Feeling guilty about only having one child

[Zippedeedoodah]

DS is 17 and was a result of many years trying and finally through third round of IVF. He's never been upset about being an only child before and has never minded but he went to stay with his girlfriend's family about 2 weeks ago (she has 3 siblings) and has come back continually saying how great it was and how he wishes he had siblings now. He knows the stuggle we went through and understands why we didnt try again after he was born, and I know he doesn't want to make me feel guilty but I feel so upset that I couldn't give him what he should have had. Don't really know why I'm posting, just have been feeling very down about it recently

Please don't beat yourself up over having one child. You don't "owe" your child siblings - you did what was best for you and your family and you must try and make peace with that and value what you have given your son. He was obviously a very wanted baby and that already makes him luckier than thousands of other children and I've no doubt he had all the love and attention he could ask for. You've done a good job. Children will always wonder about the lives they could have had - I used to look with envy at children who had holidays abroad and lots of toys but now I understand that none of that really mattered and I appreciate the loving family I had and your son will too as he gets older.

He's encountered people with siblings before and never felt like he was missing out which suggests that there was something unique about his experience with this family. Perhaps in the short time he was with them he got an idealised view of siblings - perhaps they were all singing round the piano or whatever and it all seemed very cosy and Waltonesque, I don't know. The truth is he hasn't seen the rows or competitiveness or resentments that are an inevitable by-product of having a sibling albeit to greater or lesser degrees.

My dh has three siblings and rarely speaks to any of them - he is much closer to his mates and they are the ones he turns to when he needs support. You can't guarantee that you would have produced a sibling that he would have got on with so please don't torture yourself with the what ifs.

We all do what is best for our families and for many of us having one child is part of that. Your son's comments have hit a nerve but they come from a place of naivety and temporary dissatisfaction so please don't attach too much significance to them.

Hi,
I'm guilty everyday for my daughter.
Its mainly our family situation more than having another for me.
I have two brothers, both didn't want children .
My partner has two brothers, one is gay and the other has one teen daughter but lives too far away.
My ray of sunshine is 8, and is happy, confident and truly wonderful but I still fill up with tears when I think she has nobody.
My parents live in Florida for the summer months and the other grandparent isn't capable of any care for my daughter.
Squirrel 78, your words about turning to friends gave me a moment of happiness thank you.

There's no 'should' about it, and even if he had multiple siblings, there's absolutely no guarantee he would have had a close or even an unproblematic relationship with any of them.

Look, I have three siblings, and I am frequently jealous of, or romanticise other people's sibling relationships, because I am not close to my brother and sisters! What I'm saying is that other people's families can look lovely from the outside, when you haven't grown up in them. Some siblings are close, just as some parent-child relationships are close, and some marriages are (or look) particularly happy to an onlooker. It offers no guarantee that, if you have a parent/child/marriage/sibling, you will get one of those.

yochef I'm an only child and so are BOTH my parents. So in a sense my situation is more extreme than your daughter's. From my experience - speaking objectively - I think someone in your daughter's situation will be fine as long as parents are flexible with her and let her be totally herself and also for parents NOT to be possessive in any way. But this could also be said of people with brothers/sisters. As an only child - arguably in a more 'extreme' sense than your daughter - I now don't regret not having siblings - what I really regret are opportunities in life that I feel I wasted. Enjoy your 'only'!!