age gap question? IF we decide to go for another

[mummy2pickle]

My only dc is 15 months old. We had a horrible start with her and I ended up with pnd, this put me off ever having another. But recently I've started enjoying her and thinking about another child, but I'm undecided, I'd like another child as I thoroughly enjoyed pregnancy and the experience and my dd loves company and want her to have a play mate for life. But and it's a big but, I'm scared I'll go through the same with dc2 as a baby and also being a little bit selfish like the fact me and hubby are getting a little bit of our lives back ie holidays, eating out (as a family I mean). So question I keep asking myself is if we decide on another child, from experience, what age gap is best. Thinking of waiting until she's 3.5years is that too big

Also has anyone else been in this predicament and how did you decide what to do? I know it's a personal thing but any advice will help me along. Thanks x

I am so glad you are feeling better and more positive, as each pregnancy is different. I have had six pregnancies ( Five live babies)
You may not get PND next time around. ( I hope not) what are the stastistics?

I am not keen on only having one child for a myriad of reasons. Although it is a personal choice.
I think a 2.5 gap is fine. As long as the eldest is recognised as a baby still and it is understood that initially it isn't going to be easy. You are going to be dog tired and a three year old is maybe not going to sleep and they get bolshy. But everything passes, as you have discovered.

It is also disturbing for any child to accept a change to their own routine. I think they all suffer from jealousy initially.

I planned a lot and put a 'put up bed ' by my bed so that if we needed to bed hop I was comfortable and it enabled me to get the maximum amount of sleep.

However, all the different gaps have their pro's and cons.
Best of luck.
When my lot are home with their wives, husbands and GC I feel that I am so lucky to have them in my life. It was worth every sacrifice. They are such good people and fun.

Like you OP, I had PND and couldn't even contemplate having another child for a good long while. Finally decided to start ttc #2 when DD1 was just about to turn 3. One mc and some sub fertility issues later, I'm currently 20 weeks pg with DD2 and there will be 5.5 years between them. It's not what we wanted, but all age gaps have their benefits and downsides, and I'm sure it will all work out somehow.

I guess my advice would be don't rush into making a decision until you feel ready just because of some perceived ideal gap. And if you feel you don't want another at all, that's fine too - there are plenty of benefits to having and being an only. Good luck with your decision!

If getting your life back to normal is important to you I'd not have too big a gap. I have 3.5 years between mine for various reasons and while its been great (and I can recommend an approx. 3 year gap), it has meant that we've been in the baby/toddler stage for a really long time. In an ideal world I think a 2-3 year gap is best. It gives each child some special time to 'be the baby', while not dragging out what many parents find to be a very tiring and hands on stage of parenting. Mine are now seven and four, with the younger one about to start school and I, personally, am enjoying this more independent, nappy-free, buggy-free, potty-free stage A LOT more.

Of course, everyone is different (some people LOVE the baby/toddler phase), and mother nature doesn't always play ball and allow you to get pregnant when you want to, but if I had my time again I'd have cracked on a little sooner with DC2.

I agree with PP about getting it over with in order to get your life back. The sooner you give birth to your last child the sooner as a family you can move onto the next stage (the nappy free stage!) we have 3yr and 18m and started Ttc this month with our last.

I dont think there is ever a right age gap. If you 'want your life back' then maybe do it sooner rather than later

I haven't read the whole thread but after PND the first time I fell pregnant at about 15 months after DS1.

Please don't underestimate the strain of having a baby and a toddler.

If I was doing it again (planned rather than surprise) I would wait three years.

Reading this thread with interest.. So sorry to hear about your PND Op. I was never diagnosed as having it but strongly suspect something wasn't right until my DD was about 9 months old! We are also trying to decide re number 2 and age gap., DD is 20 months and I'd quite like to have #2 before she turns 3 in jan 17..few things in the way though - we live 160 miles away from both sets of grandparents and have a lovely life in city centre 2 bed flat with DD. we are also both self employed so to have DC2 would mean moving house (sooner than anticipated), unpaid mat leave and 2 sets of nursery fees if I went back to work! Not to mention having to leave my 4 day job which I love but couldn't guarantee getting back to (as that is the nature of being self employed). DH job currently not secure either! There is a possibility of going perm but then you have to wait a year for full maternity benefits!

The weird thing is I am not broody in the slightest just want to get the whole 18 month 'being preg / newborn' stage out of the way again! DD is great fun now she is walking /almost talking. If a stork could hand me DC2 that would be great thanks!

