sick they won't have a sibling to share the burden"

I had an incredibly lonely childhood with a plethora of siblings and cousins. I was the easy scapegoat. In new situations they would protect themselves and raise their status by mocking me and making sure I was the outcast. This was learned from some adults in my extended family.

I don't think it was siblinghood that did this but the adult as a role model (they even encouraged it!).

The plethora or siblings doesn't always make for the happy 'Waltons type' family does it?

I cannot remember ever liking my sister. My mum insists I liked her as a baby (I was 22 months when she was born) but all my memories are of really disliking her. She was a difficult child (and clearly my mother's favourite) and other children always hated her. I have so many memories of being told off because no one wanted to play with my selfish, attention-seeking, annoying, temper tantrumming little sister. It was apparently my fault that the other children didn't want to put up with her crap.

As she's grown up, my sister has not improved. I actively avoid seeing her. She sometimes contacts me to say something annoyingly phrased (in pigeon English even though she's a native speaker - she just likes to present herself as if English is not her native language) about getting the cousins together (meaning our children). I usually ignore this entirely because I'd rather do anything than visit her or have her visit (if anything DH feels more strongly about this than me). Luckily she lives 3 or so hours away from here.

The family narrative (my mother and sister) is of course that I'm the 'bad guy' for not wanting contact with her. My mother tried to force my sister on me (for 6 weeks, where I'd have to pay for her food too) when DS2 was born. I refused and said she could maybe visit for a couple of hours once we were home from the hospital and settled. My mum got angry at me about this and then insisted on bringing her, causing enormous problems and upsetting everyone (including heavily pregnant me) because we said we couldn't put the two of them up (in our tiny house). I vividly remember my mother screeching at me 'she's all you've got' because I wouldn't just roll over any make it all about my sister (and mother). DH will never forgive my mum for this (it was nearly 8 years ago). He already hated my sister, so this just added to it.

Sadly all my experiences have been such that I can only conclude that I'd be happier and better off with nothing if my sister is 'all I've got'. It's not true either. I might have a shitty family but I have people I can actually rely on regardless.

She does sound difficult, you seem to have gone no contact with her, I envy that in a way. My sister is so difficult but my dad says he couldn't handle us not speaking. A bit like your mum forcing your relationship with her on you. I keep distant contact Christmas, birthdays etc with her for his sake, but it's such hard work.

I have several friends that only see their siblings at Christmas and birthdays, I have one friend that actually hangs out with her sister. One friend, that is it.

I work in a big place with a lot of colleagues, and siblings often come up as being useless helping with sick/dying parent. Which is also true in my experience, I turned to my friends, not my sibling.

Why do we get the pressure to have a second child from the public/family/friends for the closeness and support of a sibling?

I found this thread and this article really interesting to read.

I'm an only child and I had quite difficult parents. I often wondered whether things would have been better/easier if I'd had a sibling or two. But I've realised as I've got older that the Boden-catalogue-stereotype of happy sibling relationships isn't universal at all. I've met plenty of people who have extremely dysfunctional relationships with their siblings; I've met people who were physically abused by their siblings; and, worst of all, I've met people who were sexually abused by their siblings (which, according to Google, is not nearly as uncommon as you'd think).

It's best to feel grateful for what you have/had, because you never know what the alternative actually would have looked like.

That's very true.

Interesting article! My mum has very little to do with her siblings. I find them both unbearable, horrible people. I'm very close to my siblings though. I hope my children are the same, but there really is no guarantees I suppose

Why do we get the pressure to have a second child from the public/family/friends for the closeness and support of a sibling?

Because 2 seems to be a current trend and people can't keep their dick opinions to themselves in my experience!

I have 3 children, but i dont think onlies are missing out. My brother doesnt like me at all. Ive tried to get on with him. He bullied me as a child and cut me out as an adult. I would have been better as an only child than have him around. Thankfully he was at boarding school a lot of the time, and then left home quite young..

Haven't had any contact with my sibling for 9 years. He made my childhood a misery; and my parents let him.

Reason my DC is an only.

My brother and I never really got on at all as children or adults. He died aged 29. That was 5 years ago now. I now have a 17 month old daughter and I am 90% certain she will be an only. Sometimes I feel very guilty that she probably won't have any siblings, but I know from my own bitter experience that there are no guarantees they would get on anyway.

My sister and I are chalk and cheese. We're not close and barely speak through the year except at Xmas. Once we went 3 years without speaking. Since falling pregnant with my first DS shes been interested in him, but only because its her nephew. Her and I have nothing in common. It upsets our parents but nothing can be done about it except not talk about the other in front of them.

I speak with both my DB and DSis but they haven't spoken in approx 5 yrs. They never liked each other. Then dad died and some stuff came out about how one of them had been treating dad, and that was the excuse they both needed to cut contact with each other.

My only has started to complain of being lonely occasionally but I feel very alone sometimes too now dad has gone and our family is in pieces.

I don't get on with either of my siblings.

My brother is a complete tyrant and makes everyone's life a misery. I've had to block his number on my mobile for the sake of my sanity.

My sister is 9 years younger than me and is just a completely bizarre person. She constantly tries to belittle me or start weird rumours about me (the latest one being that I'm "jealous" of her pregnancy. I'm not. She's in an awful relationship and I wouldn't swap my life for here for all the tea in China).

I wouldn't wish any ill on either of them but I just do not like them at all. I wouldn't in a million years chose to be friends with either of them.

I have much younger half-siblings, and while I wish them well, we have zero interest in each other and our lives, and very little in common. Our relationship is more like some distant cousins. Doesn't bother me at all. I'm effectively an 'only' and I've always been perfectly happy that way.

Families are weird things, I get on really well with one of my brothers, he's more like a friend to be honest. On the other hand, I don't like my eldest brother at all, I just make nice to keep my parents happy and so get to see my lovely nephew.

I’ve not read the link but I have an only child (not by choice)
I’m from a family of 4 kids, none of which are in contact with each other as adults.

My sister was born just 13 months after me and I’ve never bonded with my mother. My sister was a needy child with some issues and learned very quickly how to manipulate and control our mother for her own attention.

This continued on into adulthood, living like a parasite back home until she was 38 and letting them bring up her daughter until she was 15, not paying a penny and causing mess, filth and stress.

She has now gone but I’ll never forgive my patents for allowing her to ostracise the rest of the family buy hogging the family home and parents for everything financial and childcare and emotional support.

Because of the feelings I had of being detached from my own family I desperately wanted my own children to form a close knit family group with but I couldn’t conceive any more and I have struggled with it tbh.

The worst times of year for me having an only is Christmas and summer holidays abroad where you’re surrounded by big families and kids playing together.

My dh on the other hand is an only child and has always had a close and very positive relationship with his parents. They’ve been fantastic for giving us help when we’ve needed it whereas my parents had 3 other families to help.

Overall though, now my only is a teenager I’m happy I only had him as he hadn’t been an easy child and I don’t think I’d have coped with any more when I think back. Regardless of how he turns out I can honestly say I’ll be there for him without being played by his siblings if he’d had any.