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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Desperate for another child. Husband refuses.

14 replies

bakedpotato1 · 16/08/2016 07:58

Hi there,

I am having a really tough time. My husband and I have a wonderful three year old. We have been together nearly ten years, and we had a very happy relationship. I have always been clear that I want children (I always said 2 or 3) and my husband has never been sure. He finds it very difficult to decide what he wants. He did eventually decide he was happy to take a leap of faith and have one child but he has found it very difficult, although he is wonderful with our son. He is absolutely sure he will not have another one. I am from a large family, and my second sister has just announced she is pregnant again (before her eldest has even turned one!). My husband is an only child and just doesn't understand what a sibling could bring to our son's life.

This issue is causing so much tension in our relationship. We talk a lot about breaking up. I feel so frustrated that he can just say no, and that is the end of the discussion.

OP posts:

WoburnSands · 16/08/2016 08:24

Ah this is so difficult. From experience, I would say that an 'only child' family and a family with 2/3 children can both be a great environment, provided the family dynamics are good and the child/ren are brought up with plenty of self confidence/self respect etc.
But I understand in your case it's difficult as you and your husband are so divided on this. I was an only child and would happily have an only child myself but what I did resent was pressure all the time from my parents to 'make friends' whereas what I'd have felt would be more useful would have been for them to encourage more self respect /self confidence in me. But they seemed to overlook this.
In saying that both an only child experience and having siblings can BOTH be potentially great I'm aware that I maybe not much help with your specific problem. While most people would be inclined to say not to bring another child into the world unless you both want it, if you want to keep this discussion open, why don't you say matter of factly to your husband, if you still want more than one child, that you really favour a 2 /3 child family and maybe your DH may see the benefits and understand things from your point of view?
Another thing people do say about only children is that an advantage is that they can be more self motivated and are not 'hemmed in' by having to play all the time say with a brother or sister let's say two years younger, or whatever. I understand that not all people with siblings feel 'hemmed in/stifled by them, but I am saying that, depending which way you look at it, there can be advantages to being an only child as long as you give them plenty of independence/flexibility to develop.

WoburnSands · 16/08/2016 08:25

Nevertheless OP, if you really want another child, keep the discussion open with your OH, and try and keep it as matter of fact as you can, although it's a very emotional subject.

PennyAsset · 16/08/2016 08:36

Why does your DH find having a child difficult? Is it on a practical or emotional level?

When the two of you talk about breaking up; does your DH say that he would rather lose you than have another child?

FruitCider · 16/08/2016 08:38

Watching replies with interest as I do not want any more children, my DH does!

pegomassive1 · 16/08/2016 08:42

Ultimately you need to decide if having another child is more important that the family life you have currently and the life your current child leads.
If someone doesn't want another child you can't really force them. It's something they need to be absolutely 100%behind.
A frank and honest discussion on both parts where you can both be clear and listen to each other point of view needed here. Then some time to think and not discuss the subject before coming back to it again. If he still said no then sorry his mind is really made up. You'll then need to work out of having another child is worth leaving this marriage for.

Original poster

bakedpotato1 · 16/08/2016 08:43

Thanks for the replies so far. I think it is really on an emotional level that my husband struggles. Financially we are more than capable of having another child. My husband's dad died when he was a child, so I'm sure that is part of it.

When we talk about breaking up he says he would be really sad to lose us but he is immoveable on the issue of a second child and it is making me so unhappy that I am very difficult to live with. I can't help but feel resentful to him, whereas at least if we it were a fertility issue we could support each other.

OP posts:

AmandaK11 · 16/08/2016 09:17

Has he said any specific reasons why he doesn't want a child, or is everything a theory that you believe lies in his past?

raisedbyguineapigs · 16/08/2016 09:28

He seems adamant about it. Maybe it's just that although he loves your child, that's enough for him and he doesn't really have a logical read on. My DH was the same about DC3. He came up with reasons that were all feeble but at the end of the day he didn't want another one and that was that. I had 2 though. I'm not sure if I'd have been less able to let it go if I just had one. You have to decide if it's worth breaking up your existing child's family and have him shuffle between parents and possibly having a step family just for the sake of a child that doesn't yet exist.

WoburnSands · 16/08/2016 09:42

Ah right - if you are sure he's immoveable then I suppose that's pretty much it as far as he's concerned.

It's a difficult one, everyone feels differently on this sort of topic and it's so emotive. I'd be quite happy having an only child but then I appreciate everyone's different. It's such a difficult call OP but I hope you manage to come to some sort of adequate compromise. Have you talked to a sister/trusted friend to see what they'd do in the situation?

panimac · 19/08/2016 17:36

It's not an easy one, but consider that: you are so lucky you already have a child (lots of people can't even have the one)...
Another thing to consider - not all siblings get on well...
And lastly having a partner on board and in later life when your child has left the family nest is more important than having another child IMHO. Presuming you want to be with your OH for life....

Ketchuponpizza · 19/08/2016 17:41

We had this too. (I kept having miscarriages and becoming really depressed, so I understood why he refused, not that it made difference to my emotions).

I saw a psychologist, and he came to some meetings. It was a hard thing to come to terms with, as there is no middle ground.

I did, however, put him in charge of contraception. I told him it was unfair that I had this burden, when my heart wasn't in it. He agreed.

We had two more children.... 😂

Iloveowls2 · 23/08/2016 16:20

How old are you? Is time of the essence? I craved after another DC for a long time and suffered depression as a result with little or no buy in from DH. After a bad health scare I've decided I'm actually more than happy with one as for me there are more pluses than minuses. DH is now wanting another but I suspect time has already run out!

Oscarcole123 · 03/10/2016 20:42

I'm also in a similar position my LB is 6 and I'm desperate for another but OH point blank doesn't want one. I'm so confused what to do as I love him but can't help my strong maternal feelings. There's so many people at school and that I see with babies or pregnant and I just feel so envious.

mellongoose · 21/10/2016 10:10

It's a similar story here. My 'baby' is 2 and I am 40. DH almost 47 (although neither of us feel our ages)! I would have another in a heartbeat but DH says no.

I fear that there is no compromise on this issue as with others that couples have to deal with. Both of you have to say yes for a positive result, whereas only one of you has to say no for the negative IYSWIM. I have felt like leaving him because it felt like he didn't respect my needs. Don't think I would actually have done it though.

In the dim and distant past, my DH had an addiction of sorts which is now long gone. During a calmer conversation, I tried to liken my yearning for a second child to how he felt for the thing he was addicted to at that time. I don't know if this is a particularly sensible analogy, but he did seem to understand my depth of feeling for the first time.

As a PP has said I love and treasure my actual family more than any fictional child of the future. However, I still find myself 'grieving' for life with 2. I put it down to irrational shitty hormones and I don't know what will make it go away. I long for DH to magically change his mind, but he won't.

Don't want to hijack your thread - more that I wanted to share and to let you know that I understand your feelings are very real.

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