Choosing to have one...

[Today100]

As my DS is now 2 I am constantly fending off questions about baby number 2.
I don't feel like going through it all again after a difficult pregnancy and PND but some people seem horrified that would choose to have one.
I love my DS but have found it hard going. My DH seems quite happy with one and we have a nice life the three of us, is it so bad to not have siblings?
Part of me feels so many people go on to have more that there must be something wrong with me that I don't want to.
Would love to hear some positive experiences of choosing to have only one child.

I'm in exact same boat. DD is nearly 2 and most of my baby friends with little ones same age are trying. When I confirm I'm "done" I tend to get anything from a wry chuckle to a "really??" apparently only children are "weird"

I know DH always thought he'd have 2 but like you the toll the pregnancy took on me was huge. The flip side if I could have written to Father Christmas asking for a baby I'd have asked for one just like my DD. She's my everything.

Thanks puppymouse, I also get some funny looks when I say the same.
It just seems so terrible to some people, one family friend has told me it's cruel to not give DS a sibling unless there a medical reason why I can't!

DS is now 15 and an only by choice. We are a close, happy unit of 3.

I just didn't believe I would cope well with any more than one. Maybe I would have done and it would have been great, but since you can't send babies back if you discover you have bitten off more than you can chew, I decided I'd rather not risk it.

I think DH&I have got off lightly in terms of "what I think is the right number of children for you" busybodies. My sister and BIL on the other hand (child free by choice) have had to put up with quite a bit of teeth sucking, tutting and nosy questioning.

I was an only until I was 13. I was a bit lonely sometimes but that was down to some choices my parents made which DH and I will consciously avoid (e.g. going to school far away so friends aren't close).

I am very happily an only child and my DS is the same age as yours and we aren't sure wether to have another... People can't cope with that idea!

My ds is 2 and were thinking of not having another.
I had a totally fine pregnancy and birth, no pnd, enjoyed may leave so no reason except that we are really happy right now the three of us.

I'm an only child, my DD is an only child and her DD is an only child. We're all very happy being singletons. Clearly it's not without negative issues - e.g. care of elderly parents - but any size of family comes with its own issues.

I think you just need to look quizzically at whoever questions your choice and ask them why they have the number of children that they have chosen. They may think you are being rude to ask ... but then so were they.

Same my little one is 2 soon, and I constantly question.... Should we have a second??? But I don't want to spoil what we have. Me and my other half are both only children and had a fab upbringing

My DS will turn 8 in February. He is an only too.

As each year has gone by, the thought of another child disturbing our lives fills me with dread. That sounds awful doesn't it? But it is just how I feel.

I absolutely adore DS but I gave birth to him when I was only 17 and protected myself ever since as I didn't want to go through it again. DH and I are still together and are living a very happy, content life with our wonderful son.
We are financially better off, we can give him most of our time. He wants for nothing. He is such a great, polite and respectful little guy and I love him beyond words. I just couldn't imagine sharing that love with another child. I love things just the way they are.

I won't be having anymore children, I am more than happy with just him.

I am an only and don't like it at all. I know some people like it. Advantages and disadvantages but for me too many negatives.

I have 2 children and am happy they will have each other when me and DH pop our clogs.

Not a criticism of others choices but the way I feel.

DH always wanted one child, and I gradually came round to the idea before falling pregnant. I'm really comfortable in our choice now - DS is 2 and a few friends have recently started announcing second pregnancies. I have absolutely no pangs of jealousy or longing at all so that's really cemented my decision for me. I don't think I have the emotional strength to have more children and just can't face the sleepness nights again.

Siblings are not always a blessing - depends how well they get on.

Sometimes explaining the reality of childcare costs fends people off quite nicely - there's no way we could afford two sets of nursery fees so that would mean no second child for a while. But mostly I just explain that I didn't love being pregnant or the newborn bit and have no desire to do it again - honesty is sometimes best as it stops the continual questioning, though realise OP you might not be happy talking about PND etc with everyone.