For us babies close helped with the getting life back. We have a 15 month gap, so by the time eldest was 2 years, youngest was 9 months so all baby baby stuff and night wakings etc over within 2 years. Now they are 4 and 5 life is very easy, I personally couldn't imagine Having a small baby again now as have had a good 2 years with them both able to walk/ talk/ toilet themselves/ feed etc

I think from reading this OP you should take from it that every age gap has it's joys and difficulties. I had 2 yrs, 2 months between each of my 3 (random identical gaps each time!) and it was hard work but I liked it, especially later when they were older. Damn hard when they were little. My dm had 6 1/2 yrs between my dsis and I. She loved it, I would have hated it as a parent and I also know that until I was about 15 yrs old, my dsis and I felt like only children as we were never at an age to interact (she was older). We're close now though. I wouldn't go much more than a 3.5 yr gap (including pregnancy etc) so would personally look to get pg again after your dc reached 32/33 months. Good luck with whatever you decide. xx

I probably didn't have pnd (if it was it wasn't diagnosed) but my mental state was terrible mainly because I didn't get to sleep properly for a couple of years. I certainly didn't feel ready to ttc when all my NCT friends started having #2 on schedule with the standard 18-30month age gap. I began to feel like I had the mental and emotional energy to cope with #2 when #1 started school but for career reasons (I was in a job I hated and wanted to be settled somewhere else first) put it off for a bit. But after zero luck with jobhunting and my biological clock beginning to tick a bit louder decided not to wait and started ttc. A few months later had a miscarriage and was in pieces for a bit. Then when I felt ready to ttc again DH wasn't well enough to co-operate with the required activity for several months... so now not sure what is going to happen. I am now over 40 and if we do successfully conceive the age gap will be circa 7 or 8 years but it feels like the chances are pretty low so I am equally reconciled to the likelihood of stopping ttc and saying that we are a family of 3 people - but I am not ready to admit that just yet.

Even so I don't think there is such thing as an age gap that is too big. I know lots of multi-child families where the eldest is a teenager or even an adult when the youngest turns up. Whatever age gap you, we or anyone else ends up with, your family dynamic will adapt and there will be advantages and disadvantages to each. Families I know with a very close age gap seem to have more difficulty with the children fighting and competing for everything. The family I know with age gaps of 5 years between each of their 3 children (friend had several miscarriages between each successful pregnancy) have a lovely family dynamic with the older children really enjoying in helping and teaching their siblings much more than I see in families with closer age gaps.

My friend had all sorts of problems conceiving her DC1 and had terrible PND. To her huge surprise, she naturally fell pregnant when her DC1 was 15 months. She did get PND again but it was less severe & didn't last as long as everyone (including her) was on the look out for it, she had no hang ups about the thought of taking medication for it & knew it had helped the previous time & was also aware of holistic things that had helped the previous time (eg getting outside in daylight without the baby for at least 20 mins). They had also moved so were in a less isolated place.
She was always very open about having PND and had explained to all of us that she expected to get it again within a couple of weeks and that, last time, once she was in this phase (so after the initial congratulations) it really hadn't helped getting vm or texts which were really upbeat about the new baby as she wasn't & then also had the guilt of not replying. So, when DC2 was born, I immediately sent a card & present and then didn't contact her for three months other than to occasionally send her chocolate or a magazine and a "no need to reply, just to let you know I'm thinking of you" message at which point she called to say it had been hellish but she was coming through it & did I want to meet up for coffee.

I couldn't even contemplate ttc until dd1 was nearly 3. Due to 2 mc dd1 will be 4.8 when dd2 will be born.

I'm happy with this as l've spent great quality time with dd1, she has just started school and happy to be a bit independent. But best of all, I'm ready for another one and actually looking forward to the whole baby stage again (and l never thought l'd say that!).

I think having them close together to get it 'out of the way' seems unfair on dc2, but you have to do what's right for you.

Nulla - it's not unfair on second baby. If anything for us it was far fairer. We knew we could try and spend around 3 years of dh and I working from home more and therefore less childcare needed and both Children having us home more when smaller. Now youngest is at school we can focus more on work outside home again as half the day they are in school, then we just share the afternoons and have childcare sometimes. For us a 5 year gap
Would have meant 2nd child would have had to go straight to full time nursery or nanny as couldn't do the reduced work load at home for 7-8 years total (3-4 years per child), instead of 3-4 year max

I did say l think and that she should do what's best for her.

Did you have pnd? Did you struggle with dc1? If you did then l would think you'd understand the thought of having them close together to get it over is not helpful for the OP. Yes she wants to get the shit bits over with, don't we all, but she needs to be mentally and physically ready.

I am saying in my situation that was similar to the OP, I'm finally ready and will cope.

And that seeing friends have dc close so they'll be 'mates' meant watching the elder dc have to grow up a bit quicker.

And again, this is just my experience.

We are going to start trying to conceive number 2 when dd is just over 3. We wanted her to get her free nursery hours as we couldn't afford 2 sets of fees at once so purposefully chosen to wait so that she will be in school when number 2 is in nursery.

We've got a 4.5 gap and are 7 months in. I had PND with DD1, partly due to a difficult birth which cause ongoing medical problems, but also because of the shock of life with a baby. We were only ready ttc when DD1 was 3 and it was a difficult decision to make. Before having DD2, I used to say that I wish I could be given a 1 yo and skip the baby stage.

