Needmorewine, I could have written all your posts!!
We are in a very very similar position here.
I have a wonderful DD aged 3.5 and I am 40.
I have no particular desire for another child (that sounds so stark but you know what I mean) and we have many practical reasons why sticking with one is by far the most sensible choice. My age, the fact that DD was and is still a bad sleeper, plus my DH has disability issues that mean that looking after 2 children will be a lot, lot more challenging than just the one. Also finances - we will be very stretched if we have another child if we wanted to give them all the advantages we will be able to give DD (music lessons, clubs, driving lessons etc when she is older) - we can do that for one but for 2 we would really struggle.
Probably the financial side isn't a reason if the other big reasons weren't there too, but it's something we do think about.
I love being a family of three, it's hard work in a different way from bigger families as DD isn't keen on playing by herself at ALL (could just be her age) and so I am a contstant playmate for her (which I don't mind at all actually)
She is sociable and has little friends round to play; she is also blessed with three cousins, all of whom live reasonbly close (only an hour away maximum) and two of whom are girls very close to her in age. I am hoping, and indeed cultivating this, that as they get older they will stay close and be there for each other.
BUT... thank you for starting this thread because I DREAD what might happen when she gets older. Properly old, that is, leaving home and hopefully starting a family of her own.
I worry that she will either feel some tremedous burden solely falling on her to take care of us in our old age. And I worry, too, that she will be 'all alone' when we die.
The first problem, when I'm feeling sensible and logical, I guess can be addressed in two ways. 1) We have to make as good a plan as possible for our own care, we have to save for care costs and be organised and upfront about what sort of thing we need if we live into old age and get ill/infirm. and 2) I try to remind myself that having siblings is no guarantee of having help sharing the burden. These days many people live halfway around the world from their siblings. Or siblings fall out. Or they are not that close. Or, often in my own friends' experience, there is resentment and upset because a huge portion of the care ends up falling on one sibling and their partner. That kind of thing.
Of course in an ideal world, and as does sometimes happen, siblings live reasonably close by and/or are able to be a huge source of support for each other with old/ill parents. But in my experience this is not at all what always happens.
And really, if we're all getting so worried by trying to gaze into the future and accurately predict how our children will or won't help us when we're older, we may as well be honest and admit that none of us can predict the future! God forbid any one of us could be hiit by a speeding bus or drop dead of something before we ever become old and infirm. So in that sense, morbid though it sounds (sorry!) worrying about siblings sharing the burden of our care is kind of a pointless activity and not a good basis for deciding whether or not to have a second child.
Which of couse and sadly leads me to the second point. What will become of our onlies when we die?
This is the one I really struggle with and can't do any logical-thinking to help me.
I worry so much about my own health and mortality as the parent of an only. I live in utter dread that something will take me away from her before she is grown up and leading a life of her own. (I am anxiety prone at best, which doesn't help!!) I can fall very easily down a terrible rabbit hole where I am gone and DH is gone and she is just utterly alone in the world. I think, in most cases (though I know a fair few siblings who HATE each other and a fair few more who simply are very different people and don't really have anything at all in common) siblings probably WOULD ease the terrible pain of that.
But... but... friends can be great too. Husbands, wives, children of their own. In-laws, hopefully. Cousins, if they have them.
I have a sister and a brother and though I get on with my brother pretty well, my sister and I have never been close (we make a huge effort now for our children actually) and in all honesty they have never been sources of emotional suport for me. When our parents die yes, though, it will be comforting to feel that it's not Just Me alone in the world.
But I have a wonderful DH, good friends and my own DD who are all far more 'my life' than my perfectly pleasant siblings.
This has been mammoth, sorry.
I don't really know any other way to solve the thorny question of how our onlies will feel when we are gone. It's a horrible thought and probably not one worth thinking about.
Certainly I can't possibly argue that it's anywhere near good enough a reason to have a second child if there are other extremly good and sensible reasons why you shouldn't/don't want to. And, of course, as I often forget, can't!
I hope that helps...? A bit...? Apologies that it was such a long ramble!!