My DS is 10 and an only, sort of. DP has two daughters from a previous relationship, they are 22 and 26 and not living at home. DS is my only iyswim! I've never felt the urge to have another child. And I've never had other people sticking their noses in either. Maybe a couple of people asking if I'm having anymore but I just say "No" and that tends to end the conversation.

DS is perfectly happy as an only. He is a bright, sociable lad who loves being with his mates and also loves spending time on his own. He is very good at entertaining himself. Whether this is down to him being an only, or just the way, he is we'll never know!

I'm content as is with my son. Everytime I think 'I wonder what it'll be like if I had another?' then someone with 3 kids will walk past struggling with every aspect of their life. Then... Nah. If I like what I have, why change it?
What I hate is people saying to my son 'do you want a brother or sister? Go and ask mummy' - Don't put crap in my son's head!

I had a crap time with my son, but weirdly I loved the newborn bit and the night feeds. I would want that back again but it's not reason enough for another baby. It wont be my son again. I think I'd be too scared that I'd lose what I have with my son if I had another. Ah, they're babies for 5 minutes. I hate to say it but I really think I'd regret having another baby and I wouldn't want to bring it into this world that way, not fair.

It's more family that say I should have another because 'having one is nasty'. My friends don't judge. I've had a couple ask if I'm having more, my reply is just 'No, one is enough thank you'.

People just need to learn to keep out of other people's business and know when not to pry into things. You don't go and ask someone why they have one leg and that they should go and get a prosthetic one to "look better" when they don't want to.

(Tell them to fuck off and stop sticking their noses in.)

I like staying up later with my son watching a film by ourselves and having an agile routine with things. I'm not really a panicky mum, I'm laidback about most things because I know they'll get done when they need to be as I don't have more than 1 demanding child under my feet.
He has friends at nursery and is sociable even though I didn't take him to one baby group. He's gentle when he needs to be sometimes, he's kind when he says sorry. He does like attention a lot though but who doesn't? and he plays by himself if I'm not able to. Nothing wrong with that; I played by myself because I preferred it sometimes. Actually I think I used to wonder what it'd be like to have no siblings. Everything was too hectic for me, I wanted peace. I just wanted there to be a moment where nothing was happening.

"An only" child's life is not impaired in anyway. If people make a big deal then they'll start to question it themselves. They're not spoilt if you bring them up with manners and respect.

OP I feel uour pain ! We have one DD who is 2.4 - all our original baby friends have either had their second or are pregnant with no.2. I don't understand the preoccupation with having two children close together which is what everyone around us seems to be doing. I know so many siblings who don't get on/are ambivalent. DD is bright and gorgeous but hard work, DH works long hours so it's just me and her a lot of the time . We have a small house that is perfect for the three of us but would be pushed for space for four. It's generally easy to get a babysitter and I feel one DC gives us a lovely balance between being parents and having the time / energy / finances to devote to ourselves. A few of my friends with two don't seem to be really enjoying their DC and seem overwhelmed by the amount of extra work the second has created. They've told me I would mange with two as well when I explained my worries but who wants to spend their life just managing ?! I want to really enjoy DD. We went on a great holiday this year with a Kids Club and DD had a little band of admirers and made so many little friends it was lovely. I don't buy the lonely only myth. I do get the odd guilty pang that I should provide DD with a sibling because that just what most people do but I don't think that's a good enough reason to have another DC. Time will tell I suppose.

My DD is 15 months and people I know who had kids who will be in the same school year as her (e.g. turning two from this September onwards) have started getting pregnant. It makes me feel weird, like there's something wrong with me or that I'm pathetic knowing that I couldn't cope with another but if I got pregnant now I wouldn't be happy so obviously it's not a good idea!

I don't look back wistfully at ANY baby stage, I can't wait for her to start walking and talking and being a proper little person, the thought of going back to the newborn bit makes me feel a bit sick to be honest! But because I found it so hard I hope that I'll be really helpful when my friends who don't have children yet have their firsts! I'll be the one turning up with a lasagne and a baby sling, putting my friend to bed and going for a long walk with their baby!

I'm hoping we can afford interesting holidays, driving lessons, private tutors, extra-curricular activities, days out, meals out, big BBQ's, cinema trips etc that we might not have been able to afford with more than one.