I can't believe how different it has been having DD2. I haven't had PND, I'm loving having a baby. Things that have made the difference:
Having an ELCS, so not being ill for months.
Having done it before, so it wasn't a shock and the lifestyle changes have happened already.
DD1 being around to keep me amused.
DD1 adoring DD2, and now vice versa.
Knowing this is my last baby and that it won't last forever - the time is whizzing by in a way it didn't with DD1.
DD1 being fairly independent - she can get herself a snack, get dressed, help a bit with DD2.

It wasn't quite the age gap we'd aimed for, but is working out pretty well. I'm on maternity leave while DD1 starts school, which is a bonus.

I forgot, the other bit that has helped is that DD2 is a great baby - really happy, sociable, easy to look after (like DD1, but possibly raven more easygoing). And of course that is luck.

Pico, that's how l expect it to be for me! I'm very glad to hear it's going well for you.

I have a 2.4y gap between dc1 and 2 and am now 38 weeks pregnant with no. 3, with dc2 due to turn 8 just after my due date. Part of that gap is down to recurrent mc but we didn't start trying for a third until dc2 was four and a half.

I do think people get a bit too hung up on small age gaps tbh - and I say that as someone who has loved the relatively small (and, dare I say it, 'conventional') gap between dc1 and 2. I would never have wanted all three that close together - it would have felt like too much to cope with. I will add, however, that I did not struggle too much with the baby/toddler stage in terms of nappies/sleep/missing nights out/civilised meals out etc. Neither of them slept through until they were approaching 2, but it was just the way it was and I found that stage had a lot of compensations. I am rather ambivalent about this pregnancy as it is and I think if I had a sense of impending 'my life is over for a bit' on top, I would be a lot unhappier. I'm not saying I am some amazing mother or miracle being, but that people do experience the stages differently and I think if getting through those early years asap is important, I wouldn't be wanting the kind of age gap I am about to have.

There is a 3.5yr age gap between me and my brother, my brother and my sister and my sister and my 'baby' brother so for years I assumed this is what everybody had.
Our DS is 7 and due to my physical disabilities and health problems we always decided if we were to have another one that he would have to be fairly independent so that we could cope. Due to problems TTC and a miscarraige we haven't been successful yet but I don't see a problem with that. What works for us may be different than for others but it really doesn't matter.

When your first DC is about 2, it seems like people are all popping out babies with a 2 year age gap and I felt a little odd not doing the same (as I had intended before we had DD1).

Now that we have DD2 with a 4 year gap, I can actually see the reality. Plenty of the DC that DD1 is starting school with have baby siblings, so a 3 or 4 year gap isn't unusual. Possibly only having to pay one set of childcare fees at a time is a factor, but I think it's for all sorts of reasons.

But I can also see all sorts of family shapes. We know quite a few only children, some who will definitely stay that way and other I don't know (I would never ask anyone). We know a few families with more than 2 children. And that is before looking at step and half siblings.

Yet I still remember vividly thinking that we were the only ones not to have two children with a 2 year gap.

I think 24 months apart is quite tight still really (we have that to the day). And actually experts say it's quite risky to try again until 17 months ish as the mother's body hasn't fully recovered and you risk low birth weight.

It's been a very tough few years for us and I think people suggesting it's a breeze (no one on here but I do hear people enthusing) are stretching the truth somewhat.

Personally a baby and a toddler has been v hard - however now aged two and four I can see the benefits. It's all 'done with' as some put it.

I do feel though DS missed out and DD missed out really attention wise and us a bit enjoyment wise of each little stage.

DD was a very welcome surprise.

There is a five year age gap between each of my siblings (older DB younger DD) and my mum really enjoyed each of us without the chaos.

I do also think there is this two year age gap peer pressure! And weird competitiveness about how many children and how tight the age gaps.

A baby and a toddler I hear you say?! Pah well I have five aged 5,4, 3, 2 and 1. And pregnant again! That kind of thing

Hi op x

so glad that you are now better.

I have a 6 year old DD and i am currently 36 weeks (this is my 5 pregnancy, 6th baby, 2nd -fingers x live baby) I had pnd after dd (never mentioned it to any Dr at the time but I have mentioned it to dr/hv/midwives for all of my pregnancies since). I also had "regular" good old fashioned depression (whatever that means) after I had a stillbirth of twins... (I was told by midwife at the time that it wouldn't be pnd as there is no baby (just the advice I needed at the time!!!) and recently by my hv that depression that happens to coincide with the birth of a child is called pnd it doesn't necessarily mean that's what it is... All very confusing.

It is awful but something that isn't necessarily guaranteed to happen next time. Keep that in mind.

As for age gaps - that is entirely your business. I know people who've had a 10 month age gap and a 14 year age gap and they both love their decisions... I think that if/when you are both comfortable and ready (as you'll ever be) then you should do it but don't feel pressured.

Don't worry about age gaps. My ds is 7 and we started ttc #2 a couple of months ago. There were various factors that have meant the gap, largely now being with a new partner and also disability (mine). My siblings are 12 years older (sister), 9 years older and 9 years younger (brothers). Hasn't done us any harm. Besides which, older children can help more with a baby which I'm hoping will help me not have pnd (that and now having a supportive partner who doesn't play computer games all day while I work!).