Thanks StillLoving, she’s an absolute blessing and a very cool little child, and it has crossed my mind of I don’t know if we could have been given another fabulous child, it seems kind of tempting fate (but I know that comes from a ‘not really being able to imagine how it really could be’ just like when you haven’t had any children and can’t really imagine the reality of being a parent.
And its true, we would be very financially stretched to have more children which is another of DP’s concerns - he is the sole wage-earner and I have been SAHP for the last 3 years. I don’t have a career and quit the career (or took a long break, however you look at it, it doesn’t look good CV wise) that I trained for 7 years ago after burnout and bullying - I did contractor min-wage work and more study in the 4 years before I had DD. I feel like I’ve shot myself in the foot there, but I don’t know what else I could have done - the work I do is quite specialised and not lots of options or local ‘companies’ to work for (2, in fact, and one was the bullying one).
Yes I felt very relieved that the fertility treatment was done with - I felt that as soon as we finished the second cycle - the cost of IVF prices us out of trying again, so that decision was made for us and its a relief in a way (but also a nagging ‘lottery win’ option in the back of my mind). The transfers were a complete headfuck as I did start off very laid back, thinking we were pretty much guaranteed at least one BFP , then the 2ww really messed with my head. I don’t remember being snappy with DD but I do remember being on tenterhooks, and of me being in bits sobbing in the kitchen after a BFN phone call from the clinic and her trying to bring me my bowl of soup that I’d been eating and not knowing what to do with me, that still makes me well up thinking about that.
I know we don’t have the money for adoption, and probably not the emotional temerity to go through the whole process which I believe is pretty gruelling and invasive - with no promises (always said when I was younger that I would adopt as well, clearly had no idea of the reality of it all). I’ve also considered fostering and I know, deep down, I’m not really a ‘child’ person - you know, like some people just really connect well with lots of kids? I’m not one of them!
Age wise, time is running out - I’m 39 in the next few weeks, and I reckon once menopause starts kicking in I will know there could be no ’happy accidents’ (like there could be anyway! That side of things seems a bit broken now). I am looking at what I could do in career-wise and whether I can use my training in something fulfilling and enjoyable (and well-paid). While I always wanted to be at home when I had babies, I feel that some balance, some independence and some more money would be very beneficial to me - we’re on the bones of our arses, no family nearby to help out, and on minimum wage income wouldn’t be worthwhile for childcare costs. I always thought that when DD went to nursery (starts 2 days a week soon) would be my time to get cracking on the career yet the reality of having to be available for drop off and pick up, then change my days again in a year - hmmmn, well I am scouring the job ads daily anyhow! I need to get out of the groundhog day of washing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning surfaces. And I totally get that we’ve been privileged to be able for me to stay home for so long, even so the budgeting, scouring for bargains, cooking everything from scratch, never going away or holiday, saving saving saving every penny, second hand clothes till they’re threadbare, renting indefinitely - thats not the life I thought I would be leading anyway!
Anyway, I actually starting writing to offer you some solidarity, and ended up whinging on about my own situation, again! I don’t really talk about it to anyone and- clearly, as I get so upset and most people don’t fully get it (“at least you have DD” “be grateful for what you have” kinda comments which just diminish and shut down the whole thing), DP doesn’t ever talk about it - his mind is made up, and he doesn’t really get it either. We talked to a counsellor at the clinic, and discussed creating the life we want instead - career, opportunities, travelling etc . . . I will get there, and aim for it I’m sure. Still wound licking. I just plaster a smile on and get on with the day to day, and I know that’s not ‘dealing with’ anything
Sorry D0nkeyK0ng that your IVF was not successful, its such a hell of a lot to go through to not have a good result, isn’t it? I was nodding right through reading your message, spot on. Didn’t make me feel worse. Its quite validating to recognise your feelings in another persons writing, as there seems to be so few people in this position irl.
I felt so stink for DD as she is such a little ‘mother’ and sits breastfeeding her dolls and changing their nappies and pushing their buggies etc, I thought she’d love having a baby around too (although latterly she seems quite indifferent to the numerous babies that are in our weekly activities). I know there’s no guarantee that siblings will get on or like each other. She seems quite happy playing by herself, but its not like she knows any different? I think when she starts asking about brothers and sisters will be the crucifying part