We're also quite lucky that we had her at the same time as lots of friends/relatives babies were being born. She's unlikely to be the only child around at Christmas or on holidays. She's been at nursery since 8 months, surely socialising with children who haven't bee brought up by the same parents does more for socialising you than having a sibling?

Thank you for all the replies, very helpful.
Artisan - I have also felt there must be something wrong with me for not cracking on with number 2 like most people seem to do but I know everyone is different. I'm sure DS will be fine but good to hear other peoples experiences too.

My ds is 21 months and will be our only child.

He is a lovely little boy who plays so nicely with children at nursery, friends children and random children he meets at soft play etc. He's bright and independent (as much as he can be) and I love our time together with DH. We both work full time so the weekends and holidays are really special for us.

We both adore ds but like all children he can be hard work and with busy jobs as well I honestly don't think we could cope with another.

I'd rather ds have all our time and benefit from the opportunities we can afford to give him than us all struggle if another child came along.

I love my siblings but I do remember that our parents were often very stretched in terms of time (both worked) and financially which meant we often couldn't do things that we wanted to do.

It's each to their own but one child is right for us.

PumkinPie, I am in exactly the same position as you, but I'm for some reason really struggling with friends either having no 2 or being pregnant or talking about it. Even though for the same reason as you I'm content with our family unit and the opportunities our little girl will have. We both have very demanding jobs and there is no way we could manage 2 even if we felt that way. Do you ever feel like that?

I have a baby boy who is 4.5 months and he will be our only child because we only ever wanted one. I grew up begging for my mothers attention because my sister was very demanding so I was left to get on with it. I used to be called independent? I had to be. Me and my sister never got on till we were in our twenties. I honestly don't believe you can treat 2+ children equally especially if one is naughty! they still get attention even if it's the wrong kind. Everyone asks me will we have more yet they knew from the start it was only ever going to be one. I had a traumatic birth that I still have nightmares about and still haven't fully healed from the damage they done to me and everyone knows this yet still they go on. I agree with the other posts, why struggle when you have the option of true happiness with just the one. There is nothing wrong with us. My SIL has just had her second and she is stressed and overwhelmed even her husband isn't the same anymore, why choose this just so that your child isn't lonely. I think having a big family is great but it's not for me, respect that.

The reality is you'll never know whether you would have been happier with two or one as you can only experience one or the other. You don't really know whether your child would have been happier either.

Don't assume siblings will get on though. I know a family who had two children who loathed each other and resorted to having a third child to act as a buffer!

I agree million, you won't ever know. If you did have a very hard time with just one baby though things definitely won't be easy

This has really cheered me up.

I have dd1 who is 3yo. We lost dd2 at 22 weeks earlier this year. I always thought I wanted 2, when I found out I was pregnant I was happy but terrified of how I'd cope.

Loosing her is easily the worst thing that has happened to us but we are getting through it.

I'm now starting to think that dd1 is enough. She isn't an only, she had a sister, but she will more than likely grow up an only. I waver between being happy with the way things are with the three of us and thinking I might want another.

These threads always cheer me up knowing that dd1 will be ok and happy if we can't or decide not to have a third.

Kitty - so sorry for your loss

I agree with the notion that only children don't have to be lonely. I am the youngest of three with 2 older brothers, but they are so much older than me that I was never 'friends' with them as such. I felt like an only child a lot of the time tbh.

My partner has a brother very close in age but they only speak perhaps once a year! There's no bad feeling between them, they're both just ambivalent to each other.

It's only really now that I'm thankful I have brothers because it means my daughter has cousins which kind of makes up for the fact that we are very unlikely to have any more children (severe PND, just not sure I could face it again).

Having said all that, I do feel pangs of sadness wondering what my other children would be like (had always planned 3) and what a lovely sister my daughter would be.

My partner often reminds me that we should just be thankful that we have such a happy, healthy daughter and to stop thinking "what if what if".

(If in totally honest I think I'm hoping I'll fall pregnant by accident)

I guess there are pros and cons to both. But if there's one thing having my DD taught me, it's that you have to REALLY REALLY want a baby, because it's bloody hard.